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Thread: Sandwich generation thread

  1. #101
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by freshstart View Post
    not a good feeling, sorry

    we met with their insurance guy yesterday and my dad suddenly could remember that if he dies my mom gets half his pension, he had been telling me he thought she would get the same as he gets so I wasn't worrying. Now half is not enough to stay here which would be ok except my mother is a hoarder and I feel this huge weight on me as to how we are going to physically get out of here and financially. we're supposed to sit together and meet finally this week. I'll believe it when I see it. And the insurance money that was earmarked for me, is going to have to cover my mother's living expenses. these two live in denial, total denial, they both are at or near the end of end stage diseases and they plan nothing, not even for the one left behind

    I hope your meeting takes place and you get facts out of your parents.
    Do not bring being up anything about "the hoard" and how it makes you feel. There is no point to that. There is no ability on the part of your parents to be rational about it.

    your concern about living on half of your father's pension is realisitc. Hang in there.

  2. #102
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    My parents were realistic about money and never secretive. About 3 years before she went into a nursing home, my mother called me to her town and she and I met, along with my brother, to review her finances. We placed our names on her accounts as co owners, at her request.


    and while this last thing isnt a good idea for many people and situations, it worked out ok for us.

  3. #103
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    Quote Originally Posted by iris lilies View Post
    My parents were realistic about money and never secretive. About 3 years before she went into a nursing home, my mother called me to her town and she and I met, along with my brother, to review her finances. We placed our names on her accounts as co owners, at her request.


    and while this last thing isnt a good idea for many people and situations, it worked out ok for us.

    You are very lucky. I think this is optimal. I do know that for many children of elderly parents, this is not their reality.

  4. #104
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tybee View Post
    You are very lucky. I think this is optimal. I do know that for many children of elderly parents, this is not their reality.
    I know! But honestly, I know a fair number of people who had and have a similar relationship with their parents and parental assets. As I sit here and run theough friends my age in my head, it seems that all of them had access to their parent's finances As needed, and in some cases were all or partially responsible for those finances.

    At the moment we have DH's elderly father in our circle. He has significant assets, they are in a trust, all of the trustees know the terms of the trust, there are no secrets.

  5. #105
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    My Mom and Dad had almost everything in a trust which protected us when Mom died and Dad got remarried. Turns out the trust became irreversible and could only go to the kids when Mom died. Dad could not override it although he never tried. We only found out when the new wife got an attorney. To her detriment because she paid a lot of money and we would have given her more without the attorney's input. So although they were secretive their whole lives, they did a good job financially.

    My husband's mom lets him have access to everything so he can make sure there are no thefts on the accounts and issues can be fixed readily. She is 85 and does not have a good handle on the modern world. Lived in the same small town for 80 years and people, like bankers, were all friends of long standing.

  6. #106
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    Reading about such a lack of foresight planning for the survivors to cope with makes me really sad. Why do people do this?

    DH and I consolidated everything in 2003 to make life easier for the survivor of either partner's passing and ease for our kids. When DH passed away, financial matters were so easily dealt with. Final very simple arrangements prepaid for both of us.

    I took our two kids to meet the lawyer and accountant plus they know the CFP at our credit union. I plan on living another 25+ years with peace of mind as a priority.

    What a mess leaving undisclosed information for the family to struggle with! Why do people do this?
    As Cicero said, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”

  7. #107
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by razz View Post
    Reading about such a lack of foresight planning for the survivors to cope with makes me really sad. Why do people do this?
    ...

    What a mess leaving undisclosed information for the family to struggle with! Why do people do this?
    I suppose some reasons are that parents are simply not good with money themselves. Or maybe they are OK with money but they perceive their children to be flaky with money, and they are afraid children will come to them with their hands out.

    Someone here talked about how she was not going to reveal to her kids how much money she had. And maybe that was the right decision for her, I think she perceived her grown-up child as being irresponsible with that knowledge.

    It's funny how financial information is only interesting, to me anyway, if it is a secret. Once I know it I tend to forget it. About once a year I ask DH "hey how much is your dad worth again? " I honestly forget about it. I would regularly forget about how much my mother's assets were, or what her income was. I could find out if I wanted to but it just slipped my mind.

    I should also note that my parents always knew my salary and how much money I had in the bank. When I was a minor, and then as a young adult, I didn't know what their assets were but I had a good idea of their income. During that same period they always knew how much money I was making and how much I had. It was a two way street with us.

  8. #108
    Senior Member dmc's Avatar
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    I've been taking care of my dads finances for the last year. I'm still finding things out. He owns a old bank building, built back in the early 1900's. He still has some stuff stored down there and I'd like to sell the building. But dad thinks the stuff he has stored is still worth something. It's full of lumber and tools, all of which has been down there for at least 40 years. He also owns some other land and has no issue with selling that. I'd just rather tidy things up.

    So I guess he will just keep the old building that he has been to once in the last year, it's 30 miles from where he now lives. I guess it makes him happy so we will just keep it, pay the taxes and maintenance.

  9. #109
    Senior Member Teacher Terry's Avatar
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    When my Mom turned 60 she had my name put on her accounts in case I needed to pay bills because my Dad was too sick to handle it. Then when I moved away she put my sister's name on the account. I have left instructions for both sets of our kids and we have dealt with the final arrangements/expenses so one last thing they won't need to do.

  10. #110
    Senior Member dmc's Avatar
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    My wife and I have not set down and told our kids everything about our finances. But we both have wills and instruction where everything is invested, with them listed as beneficiary. The surviving spouse pretty much gets everything, with some exceptions made to the grandkids. Then our kids get everything else 50/50.

    since we live very well off our investments I'm sure there will be something left, but if not, that's not my problem.

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