Sandwich generation thread

[SteveinMN]

after seeing that in print, I feel guilty all over again, lol

You should not. The suggestion to name you was made by someone both your parents and you trust, presumably at no benefit to him/her. Your parents are of sufficient mind that they can make their own financial decisions, correct? So they've made the decision. For the sake of family peace I would not go out of my way to mention the decision to your brother. But you don't need to feel guilty about your parents' choice -- or your choice in taking care of them or your brother's choice in not taking care of your parents.

[freshstart]

that puts it in perspective, thank you

[Tybee]

I sort of see this both ways, freshstart. I am definitely of the mind as Steve that it is their money and they can do with it as they will. But I also think it is painful when one sibling is perceived as "getting more" for whatever reason. My mother is like your mother, of the mind that she should always do for one exactly what she does for the others. For her,that is fair, and she would never want to leave more to any one child, for reasons of fairness. Maybe your mom was raised like that, to think that equality of inheritance was very important. Even though my brother has been cruel to her at times, it is a point of pride with her that she would never disinherit a child or deviate from that even split, which to her is how she was raised.

So maybe that is why your mother feels guilty and wants to tell him. I can see my mother doing the same thing. I can't imagine her ever leaving more to any one child, even though as I said, it is not based on how they have acted or cared for her.

She may have different ideas of equity, that's all.

But I hope she doesn't tell him, because I can see him reacting exactly as you state (and exactly how my brother reacts!)

[Teacher Terry]

FS: I totally agree with Steve.

[freshstart]

I can see it from both sides, Tybee and yes, my mom is that kind of person. But my brother's complete lack of caring about what is going on with my parents, even to just be a sounding board to me, is frankly cruel and you get out what you put in in my father's mind. I just keep reminding myself of that week from utter hell and his non-response when I feel guilty.

[Tybee]

I can see it from both sides, Tybee and yes, my mom is that kind of person. But my brother's complete lack of caring about what is going on with my parents, even to just be a sounding board to me, is frankly cruel and you get out what you put in in my father's mind. I just keep reminding myself of that week from utter hell and his non-response when I feel guilty.

Please don't feel guilty--there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty, and your parents are so lucky to have your help!

[TooSweetForMe]

We had a double decker sandwich generation this weekend - my DD and her family were here for the weekend. Her DF cleaned out the garage for Mom and me yesterday, and the next time they are here we will start on organizing what's left in the garage. 4 year old spent the day with her bio-dad and his family who live about an hour away on Saturday because her great-grandmother on his side was in town and had never had a chance to see her in person. But other than that, I had a 4 year old and a 2 year old in the house from Friday night until about an hour ago. Forgot what it was like.

[JaneV2.0]

I think people should reward those who were helpful to them, and leave the absolute minimum to the neglectful--even better with an explanation in the will. I say this, of course, from the position of a non-parent.

[Tybee]

Jane, I think many parents are not wired that way, because of how they were brought up. I also think that sometimes parents can be neglectful, abusive, and cruel at times when children are growing up, resulting in children not being able to be around them as adults, and therefore meaning that they are not going to put themselves in a position close to the parent to be helpful, as they just can't, without destroying themselves. I think sometimes parents use inheritance as a way to continue to be abusive.

I think it is really, really complicated, and we never know the whole story, and the same children get different parents, depending on what is going on at the time they are small.

[iris lilies]

I think people should reward those who were helpful to them, and leave the absolute minimum to the neglectful--even better with an explanation in the will. I say this, of course, from the position of a non-parent.

Sometimes the "neglectful" one (i.e. Not interfering, not busy bodying their way into the senior's life) IS the most helpful one. I am sure a lot of elderly parents feel this way.