Sharing the work between spouses.

[Zoe Girl]

I am divorced and sharing the work was a big issue. Not so much when I was home but when I was starting to work outside again. My ex was basically raised by wolves and I could not comprehend what he was not capable of. He was truly not capable of making a meal with several components at a reasonable time. With a lot of distance I can have some empathy, but in the middle of it. It was simply too much work. However my youngest lives with me and we are very compatible. We both like to cook and get dishes done within 2 days. Big cooking projects take us a few days. With his sisters the basic cleaning up was a huge battle, but T is very easy to work with.

Not about couples actually,

[CathyA]

I think everyone marries for a different reason. Some of them might be "unhealthy" reasons.........but their pasts have led them to make the decisions they've made. Everyone is so different in respect to wants/needs/expectations. And when a relationship is fairly young, we might get our needs met, but as the years go by, needs/expectations/wants change. Sometimes we just grow apart. Sometimes people finally get their fill of certain failings on the other person's part.
A certain relationship by some might work out totally well, whereas the same type of relationship with others, wouldn't.

My mother needed a leader, and my father needed a follower.......because of their pasts. But after years of my father being a dictator, my mother divorced him......even though she was weak and tolerated him for most of their lives together.
Some leader/follower relationships work. Some don't. It would be great if everyone always made healthy choices.......but that's never going to happen.

[Zoe Girl]

I married him for deep conversations I think, philosophical, spiritual, over thinking a lot of fascinating stuff. However the day to day things like limits and structure wire it all down. Our last conversation was kinda deep, and the last child support late and the wrong amount.

[CathyA]

I hear you, Zoe Girl.

[CathyA]

Oh....and I know some of you are thinking this.......yes, I'm the leader and DH is the follower. But I'm NO WHERE the dictator that my father was. And I don't keep my head in the sand like my mother.........but I may have watched my mother's helplessness and have some of that in myself. I have done very strong/brave things in my life......not knowing any other way to be, since I never really had much support from my parents.....but I do wonder if it's been a cover-up of my helpless feelings.
Okay........I'm rambling I guess. I like thinking about things and what caused them..........
I appreciate you all letting me go on and share my feelings.

[iris lilies]

There's nothing wrong with taking ownership for being "the leader" so why skirt that?

I am "the leader" in our house, although I will bet that DH would argue that because we are both competitive But I think of him as being extremely flexible and open to most things, not as a "follower." . I say " hey let's do this" and he is agreeable most times. oTOH there are a few things about which he will not budge, and so be it. i dont try to change that.

There are plenty of things we disagree about, mostly small stuff. The arc of our lives, the overarching tragectory, is determined by me because I have specific ideas of what I want. Examples are: live in a city, dont have children, have an endless stream of bulldogs, grab garden space when we can because we will use it.

Our current travel plans to Europe were set by me, he is happy to go anywhere. Bit he is also very independant and will do this own thing, always motivated to "do" and achieve. Last year he went to Switzerland with his sister to see relatives, and this year they are going again, withh more members of his side of the family. He and I are meeting up in Prague and then will go to Romania.

[catherine]

Our current travel plans to Europe were set by me, he is happy to go anywhere. Bit he is also very independant and will do this own thing, always motivated to "do" and achieve. Last year he went to Switzerland with his sister to see relatives, and this year they are going again, withh more members of his side of the family. He and I are meeting up in Prague and then will go to Romania.

Smart man, following you! That trip sounds awesome!

[Teacher Terry]

If I had lived with either of my first 2 husband's I would not have married them. The third we did for 5 1/2 years so I went into it with my eyes wide open. For me the good way outweighs the bad. Husband number 2 was a dictator and as soon as my youngest was 18 I was gone. My DH is very flexible and normally easy going which is how I am. I do most of the planning for fun things but do not mind at all. Since retiring we have tripled up on the fun things) Also we have the energy to be spontaneous. Last night he suggested going to the farmer's market so we went.

[Gardnr]

Who doesn't WANT to be happy? I totally agree about when you're unhappy, talk it out. But that doesn't work so well when only one person wants to talk it out.

People who stay in an unhappy place do not want to be happy. We each make choices. Being unhappy is a choice too.

And i know lots of people who would say it's not that simple, but in fact it IS that simple. I work with a man who stays in a miserable r/t because he would "lose too much money in a divorce" his words. THAT is a choice to be unhappy. He is very simplistic and his wife is very materialistic. But he chooses wealth over happiness.

[CathyA]

I understand what you are saying about "choices". But, at least in my reality, there ARE factors that make it harder to choose something different. The fact that I might accept the choices I've made, and take responsibility for them, doesn't mean I will be happy all the time. We must agree to disagree about the ".....people who stay in an unhappy place do not want to be happy" part. In these situations, one must try to maximize those things that they find happiness in, while accepting their choices.
Also, a person's choices have effects on others. Being happy one's self is connected to lots of other people/factors.
Just curious Gardnr......are you male or female? Are you married? Do you have children?