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Thread: Sandwich generation thread

  1. #21
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    I am a bit on the other side, my parents don't need care and my mom ran a senior daycare so she has super planned that they will not need us to care for them as much as possible. However she does need a knee replacement in fall. My kids are grown and I have 35 vacation days built up so I offered to come out. Okay we don't offer in my family, my mom just comes in and does things. She and her sisters nicknamed themselves the B-sisters because they know they take charge and take over anything in their path. I started by offering and then told her I could be just as bossy as she and her sisters are so plan on me coming out for awhile. I am not coming out for weeks, I know she has my dad and her sisters, however I do want to help a little. Geez,

  2. #22
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    My Dad had a major stroke at 59 and my Mom cared for him for 14 years. E bought the house next door and Ihelped too as I was a SAHM. My Mom watched my 3 kids so I could go to college. It was a win-win for everyone. My Mom sold the house and moved into an apartment. For the 2 years before moving she and I got rid of 30 years of stuff. Not hoarders but had all our kids stuff in attic and basement. From 78-90 she had some major bouts of cancer and by then I lived across the country, my sister an hour away and my brother 6. I would use all my vacation to fly home as needed. The siblings also helped and by the time my Mom needed someone to stay with her for a month at a time they were both retired. They did not help with my Dad at all so I did not feel bad that they in the end did more for my Mom. After one major surgery my Mom went into a nursing home to rehab and they almost killed her a few times (wrong meds, etc) and she never went into one again. My Grandma ended up in a nursing home and my Mom and Aunt went everyday to see her. They alternated days so they each only had to go half the week. WE have downsized to a 1 story and as low maintenance as we can get.

  3. #23
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    don't get me started on hoarding, my mom has OCD with a hoarding component. I don't know how she even sleeps in her room. I will never do that to my kids, any clutter will be gone to the best of my ability.

    She's OCD on taking meds and will stand there for an hour go over and over her pills. SHe's better if someone just stands next to her but this is the one thing I don't have much patience for. I understand it, I empathize wit it, I just cannot stand it.

  4. #24
    Senior Member Simplemind's Avatar
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    I had my son when I was 39. He has watched all I have gone through with my parents the last few years. He was pretty stressed about it one day and told me he didn't ever think he would be able to take care of me the way I have taken care of them. I told him that he would never have to worry about that. Even though we plan on staying in our home for at least another 10 years (we are in our early 60's) after having to go through all our parents stuff we have really started to downsize ours. We have also sat down with the kids and have gone over what is what, where it can be found and our wishes. Granted, my dad told me his wishes and it wasn't possible. He wanted to stay in his home and have somebody move in. He was out in the boonies, very isolated with dementia and I just couldn't do it. None of us could leave our lives to be out there and none of us were able to take him in due to various circumstances. Thank God he has savings and we don't worry about his care. He is in a lovely place and they even let him keep his cat to the tune of an extra $500 a month. I don't care, he loves his cat. At any rate, I don't ever want my kid to move me in or worry about what he should do. We will never leave a mess... He used to tell me that he would change my diapers when I got old and now he teases me and says he will make sure that I'm wearing the best damned diapers being changed by somebody else.

  5. #25
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    that's a good conversation you had

  6. #26
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    Is Loosechickens still participating? I think her idea of downsizing to an RV in retirement is looking pretty good.

  7. #27
    Senior Member SteveinMN's Avatar
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    I don't think I've mentioned it here because I haven't been back that long. But DW and I less-than-half-jokingly say that, when we get to that point, we're going to go on endless cruises. Meals provided in as social a setting as one wants, housekeeping several times a day, entertainment/activities, lots of options for exercise, different scenery, accessible rooms, a kind of enforced voluntary simplicity, ... If one isn't hung up on shopping, it's not hard to cruise for around $100 a day -- way cheaper than a nursing home or many assisted-living facilities.

    Not to make light of the situations people are in, though.

    My "sandwich" time came about 15 years ago. It was not long after my divorce, work had kicked into an unsustainable gear (little did we know it would get even worse), and my mom and very ill brother were in crisis (this before both of them knew the extent of his illness). My sister was of no help; she "saved herself" by removing herself from the family for several years after that. XW and I never had kids and I was never the primary caregiver (not a personal strength; I know this about myself) but I was the one who got them both to doctor's appointments every week, got my non-driving mother where she needed to go for errands, fixed some of the things that managed to get broken in my mom's/brother's apartment, tried to figure out where they would go when they were evicted, and dealt with many of the issues they encountered once they'd moved. Thank goodness they were never more than one-half hour away by car. It was an emotionally-draining time that I know cost me a couple of longer-term friendships but I literally did not have the time to deal with more than I had on my plate.

    At the same time, I have friends with elderly parents (or parents-in-law) who live in far-flung rural Minnesota or Wisconsin and kids in various stages of launch or re-entry along with careers and marriages they need/want to nurture. They have a somewhat different set of worries about the situation. Just not a great situation for anyone.
    If Americans expended even a fraction of the energy on civic engagement that we spend on consumer ideology, our democracy would be much healthier. Can you imagine people camping out to vote? -- Charles Roberts, Amherst, Mass., Nov. 25, 2006

  8. #28
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    I like the cruise idea and they are handicapped accessible!

    I'm sorry about your mom and brother

  9. #29
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    I recall reading an article about an elderly woman who lived on cruise ships. She thoroughly enjoyed her chosen lifestyle and as you said, it cost less than most assisted living places.

  10. #30
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    Yes I have heard of the endless vacation so to say, I am sure there are so many options as long as health holds out.

    I have a friend who remodeled her home to make it handicap accessible, roll in shower and such so she can stay home if the need be. Another friend 70, redid her bath and kitchen and I asked if that was what she had done too. NO she says if I am that bad off I would not be here. so to each their own I imagine. I watched my folks have a spotless home, dad's gardens were so wonderful. Now the place has not been kept up in so long, the gardens that were started in 1956 are nothing but weeds and grass. I say If I can not maintain then I do not want it. May I remember that.

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