Yeah, I got hung up on the "people who stay in an unhappy place do not want to be happy" statement. Family relationships can be affected by such things as mental illness, Alzheimers, chronic health problems--it can be pretty unhappy living with someone with Alzheimers, but I would not say you chose to be unhappy by being in that situation.
Not sure why it matters what my gender, marital status and parental status might be.Originally Posted by CathyA
As I said earlier, married 37 years. Female-never gave birth. Dad died of cancer when I was young. Mom died of cancer when I was in my 40s. I took care of Mom along with little sister for the 7week journey to death on Dec 23. Oldest brother committed suicide 6w before Dad died. BIL died unexpectedly when older sister was just 57-quite a shock and I went to be with her when he was hospitalized. Depression runs in my family-3 of my siblings. I stepped up and had lots counseling and life work to get and stay healthy through it all to come out on this end of it all with my sanity and happiness intact.
Thought I should share some life hurdles as I'm being given the feeling that i live a fantasy life without any real life happenings.
So yes, I think happiness is a choice, accepting life circumstances and working through them and taking them in stride as part of life growth s a choice. Leaving or staying is a choice. Talking things out to mutual satisfaction is a choice. Relationships take effort and complaining while not taking any action to change is also a choice. It's a choice I don't support. My opinion.
Well expressed Gardnr. May I add that if one sees his/herself as a victim, it is a choice. It is our response to life's circumstances that determines our happiness. Do we want the circumstances to be different or our response to be different in order to be happy? Gardnr chose a different response to bad circumstances. People around the world are living under circumstances that now as in the past are horrendous but many find a happiness with a response to family, beauty, community...
As Cicero said, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”
You 2 are making a huge assumption about my happiness. Yes, I'm not extremely happy with my relationship with my DH, but I have lots of other things that make me happy. I have incredibly wonderful kids, I live in the woods, which I love, I have a huge love of nature, and enjoy many other things. And I, too, have been through some pretty bad events in my life that I won't talk about here. You've taken 2 recent posts I started about sharing the work with a spouse, and another one concerning my DH. I just don't understand how this can be considered being a victim, or being totally unhappy about everything in my life. Plus, I don't think life is all about "happiness" all the time.
I am having some struggles with DH right now and was hoping I could hear from others and vent a little. I could have sworn others have done this here.. Please don't make these 2 posts of mine into my being a victim or a need "to be upset" all the time. I'm really fairly confused and disappointed by this reaction.
Sorry, Cathy, that post was not intended to judge you in any way. I thought from the comments it was developing into a discussion about what constitutes happiness. Threads deviate from the original thought all the time .
I have often thought of your joy in nature based on the photos that you so generously share.
As Cicero said, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”
Anyone that has been in a long term relationship realizes that it ebbs and flows. Sometimes you adore your partner and other times not so much) When a friend of mine got early Alzheimer's in her fifties her DH kept her home and took care of her. MOst the time they were still happy and sometimes he would lose his patience which is normal. We still did normal things with them like vacations, dinner out, inviting them to parties, etc. She did not end up in a home until her DH's cancer got so bad that he needed care. All of this is a part of life. Cathy, I don't think you are miserable at all. I think you are just in a down spot that we all have on occasion.
I think successful division of labor is a huge factor in creating & maintaining a happy relationship, but nobody ever writes poems or songs about it. I'm not so sure "fair" has much to do with it though; as we've always heard, life isn't fair. I work full-time plus, probably 55 hrs per week on average. DH works part-time at 25 hours per week. He does all the cooking, and errands. He does most of the cat care (food and litter boxes) and some of the laundry. He mows the lawn. I do all the house cleaning, book-keeping and bill paying. I do most of the yard work other than mowing. I do a lot of laundry too (so much laundry for 2 people!) I schedule appointments, research purchases, keep track of inventory, etc. I clean the closets, wash the windows, change bedding seasonally, and handle most of those minor household projects. He drives me into work (now 3 days per week). I do not like to drive so he does most of the driving.
DH has a few health issues going on, so he doesn't feel well most of the time. I am so fortunate as to feel fine almost all of the time. Our division of labor works well for us and I guess that is the bottom line.
(Disclosure: I did not read all six pages of this thread)
When I left work, the deal was that DW would be the breadwinner as long as she needed to be and I would take care of the house. I already did the "outside" stuff and the "computer" stuff and the financial tasks and a lot of the cooking. But then it all became mine; the only tasks DW has continued have been clothes washing (she enjoys it; I think it's a repetitive bore) and sewing (sosume, there's one domestic skill I did not pick up lol).
Both of us think we got the better of the deal. DW enjoys going to work and working, not having to figure out the logistics of dropping off the car for maintenance or how she can run to the P.O. when it's open. I'm happy to wash the dishes without having some One-Minute Manager hovering over me asking me how much dish soap I think I'll use in 2018.
We do run into each other at times; DW and I had some discussions about how she sometimes has to break her promise to be home for dinner at 6 because something came up at work. And DW is quite forgetful and can forget between cutting something at the kitchen counter and finishing that task to put the knife in the sink. I don't pretend to understand how that can happen. *shrug* That "clean up after yourself" thing applies, IMHO, is what adults do even if someone has chosen to do "all" the cleaning, etc.
This is what works for us.
Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. - Booker T. Washington
Thank your lucky stars. My husband used to "inspect" my dishes after I washed them. Finally, I got fed up with him rewashing them and he took to sneaking around after I went to bed to do it. Now expand this into EVERYTHING I do, whether it is wash the clothes, or cook a meal or clean the toilet, I cannot EVER get it right. And, he must invariably re do it.My frustration is that I work and the housework is pretty much left to me, because he a) doesn't notice and b) when he does, he doesn't care. When I don't work, I don't really mind doing the clean-up because it's better than the alternative.
examples: I absolutely forbid him to wash my clothes because he puts everything in together and my black yoga pants come out with white towel lint. That's one example. Another--he wasn't feeling well the other day and spent the night sweating profusely in the bed. The next day I complained as I was going to bed that I forgot to put the clean sheets in the dryer. He said, "What?? You washed the sheets AGAIN?" (I had just washed them a few days prior). I said, "Yeah, they were covered in sweat!" He said, "But it dries!". So, yes, Cathy, sometimes you have to lead them along a little.
But he's a great cook and he does the lawn mowing and runs errands. Plus he's great mechanically, and good at hiring repairmen.
I were entering into a situation with a newly-retired spouse, I would ask them to at least clean up after themselves.
Finally, I stopped doing everything. I couldn't stand the pressure of being raked over the coals constantly for the most infintesimal things. I told him if he didn't like the way I did something he could "damn well" do it himself.
Now, he does.
Well, since enota rebooted this thread, I’m a decent housekeeper. For several reasons. I like cooking my own food, I like to keep the place clean and I’m a bit Monk like about it. I have things I do every day of the week spread out so everything gets done once a week. I don’t mind shopping and I don’t mind doing the finances. In fact, all that my wife has to do is work as long as she wants to. When she retires, there will be changes no doubt but for now we have fallen into a very useful agreement. It’s a totally different life than I lived for over fifty years and I like that.
I pretty much do what I want when I want and how I want. Now who could bitch about that?
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