I just heard about the fellowship I applied for and didn't get. I am pretty bummed. There were 21 spots and 100 applicants. Still I could have applied 2 years ago and couldn't make the retreat dates, and it was less competitive. So just processing the feelings. There was something about being chosen that would have been so nice, instead of being on the side of asking and pushing if that makes sense.
Now I need a goal, I am going into year 6 of the same job so I need a challenge. I could set a goal outside of my job such as more Buddhist study or my novel that has been sitting for 10 years. I could also go the practical route and focus on side income to build savings and pay the student loans. Both the Buddhist study and novel work would cost some money because I would want to have some support like classes. I am giving it a little time, seeing if my new supervisor structure gives me some opportunities as well.