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Thread: Crossing the border next Thursday, a little apprehensive.....

  1. #151
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AWC View Post
    Yes
    Oh good, thanks!

  2. #152
    Senior Member gimmethesimplelife's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Geila View Post
    Hey Rob - now that all the ignoring and blocking business is out of the way I wanted to address a couple of things before I forget or it gets lost in the shuffle. Earlier I did not mean that your fears are unfounded, I meant that they might seem unfounded to someone who doesn't share them or has not shared the same experiences. Some people are not capable of empathy and will not be able to put themselves in someone else's shoes. And some people don't even try. So it is easy to dismiss the feelings of others. My experience has been that no amount of explaining or clarification will work in those situations. I usually just choose to accept that limitation in a person if the relationship is important, but to also protect myself by not sharing certain things with them. If the relationship is not important, then it's much easier to just eliminate interactions entirely. In an online situation, this blocking/ignoring function seems to be the solution.

    But to address your initial post - the apprehension about your upcoming event (which is now long past!). Years ago I read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker: https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Sur.../dp/0440226198

    In this excellent book, de Becker accurately identifies man as the most violent and vicious animal on the planet. And he talks about ways in which we can learn to feel more protected from external threats. It's really a great book. One of the interesting things I read was how seldom women offer other women help and how important that is because an offer of assistance from a woman is going to feel less threatening than a man offering help. After that I made a point of offering help to women when I saw them struggling, usually in the parking lot at the entrance to a store when they are trying to hoist their child(ren) onto the moving shopping cart. When I see that I immediately go over and offer help. The women usually defer at first with "That's ok, I'm fine..." as they continue to struggle. When I insist in a gentle manner, they are relieved and then profusely thankful for the help. Often they say I've made their day. This tells me that the offer of help from women (and maybe men, de Becker states that men are often afraid of offering help lest they come across as predatory), is a rare thing. And I'm ashamed to admit that before reading the book, I never thought to offer women help. I don't know why.

    Anyway, that's a long-winded way of saying that how we interact with humans definitely affects our feelings of safety and well-being. The trick is to find a way to increase our feelings of safety while remaining aware enough to respond to imminent threats. The end!
    I believe you are so dead on here, Geila. It really is true that some percentage of the population is completely incapable of putting themselves in someone else's shoes.....and that some people don't ever even bother to try. I have certainly run across this here, but to be fair, certainly this is not the only place I have run across this. I believe that life is short and personally I don't care to live this way.....maybe I can't fix everything wrong in the world, maybe I can't extend empathy to every last person I run across - true that - but I can't dismiss or walk over the feelings of others either as I believe in karma. I will look into The Gift of Fear....sounds interesting and some of the most interesting reads I've ever come across have been in situations like this where the recommendation was unexpected and unsolicited....it's like a gift when a good book is recommended to me out of nowhere - Thank You for this gift, what can I say?

    I sure hope we can have some measure of peace here now. I have blocked several people that I have cut slack to on and on and on and on....call me door mat no more. I am done cutting slack for unacceptably rude behavior online. I deserve better and what's more, other decent folks here deserve better, too. This board is a good thing, I truly believe that - and I'm starting to believe that just like good fences make good neighbors, blocking/ignoring features make good online discussion boards.

    Something good however has come of all this online snarkiness......IRL I'm appreciating my husband, my Mother, my in-laws and several long term cherished neighbors even more as I know these are people above hurting strangers online......and as I've gotten older the most important qualities I look for in people have changed - now I value kindness and decency and character. When I was younger I have to be honest that what I sought was not quite so noble sounding lol. Rob

  3. #153
    Senior Member Geila's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gimmethesimplelife View Post
    I deserve better

    Something good however has come of all this online snarkiness......IRL I'm appreciating my husband, my Mother, my in-laws and several long term cherished neighbors even more
    This makes me so happy!!! I firmly believe in seeking environments that are nourishing and avoiding those that are not. To be honest, I don't know how long I'll be hanging around here. I can see why new people don't stick around. The nastiness is depressing and tiring. And I don't think it will disappear. I might be wrong, but I think some people relish it.

    Anyway, I will enjoy the pleasant company while I'm here. Would love to hear about Queretaro!

  4. #154
    Senior Member rosarugosa's Avatar
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    I'm sure that everyone ignoring everyone else will do wonderful things for the level of stimulating discussion on the Forums.

  5. #155
    Senior Member Williamsmith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rosarugosa View Post
    I'm sure that everyone ignoring everyone else will do wonderful things for the level of stimulating discussion on the Forums.
    Now....does anyone here know how I can put myself on ignore?

  6. #156
    Simpleton Alan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rosarugosa View Post
    I'm sure that everyone ignoring everyone else will do wonderful things for the level of stimulating discussion on the Forums.
    It's a fad. Everyone will un-block everyone else in a few weeks after realizing they may have missed something interesting.
    "Things should be made as simple as possible, but not one bit simpler." ~ Albert Einstein

  7. #157
    Moderator Float On's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gimmethesimplelife View Post
    Well, I'm back. This was the easiest border crossing I have had in years. this crossing was easy and low stress with no conflict. Color me grateful for this much. Rob
    I'm glad you had an easy time coming back through customs. Maybe remember this positive experience when you plan your next trip over. Sometimes I think the more positive our thoughts and feelings the easier things go. I can be pretty bad about building up "what if" scenarios in my mind after being married to a pessimist for 27 years...I'm returning to my more positive outlook and finding that 89% of the times the "what if" never even comes close to happening.
    Float On: My "Happy Place" is on my little kayak in the coves of Table Rock Lake.

  8. #158
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Float On View Post
    I'm glad you had an easy time coming back through customs. Maybe remember this positive experience when you plan your next trip over. Sometimes I think the more positive our thoughts and feelings the easier things go. I can be pretty bad about building up "what if" scenarios in my mind after being married to a pessimist for 27 years...I'm returning to my more positive outlook and finding that 89% of the times the "what if" never even comes close to happening.
    Well said.
    I find that I look at the 'what if' scenarios', prepare myself and then step back and live the experience. Works well for me so far with very few negative surprises but many delightful discoveries and opportunities.
    Gandhi: Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony .

  9. #159
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rosarugosa View Post
    I'm sure that everyone ignoring everyone else will do wonderful things for the level of stimulating discussion on the Forums.

    I don't see use of the ignore function as limiting discussion as much as recognizing that I am needing a break from someone's approach to posting here. When I have had some needed space, I will undo the ignore function. It is just being mindful, IMHO anyway.
    Gandhi: Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony .

  10. #160
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    Quote Originally Posted by razz View Post
    I don't see use of the ignore function as limiting discussion as much as recognizing that I am needing a break from someone's approach to posting here. When I have had some needed space, I will undo the ignore function. It is just being mindful, IMHO anyway.
    I like that perspective, razz, and will have to remember that.

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