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Thread: Sandwich generation thread

  1. #51
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    it sounds like ignorance is bliss in this situation.

    It is a crying shame how many of us feel guilty for our parents failure to plan or irrational choices. It's hard enough being a caregiver but to feel guilt on top of it is really tough.

    we've been saying for months that we are going to sit down and go over the will, the insurance, determine if my mom and I could stay here if my dad died, where we would go if we could not, etc. But I cannot get them to sit down and do it. I could never be that sick and not have a plan in place if not for me, at least for my spouse. They have no MD appts Thurs so Thurs is D Day here.

  2. #52
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    Went to my dad's today. Husband did all the yard work and cleaned gutters. I did some inside cleaning. Took pie and muffins and fruit for him. Paid Property taxes and dad was happy. That was it then the three hours home, but better then most visits.

  3. #53
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    that's good

  4. #54
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    Posts like this that that perhaps now or maybe eventually affect so many, are good for the soul. It is in a strange way good to know we are not alone.Our questions of Why and How, our fears and quilt are not imagination, what will happen if...

  5. #55
    Senior Member rosarugosa's Avatar
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    We are an open-faced sandwich, so need to cultivate some of those healthy young friends that Simple Minds mentioned earlier.
    We're just starting to deal with some stuff with my Mom, who is experiencing increasing memory loss. Luckily she, me and my sister are all on the same page with values and wishes.
    DH's sister & husband live with DH's Mom, who always said DSIL would get the house, so the 3 brothers are a bit bitter and are like "fine, then she's all yours." MIL doesn't seem to understand what she is doing to the family dynamics, how come sons don't come over more often and why they have harsh words with their sister. I've always been close to DMIL and DSIL and DBIL, so I've tried to pull things together and keep telling DH that the relationships with the people he loves are the important thing. I wouldn't be estranged from my sister for millions, and certainly none of the legacies in our world will come anywhere close to that. We have two close friends who are brothers and have been estranged for YEARS over a lousy $3000. from their mother's estate. I would gladly fork out the $3000 if I thought it could make things right between them. Such a damn shame.
    Last edited by rosarugosa; 7-5-17 at 6:20pm. Reason: Too many Etcs!

  6. #56
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    That is a sad situation. I can understand both sides. I hope they can come together and resolve it.

    Because I'm on disability and took a huge income drop, the elder law attorney suggested my dad leave me as beneficiary to one of his insurance policies (about 90k). Partially to help me financially and partially because I will have shouldered the burden of their care with very little help from my brother. Since insurance is not part of the will, the attorney suggested not telling my brother this is happening (I'm the estate executor) so we don't become estranged from each other. My brother makes excellent money, close to 15xs what I make. But now my mother feels guilty and wants to tell him. On a good day, my brother would say, "go ahead, I am getting plenty from the rest of the estate," on a bad day, our relationship would end. It's a crap shoot and I personally think the less said about it the better. Like my dad said, "I don't see Matt picking me up from the floor." Tough call, at first I felt guilty. Then came the times when I begged my brother to come home for a few days because my dad was falling so much and was combative and he did not respond to any form of communication. Then I think, screw him, I deserve the extra money.

  7. #57
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by freshstart View Post
    That is a sad situation. I can understand both sides. I hope they can come together and resolve it.

    Because I'm on disability and took a huge income drop, the elder law attorney suggested my dad leave me as beneficiary to one of his insurance policies (about 90k). Partially to help me financially and partially because I will have shouldered the burden of their care with very little help from my brother. Since insurance is not part of the will, the attorney suggested not telling my brother this is happening (I'm the estate executor) so we don't become estranged from each other. My brother makes excellent money, close to 15xs what I make. But now my mother feels guilty and wants to tell him. On a good day, my brother would say, "go ahead, I am getting plenty from the rest of the estate," on a bad day, our relationship would end. It's a crap shoot and I personally think the less said about it the better. Like my dad said, "I don't see Matt picking me up from the floor." Tough call, at first I felt guilty. Then came the times when I begged my brother to come home for a few days because my dad was falling so much and was combative and he did not respond to any form of communication. Then I think, screw him, I deserve the extra money.
    Your mother will do what she can to exercise dysfunctional control in the lives of her immediate family members. There is nothing you can do about it. So sorry!

    I think it is cool that there is a life insurance policy of some substance that will exist outside of any estate of theirs. Yes, you deserve it!

  8. #58
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    after seeing that in print, I feel guilty all over again, lol

  9. #59
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    No, you more than deserve that money (not that we get what we deserve in this life, but I hope you do get the money).
    If you want something to get done, ask a busy person. If you want them to have a nervous breakdown that is.

  10. #60
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    thanks

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