Food was good. Conversation was alright. Just... didn't feel like much zest.Originally Posted by catherine
Food was good. Conversation was alright. Just... didn't feel like much zest.
So you and 60 million other married couples in the US had about the same experience tonight.
Best date night is Saturday. Conversation is highly overrated. Zest is a soap.
Im beginning to think atheists have a more difficult time imagining human love because of the scientific basis of all their beliefs. Magic in a relationship is hard to quantify in those terms.
Magic is an illusion.
The date being a bit boring is not a deal breaker. I find most other people to generally be boring -- so it is no sin.
What I noticed was that she did not really ask about me. I'd ask her a question and then she'd go on and on about herself. There was not much of a volley.
Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy learning about other people and hearing their stories and ideas and finding out about their experiences. But it seemed a bit odd to not return the volley when opportunity after opportunity presented itself.
Maybe she hasn't been back in the game long and isn't sure how to return the serve.
Then again, she may just be about herself.
Yeah, it could be either of those. The chemistry we seemed to initially have felt like it was no longer there.
But a lack of chemistry should probably not be deal breaker for me.
It could also be a response to the whole age thing. Wants to be forthcoming and afraid to start asking questions back.
Well I do think some (doesn't have to be overwhelming - not that that is not nice to find mind you, but it may not be the ultimate criteria in a life partner - but does have to be there) physical attraction is needed if that's what is meant by chemistry. It ebbs and flows so every date even with the same person won't necessarily be fireworks (or that is a woman's experience, quite possibly not a man's) but some turn on should be there.
Ok that's just physical attraction, lust etc.. but as for magic ....
Looking for magic probably doesn't work for everybody. In fact for some it probably DESTROYS potential good relationships. It may work for certain personality types but some of us aren't that type, we are more thought than feeling (sure in Jung's typography), more prosaic, more depressive, more dissatisfied, more analytical. And the being overwhelmed by "magic" is more likely for those who have a more direct visceral relationship with life generally than a more detached analytical one. They are maybe more certain of A LOT of things from just gut experience, what career to do (although even if one never finds a career they like, not working is seldom the option that being single is), what hobbies to take up etc.. And if there is magic for the rest of us, maybe it's over time, and too subtle to meet most ordinary definitions.
I don't of course advocate anyone getting involved with someone they have no draw to whatsoever (one must marry the first member of the attractive sex that agrees to a date with them!), no that's just pointless, just realistic expectations ...
"Maybe love for her shouldn't burn that bright
But shine with a lean warm and steady light" - john gorka
Trees don't grow on money
I've used the example of my high school best friend when counseling my kids. My high school friend was going out with a nice guy who wanted to marry her. She told her mother, "I don't know if I love him." Recognizing this guy's potential for being good marriage material, her mother said, "you'll learn to love him." Sounds old-fashioned and boring mom advice, but they've been married as long as I have, so I guess her mother knew best.
I told that story to my own son who said basically the same thing to me about the woman who is now my DIL. And he is now madly in love with her and they get along great. ETA: Yes, I ADORE this girl, always thought she was right for him, but couldn't come out and say "Get off your butt and MARRY her for God's sake!" because your parent telling you to do something almost guarantees you'll do the opposite. so I used this little parable and it worked!
Sometimes I don't see anything wrong with arranged marriages. You can't always trust chemistry. It's one factor, but not the only one that will ensure long-term success in a relationship.
"Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
www.silententry.wordpress.com
Oh I've long thought arranged marriages were PREFERABLE in many ways. They fail if relatives try to arrange a marriage for someone ALREADY in love with someone else who they would rather be with! That is when they show their really dark side, it's not the hooking up two completely unattached people who might not otherwise be that is the dark side ...
Trees don't grow on money
We still do quite of bit of arranging -- that is internet dating! We let computers do the arranging but we are not technologically advanced and trusting yet to let them pick (or be) our life partners.
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