Down vs. depressed

[Chicken lady]

I am feeling a little better today.

entries for the fair took an hour to decide and fill out the forms, 4 hours of finishing up projects, 3 hours to gather, label, and load, 2 hours to drop off (including drive time and I was going to the fair anyway 1.25 round trip), 2 hours to pick up (not going anyway) - 12 hours

so, next year I don't enter anything that is not already finished when the form goes in in June. - 8 hours

and I start gathering right away (spreading the gather, label, and load time out over three weeks)

since the 4 hours of drop off and pick up can only be reduced by about 15 minutes by entering one item, it seems silly not to enter as much as I want. It is more fun that way and I make a little money ($73 net this year, so about $6/hr).

yesterday I delegated the shopping, put the baked goods on the shopping list, and had dh pick up dinner. Nobody died. There is more trash and less nutrition, and the budget doesn't have much slack for that sort of thing, but nobody died. The world is still turning on it's axis.

hiring out the painting - anything I don't do on this project increases the time and/or cost. I agreed to paint. It was part of the planning. We have an initial construction loan - which is spent and 10% paid off. We have a line of credit which we are trying to use as little as possible. So less picking up dinner etc. means more money to work on the addition without tapping the line of credit and paying more interest.

Dh salary allows him to pay the construction loan and the minimum payment on the line of credit should we max it out without giving up all the monthly discretionary budget, but it would be very tight - (Netflix, monthly take out, decent groceries and an extra tank of gas for non essential trips) Whatever part of the discretionary budget is available each month gets set aside to avoid using the line of credit. By keeping my expenses to a minimum I am able to put an extra $500 a month toward principal on one of the loans (line of credit if it is open, construction loan if not) dh can't retire until the construction loan is paid off.

so me painting matters.

It takes just as long to feed one chicken. And one chicken becomes such a pet that your heart breaks when something inevitably eats it. At the beginning, I had 3 chickens. Elanore got trapped under a sandbox lid and died of heat. I cried for days. It was hard to forgive the careless child. I got a larger flock and stopped naming the chickens.

i will put the goats in the garden to clear it and eat the poison ivy in August when I am home more days to supervise.

[Ultralight]

I am feeling a little better today.

entries for the fair took an hour to decide and fill out the forms, 4 hours of finishing up projects, 3 hours to gather, label, and load, 2 hours to drop off (including drive time and I was going to the fair anyway 1.25 round trip), 2 hours to pick up (not going anyway) - 12 hours

so, next year I don't enter anything that is not already finished when the form goes in in June. - 8 hours

and I start gathering right away (spreading the gather, label, and load time out over three weeks)

since the 4 hours of drop off and pick up can only be reduced by about 15 minutes by entering one item, it seems silly not to enter as much as I want. It is more fun that way and I make a little money ($73 net this year, so about $6/hr).

yesterday I delegated the shopping, put the baked goods on the shopping list, and had dh pick up dinner. Nobody died. There is more trash and less nutrition, and the budget doesn't have much slack for that sort of thing, but nobody died. The world is still turning on it's axis.

hiring out the painting - anything I don't do on this project increases the time and/or cost. I agreed to paint. It was part of the planning. We have an initial construction loan - which is spent and 10% paid off. We have a line of credit which we are trying to use as little as possible. So less picking up dinner etc. means more money to work on the addition without tapping the line of credit and paying more interest.

Dh salary allows him to pay the construction loan and the minimum payment on the line of credit should we max it out without giving up all the monthly discretionary budget, but it would be very tight - (Netflix, monthly take out, decent groceries and an extra tank of gas for non essential trips) Whatever part of the discretionary budget is available each month gets set aside to avoid using the line of credit. By keeping my expenses to a minimum I am able to put an extra $500 a month toward principal on one of the loans (line of credit if it is open, construction loan if not) dh can't retire until the construction loan is paid off.

so me painting matters.

It takes just as long to feed one chicken. And one chicken becomes such a pet that your heart breaks when something inevitably eats it. At the beginning, I had 3 chickens. Elanore got trapped under a sandbox lid and died of heat. I cried for days. It was hard to forgive the careless child. I got a larger flock and stopped naming the chickens.

i will put the goats in the garden to clear it and eat the poison ivy in August when I am home more days to supervise.

It is... all... just... so much...

