The bottom fell out (part II).

[JaneV2.0]

I've used the example of my high school best friend when counseling my kids. My high school friend was going out with a nice guy who wanted to marry her. She told her mother, "I don't know if I love him." Recognizing this guy's potential for being good marriage material, her mother said, "you'll learn to love him." Sounds old-fashioned and boring mom advice, but they've been married as long as I have, so I guess her mother knew best.

I told that story to my own son who said basically the same thing to me about the woman who is now my DIL. And he is now madly in love with her and they get along great. ETA: Yes, I ADORE this girl, always thought she was right for him, but couldn't come out and say "Get off your butt and MARRY her for God's sake!" because your parent telling you to do something almost guarantees you'll do the opposite. so I used this little parable and it worked!

Sometimes I don't see anything wrong with arranged marriages. You can't always trust chemistry. It's one factor, but not the only one that will ensure long-term success in a relationship.

"You could learn to love him" was what my realtor said she did with her husband--in reference to my comment that I wasn't sold on this house. I'm still not; I never learned to love it. And I would never go into a relationship trying to force myself to love someone only marginally appealing, either. Thank heavens I didn't have to. Time has taught me to go with my instincts. They haven't failed me yet. Yes, I think arranged marriages can work, if you view them as you would a business deal. Very practical. Not for me.

[pinkytoe]

I am reading a book now where the author thinks we have become a culture of "matching" in all our endeavors, likes and dislikes because of the internet. It has its advantages but also causes us to become complacent about accepting situations or things that aren't just right. We sort ourselves by class, income, likes and dislikes. It is comfortable and safe which apparently is what we want.

[catherine]

"You could learn to love him" was what my realtor said she did with her husband--in reference to my comment that I wasn't sold on this house. I'm still not; I never learned to love it. And I would never go into a relationship trying to force myself to love someone only marginally appealing, either. Thank heavens I didn't have to. Time has taught me to go with my instincts. They haven't failed me yet. Yes, I think arranged marriages can work, if you view them as you would a business deal. Very practical. Not for me.

There are pitfalls to just falling into relationships that feel comfortable and right. If you've been raised in less than stellar surroundings you're likely to repeat unhealthy patterns. A little bit of self-awareness and analysis and, yes, logic, could serve you well in making decisions about life partners.

[SteveinMN]

There are pitfalls to just falling into relationships that feel comfortable and right. If you've been raised in less than stellar surroundings you're likely to repeat unhealthy patterns. A little bit of self-awareness and analysis and, yes, logic, could serve you well in making decisions about life partners.

My parents had a great marriage, but apparently I didn't learn much about being in a good marriage from watching them. I knew what a good marriage was; I just could not get there the first time. But that self-awareness and analysis and logic have served me very well for the second time around.

A good friend of ours has a daughter on marriage #3. She posts on Facebook that marriage is just tough and ugly and super-hard (but worth it). Maybe it's my personality type. Or something else. But, understanding that "stuff happens", if my marriage has been tough and ugly and super-hard, maybe I married the wrong person?

[Ultralight]

My parents had a great marriage, but apparently I didn't learn much about being in a good marriage from watching them. I knew what a good marriage was; I just could not get there the first time. But that self-awareness and analysis and logic have served me very well for the second time around.

A good friend of ours has a daughter on marriage #3. She posts on Facebook that marriage is just tough and ugly and super-hard (but worth it). Maybe it's my personality type. Or something else. But, understanding that "stuff happens", if my marriage has been tough and ugly and super-hard, maybe I married the wrong person?

If a marriage sucks that bad -- then divorce.

[Ultralight]

I told the woman from my most recent date that we were not a good match. I wished her luck. She did the same.

I read an article yesterday about how after age 38 men's chances of finding a life partner drop dramatically.

I will be 38 in a week.

[Simplemind]

I met my current partner in '99 and we married in '01 at 45 for me and 46 for him. Better the second time around for both of us. I didn't think I would ever get married again and didn't care. I wasn't looking, he fell in my lap.

[Tybee]

Yeah, I think a lot of people marry more happily the second or even third time, and far after 40. I don't put much store in those statistics; if you want to get married at 38 or 58 or 88, you can certainly find someone.

I don't think marriage should be ugly and tough, but it certainly is not as easy as I would prefer, or what I dreamed of growing up. I just wanted a low conflict, happy, supportive relationship. It seems that is tough to find these days, with so much social change so quickly.

[catherine]

Yeah, I think a lot of people marry more happily the second or even third time, and far after 40. I don't put much store in those statistics; if you want to get married at 38 or 58 or 88, you can certainly find someone.

I don't think marriage should be ugly and tough, but it certainly is not as easy as I would prefer, or what I dreamed of growing up. I just wanted a low conflict, happy, supportive relationship. It seems that is tough to find these days, with so much social change so quickly.

I agree. That's why this is one of my favorite Elton John songs. It speaks to the truth: If you want love, you gotta take some messiness with it.

[Yppej]

I saw an interview with Donald Trump the other day in which he said he liked Melania because he did not have to put any work into the relationship, it was easy. Nice if you can find it.