Impermanence and Families

[catherine]

Because I have 4 glorious weeks off in July (!!) I've planned a couple of trips up to CT to see my favorite aunts. There are 3 women in my life (in addition to my mother and MIL) who have shaped me and inspired me. They are my father's two sisters and my father's brother's first wife. These 3 women are so remarkable for their class, poise, intelligence, wisdom and beauty. They are all older now. Two are over 90 and my Aunt N is in her late 80s.

So I just spoke to my cousin, Aunt N's son, to arrange a visit. Aunt N had a 50+ year marriage to my uncle, who died of Alzheimer's a couple of years ago. Aunt N has slipped a little in terms of cognitive abilities, and she had a couple of procedures so her son, my cousin, took her to live with him and his wife and two children. He told me that they just closed on Aunt N's house.

I was compelled to look up that house on Zillow that I've been to many, many times, and when I saw the pictures, I really got misty. In particular, Aunt N had built on a lovely little dining porch to her house. The last time I visited her and sat there she was still grieving over the loss of Uncle J and we sat and talked over tea and cookies. That visit had been VERY impromptu. I had been in Boston on business and decided to drive home from Boston to NJ, so on my way down 95 in CT I called her and asked if she was free. I'm so glad I did.

Change is so certain in life, and these moments remind me that you can't do enough to connect with people you love. My son who came to visit this past weekend is huge on that, and he makes it a practice to text and call and arrange visits. Family is everything to him. I need to take his lead a little more.

So I'm going to see Aunt N next week, and I'm hoping to see Aunt M as well, who also has health issues. She's now over 90 but up until a couple of years ago she was taking nature hikes and birding with people decades younger. She spoke in front of Congress on environmental issues. And then I'll also try to see Aunt J who took me in when my parents were on benders. She's also over 90, but just as sweet as ever.

In just a short amount of time, that generation will be lost to me, and I'll really, really miss these three women and I can only hope to live up to them for my children and grandchildren.

[SteveinMN]

That's wonderful, catherine! And it's great you can still get together with so many of your forebears. I hope you enjoy the visits.

We got news over the weekend that a cousin of mine would be taken off life support Monday (yesterday). Long story on why I don't know this woman well while I know her sisters and brothers fairly well (given distance, etc.). But I've been thinking of driving (about 500 miles) for the funeral, not so much for my closure but because it's a time for family to be together before there are none of us left. I figured out the other day that, of two brothers who married two sisters (cutting dozens of inlaws and outlaws out of the mix), there were eight kids, only one of whom had children "naturally". I married into a daughter and one brother fosters several kids. But it's not hard to see the end of the line is coming soon for our family. We should grab every opportunity we get.

[saguaro]

Dad just turned 90 yesterday, his sister is 91. They still remember things from bygone years, not just family history but how the world was at various times over the decades. My uncle who served in WWII passed away two years ago at the age of 92, I remember feeling that it wasn't just my uncle who passed but someone who directly experienced a major event of his generation. My nephews who are now 18 and 16, sat down with him a couple of years before he died, hearing about his experiences, making a time that was before their time, seem more real and not just something in a history book.

[catherine]

Dad just turned 90 yesterday, his sister is 91. They still remember things from bygone years, not just family history but how the world was at various times over the decades. My uncle who served in WWII passed away two years ago at the age of 92, I remember feeling that it wasn't just my uncle who passed but someone who directly experienced a major event of his generation. My nephews who are now 18 and 16, sat down with him a couple of years before he died, hearing about his experiences, making a time that was before their time, seem more real and not just something in a history book.

Did they record the conversation?

I have this weird sense of responsibility and sadness over the fact that one of my deceased aunts (I had some pretty awesome aunts!) never had any children. I was her "child" every summer on the beach. I'm the only one left who knows HER, and remembers her exactly the way she was in all her goodness. When I'm gone, she will be gone. It doesn't seem fair to me. I've talked about her with my kids, but that's not the same.

When I was decluttering last week I came across a bunch of Youth's Companion and Field and Stream stories that her husband had written and had published and I was tempted to throw them out, but again, I am the keeper of his memory, too, with no other family alive, and it just didn't seem right to "toss him out." So his stories will sit there in my desk for a while more.

I know it seems very weird, but if only we had had Facebook back then. There would be some history, some memories saved. But Aunt Florence and Uncle Edwin are now just a headstone and one person's memory.

[saguaro]

Did they record the conversation?

I don't think so, but my cousins have maintained all my uncle's correspondence from WWII, they have every single letter.

He didn't talk about his wartime experiences until very late in life, he came home from the war with injuries and for many years refused to talk about it. However sometime around the age of 80, he started opening up about it.

[Chicken lady]

When I married my dh he had three amazing uncles. I credit them for much that is good in him. We lost one young to a heart attack. A second, who was a pediatrician and served as both a security blanket and cheer leader for me the entire time I was raising my kids is now experiencing some major health issues. They have started causing cognitive decline and he was recently removed from the liver transplant list because his doctors no longer believe he would survive the transplant. He still plans to attend my son's wedding in September. He is barely into his 70's and my heart is breaking at the thought that we will lose him soon.

[KayLR]

Wonderful that you are going to connect. My sister and I looked at each other after our mom's passing in May and realized, "We are now the elders." All the aunties and uncles are gone.

[awakenedsoul]

It's great that you're going to see them. I had a wonderful aunt growing up who made a huge difference in my love. We all adored her. I saw her before she died, too. It's so important. Have a wonderful visit. It sounds like this may be the last one.

[catherine]

Such a cliche, but it takes a village to raise a child. It's so nice to know that Steve, saguaro, Chicken lady, Kay, and awakened soul know exactly what I'm talking about!

[Tybee]

I teared up reading your post, Catherine. I am so glad you are getting to see your aunts. My favorite aunt died last year. I had meant to drive down to Georgia to see her, and then she was gone.

My favorite movie is Avalon. It is all about what you are talking about here--if you have not seen it, do so.