[Chicken lady]

Yes. But still, if one is alive, one is doing something. I choose to spend as little time as possible in stores, at social events or entertainment venues, obtaining food that is not nurturing to my body, cleaning things, engaging in athletic or non productive exercise activities, or doing unrewarding work.

my dh left the house at 6:10 he will commute 50 minutes to a meeting away from his office, then go to his office, work until 5:00 (eating the lunch I packed him) go to his golf league, get dinner out, and be home at 10:00

meanwhile my day includes commitments to farm chores, dishes, laundry, basic housekeeping, and a two hour class an hour from home. That leaves a lot of time for other things.

How often do you take Harlan out? How long does that take? I realize that taking Harlan for a walk brings you joy. Feeding my animals brings me joy (people pay to feed animals at exhibits) even cleaning stalls gives me satisfaction. Hauling water, not so much. But it is exercise and the cost of putting in automatic water is not worth the trade offs.

[CathyA]

I totally understand, chicken lady. When you have animals, you have to treat them well, and that can take a lot of time and effort. (I had chickens that I cared about and it was a lot of work to keep them safe and healthy and fairly clean). I've also had house pets that had illnesses that required treatment, etc.

I'm thinking that maybe you're feeling so overwhelmed because you have some underlying depression.......that's not necessarily caused by all the work you have to do. I, too, feel overwhelmed at times by having to cook a good meal every day, having to take care of the garden, having to preserve the stuff from the garden, taking care of lots of menial tings that Have to be done, etc. People who live in the city don't understand that even though this stuff is hard work and can lead to frustration, it's a choice of how we want to live our lives. And life like this is not easy.

So I totally understand that you don't want to give up much.....since it's ultimately what you want. But I do think that maybe there's an underlying depression (caused by some neurochemical imbalance, perimenopause, etc.).......and you might benefit from something like an SSRI. I know I hate thinking I need a drug to function better........but when you're depressed enough, it's an option.

[catherine]

Yeah, I don't think your problem is depression or vitamin deficiencies or brain chemistry or thyroid. I think you're understandably burnt out. Feeling there's no light at the end of the tunnel from all your chores. You're not getting any pay-off for the work you do. You can't sleep, you are losing chickens, you are grieving your goat. High work load and low reward right now.

You need some serious R&R.

[Tammy]

You give excellent reasons to do all the things. Yes it's logical for each thing on its own. However it is still too much when taken all together.

Something has to give. Don't let it be your mental health. Let it be something else.

"Boundaries: when to say and when to say no to take control of your life." This book changed my life back in the 90s.

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Wh.../dp/1480554979

[Float On]

You said your inlaws are coming to visit? Seems I remember that alone was quite a bit of stress for you and leaked over into every area of your life. Seems like last visit you set up some boundaries for yourself and didn't let MIL's quips seep over into your mental space.
I think I get a bit depressed and anxious every July and August. I look forward to summer so much and then it just dries up and the heat gets to me and I feel horrible for not getting everything done to perfection like I think it should be. I've also noticed I spend more money when it's this hot and humid. I don't want to cook - everything gives me a headache from effort. Basically summer disappoints me and I start looking forward to fall because maybe then I'll feel like doing stuff. I just live in the wrong climate for me.

[Chicken lady]

The pottery studio closes at 9pm.

there are so many chores to catch up on Saturday morning that simply cannot wait. Alternately I am not above telling dh to tell his parents I am throwing up. Or I might start painting at 6 a.m.

this is my line in the sand right now. I will put clean sheets on the bed for them. They can help themselves to towels from the bathroom linen closet. I'll run an extra load of wash after they leave. I am not baking dessert - they can eat store cookies. I am not cleaning the house. This is a gift to myself and to future dil - who will be hosting them the following night. I intend to provide contrast that will let her shine!

the in laws will be gone by lunch time. They are using us for a hotel this "visit"

i am am opposed to SSRIs. I watched someone adjust to them, deal with side effects, and wean off. I don't have that many really bad days. And I have not been a danger to myself since 1989. I know what that path looks like.

[iris lilies]

CL, are your inlaws staying with you durng the period of your son's wedding?

to me, that would be a time to tell them "you cant stay, we have too much going on. Please find a motel."
they were out of the country for your daughter's wedding, if I recall correctly.

[Teacher Terry]

The pattern I am seeing is what I see in many forums. People ask for suggestions/help and then shoot down everyone by having a "good" reason. The thing is that stress hurts your overall health. It is hard on the body. Sometimes people don't slow down until they have a medical event that forces them too. SSRI's have helped many people function better. Yes some people have side effects but many do not. What I have learned as I have gotten older is that you have to pick and choose what it is that you have the time/energy to do. No one can do it all. I lived in a rural area at one point where everything was a long drive etc so I know what the life looks like.