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Thread: Sandwich generation thread

  1. #11
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    I watched our close friend launch her child ( so we thought) and finally have long days of freedom, then her father became frail, mother sick. Fortunately they moved to assisted living so at least she didnt have to care for their house. Then her mother went through a series of health issues and died. Then her father became more frail. Then, her daughter, unmarried, produced a baby.

    Now she is caretaking the baby a fair amoint and running to take care of her father who is increasingly frail, injured, and refuses to go to the nursing home side of the assisted living center. He is just on the edge and they wont insist.

    my Father in law is the only parent remaining of our parents. He has a girlfriend ten years younger who lives with him, so she does a lot of caretakng. A few months ago they were both hospitalized at the same time. They are still living out on his farm, and even though he has some dementia, his dr cleared him to sit on the tractor and till, but he cant plant.

    the girlfriend wants to pit a bid in on a retiremrnt community place, but his youngest son (not DH) says "not yet." So, his son spends a faiir amount of time out at the family farm, ut that seems to be his choice. He cant stand the girlfriend, so that makes it a bit difficult.

  2. #12
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    I ended up with this issue because I chose it. I did it all day long for other people so how hard could it be for my own parents? I was very wrong. Between the 24/7 nature of it, the family dynamics and the fact that I am unwell, it is way harder than I had imagined. My mother always said she didn't want to be a burden on her children and says she would go into a nursing home. But I don't think she means it. And we've gone this far, it would be cruel to uproot her now, plus the cost. I did put my foot down and said she had to hire someone for showers because the heat of my own shower makes me dizzy and often leads to falls. that ended up working out really well.

    I will definitely keep my kids from this

  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by BikingLady View Post
    I am sorry and fully understand. I was on the Crazy Train as I posted often here a few years ago(ctg492). TN to MI to TN to MI to the breaking point. I am now at the point for self sanity of telling myself it is what it is. I am the only one for Dad (89) who is now ""only"" a 6 hour round trip every other week from one side of MI to the other and the daily phone calls. Which I take a breath before the issue of the day.

    WHY did each of us end up with this issue? Did our folks expect or what us to have this burden? Will we learn from this and keep our kids from this for us?
    I am definitely learning already. I will never do what my parents did and refuse to leave an area that is far distant from all of their kids and lacks any reliable form of public transportation. We are already planning to move closer to one of my sons, and may try to buy a rental near the other to have an anchor there.

  4. #14
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    I take care of my Mom now because I love her, and I want to. My sister lives about an hour's drive from us, and she helps us whenever needed but really can't do the day-to-day care because she and her husband have their own issues. My DD is about a 4 to 6 hour drive with 2 small kids, but she comes up about once a month when she can get a weekend off. My son lives in Iowa with his wife and family but tries to come in about 2x a year. His other grandmother is also unwell and he does stuff for her also when he is in town. My nephew (sister's son) lives in Texas and he also has young kids, so he's not able to come in as often as he would like. Although, all 3 dropped everything last year when my Mom had her aneurysm last year to be with my sister and I during the first critical few days.

    As for my step sisters........ don't EVEN get me started.

  5. #15
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    WHY did each of us end up with this issue?
    In some cases...because we choose not to admit that we should prepare for older age issues. Some examples might be living way out in the sticks far from services (like my brother) or refusing to consider a move to assisted living even though the funds are there (like my MIL) or ignoring health issues while they are manageable (my neighbor with diabetes).

  6. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by pinkytoe View Post
    In some cases...because we choose not to admit that we should prepare for older age issues. Some examples might be living way out in the sticks far from services (like my brother) or refusing to consider a move to assisted living even though the funds are there (like my MIL) or ignoring health issues while they are manageable (my neighbor with diabetes).
    The problem as I see it is not that we are not preparing for older age issues, it's my parents who did not and now seem unable to any longer. My husband's parents figured it out and there was only one scary time at the end where husband's step mother claimed they were broke and told the kids they would have to pay for the nursing home. She was wrong; he went into a VA home for exactly one day and then passed away.

    I guess you can blame us for the kids' problems in a way, but I take no responsibility for my parents' refusal to plan and see the impact of their actions on the rest of the family.

    I think everyone our age (60's and up) spends a lot of time trying to figure out the future, and how not to be a burden.

  7. #17
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    WHY did each of us end up with this issue? Did our folks expect or what us to have this burden? Will we learn from this and keep our kids from this for us?
    in some ways it's just the continuation of how it's always been, selfish parents who can never really see things from the perspective of their kids and their well-being because they are too wrapped up in their own psychological issues AND who can't even really take care of themselves in many ways because of this either. That was true when I was 8 and maybe it will be true in the end.

    Do wish my dad wasn't dead as he was always the more grounded one on practical matters. Not caretaking, but fear it. True it might never come to pass, it's not for us to know ahead of time how long anyone will live etc.. Not sure what I'd do maybe ask to work part-time (which is sometimes possible) but that has other problems (like lack of benefits often times etc.)

    I guess you can blame us for the kids' problems in a way, but I take no responsibility for my parents' refusal to plan and see the impact of their actions on the rest of the family.
    it really just boils down to: "you should have chosen your parents better" doesn't it? This is completely stupid! We need more social support for this period, many countries probably have a better social safety net for this, we are not preparing as a society for old age issues.

    Nor is there likely to be much solace in thinking of one's impact on others as I don't even have any kids so who cares really. It's like worrying about clutters impact on kids, shrug, no I will have to deal with my parents hoarding, but whoever finds my rotting corpse can just clear it out as far as I'm concerned.

    where husband's step mother claimed they were broke and told the kids they would have to pay for the nursing home. She was wrong; he went into a VA home for exactly one day and then passed away.
    eventually that's the thing Medicaid might actually pay for. But maybe not if Republicans get their way. Yes fine our politics have most definitely failed.

    I mean one may be an ordinary fairly successful person with a career, but that's really not enough success, to not fail at this, would need to be far richer or something, to save everyone else, who did not plan for themselves.
    If you want something to get done, ask a busy person. If you want them to have a nervous breakdown that is.

  8. #18
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    See my Mom was the great planner on everything, Bookkeeper, Budgeter,Frugal, Planning for when Dad passed because all men go before women...Then when mom got sick and near the end she said to me " It was not suppose to be this way". Mom went to every single assisted living home open house, she was a nurse in the nursing home, had that stupid Long Term Care insurance( cover zero). But when it was time nothing was done or planned as it was not suppose to end this way she thought.

    What I hope I have learned is Don't wait too long to plan or move or whatever, make sure spouse or other knows the plan and how to do daily life without you. IF it all had turned out the other way, I actually think mom would have been harder to deal with then dad.

  9. #19
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    This year my sister in law, only 60 years old, mved into a retirement community and I am so glad she did. She lived on a farm with her hisband who has pretty serious dementia. But he drives. She wont ride with him and has not for years. (!)

    He still farms, sometmes haphazardly. There was talk that he wasnt going into town with her to the retirement community, and I dont know where he is living. But
    I am proud of her for picking herself up and moving. She jas many health problems herself. They have money to pay for whatever they want ro pay for, and it was making me crazy that they were still living outside of easy public transportation.

  10. #20
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    Good for her. I have told my parents, who do not want to go to assisted living, that we qualify for a senior community and maybe we'll move there, and they can move there to be closer to us!

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