Becoming authentic

[Chicken lady]

Over the weekend I broke.

i am trying very hard to be gentle with myself today, but it is hard.

one voice is saying “there is no sun and it is February and you know you are seasonal and you brushed your teeth and that is good.”

and another voce voice is saying “seriously? Your life is so easy and you can’t even handle taking a shower and putting on clean clothes? You are pathetic. Oh right, you’re ‘depressed’, that’s an excuse for ‘lazy’ right?”

the second vouce seems seems a lot more reasonable.

[Williamsmith]

No school today right? Where I am, weather predicts cloudy, overcast and rain for the entire week. Somehow, finding sunshine inside yourself might be helpful. From what I’ve read about you...there’s a lot of sunshine in your soul.

[SteveinMN]

and another voce voice is saying “seriously? Your life is so easy and you can’t even handle taking a shower and putting on clean clothes? You are pathetic. Oh right, you’re ‘depressed’, that’s an excuse for ‘lazy’ right?”

A relative of mine has a chronic neuromuscular condition which either includes or runs alongside depression. From outward appearances her life looks pretty easy, too -- she's a full-time student (getting an additional degree), in okay shape financially, in a happy marriage, and has her pets and activities she enjoys.

But there are days, she says, when brushing her teeth or putting on pants is the accomplishment of the day. She gets through those days knowing they're not every day and it will be better soon. She works with several doctors to identify meds which help her conditions without exacerbating other symptoms. And she has friends she can call on and with whom she can commisserate because they, too, have days like that (on those days, they call her). She's learning to handle the ebb and flow of her life, knowing it will change once she's done with school and working, knowing that her health will change (one way or the other, really). Not that she always dismisses the "you’re ‘depressed’, that’s an excuse for ‘lazy’" self-talk. But she watches carefully that that voice does not speak too loudly. Sometimes that means understanding that what goes down must go up. Sometimes that means enlisting people who can help shout down the self-talk.

Perhaps that helps?

[Chicken lady]

No school.

I pulled my hair into a ponytail and I put on yesterday’s clothes and I went to the food bank, where I spent a lot of time on the floor unloading boxes - because the truck came on Friday - and sorting out old bread.

at first I felt very jangly in my skin because everybody was being nice to me and the expectation to converse, but then I got into the rhythm of the work. I have a bag of bread that is supposed to be for my chickens but I will probably freeze or make French toast with some, and a little bag of peppers that are 25-50% bad that I plan to cut up and make something for dinner.

i warmed up the food dh left me and ate it.

tomorrow I go back to school, so my goals for today are -
clear, structured lesson plans to help me function tomorrow
process the food I brought home
make dinner (which ties into the food)
make dh a pound cake
wash one load of laundry.

the first one is really important. The rest would be good.

the laundry is easiest, so I may start there.

dh will make me shower later, so I will wait, because the transition into and out of water is really hard when I feel like this.

Must move. Moving is important.

[JaneV2.0]

I'm sure I'm an underachiever, but I've never understood this (peculiarly American?) need to be busy and "productive" all the time.

[Chicken lady]

I don’t have a need to be “productive” all the time.

i just have so many things I want to do. It makes me angry when I can’t do them.

even when I found myself lying on the floor crying this weekend, thinking “i can’t get up.” There we’re still things I wanted to be doing - which made me feel even worse about being stuck on the floor.

i’m a Little like a preschooler, who gets exhausted, but still doesn’t want to go to bed, because she might miss something.

right now, the laundry means I will have clean pants tomorrow.
the pound cake means dh won’t buy pop tarts from the work vending machine. And he really likes this pound cake. And I love him and he has been so good to me all weekend, it’s a way to say “thank you” in his love language.

i would feel good about “rescuing” the peppers and making dinner - which would help me take a step in the right direction.

[catherine]

even when I found myself lying on the floor crying this weekend, thinking “i can’t get up.” There we’re still things I wanted to be doing - which made me feel even worse about being stuck on the floor.

i’m a Little like a preschooler, who gets exhausted, but still doesn’t want to go to bed, because she might miss something.

My oldest son is just like that. He would literally refuse bed--we could NEVER get him to sleep--but he would fall asleep at his high chair--his eyes would flutter and his exhausted face would fall into the dish of mashed potatoes. To this day he is the same way. He has a million balls in the air at any given moment, but he thrives that way. I told him that he really needs to go to a monastery for a month of silence, but that's his idea of hell. I get exhausted just watching him.

I love him for who he is. So full of life. I see you the same way, Chicken lady. It's so great that you embrace life with everything you have and then some. But cut yourself some slack!!!

[Williamsmith]

I'm sure I'm an underachiever, but I've never understood this (peculiarly American?) need to be busy and "productive" all the time.

Ive always understood people to be just wired differently. My wife has the need to be “productive” in a way that relies on other people observing her production for it to be fulfilling to her. If you leave her alone in the house, she will have no one to “perform” for and thus relax. Me, I don’t really care much what other people perceive my activity level to be although I will admit that when you cohabit with someone, your productivity is directly connected with your partner’s needs. Translation.....when you live alone, it’s easier to take the pack off and just rest them bones.

[catherine]

I'm sure I'm an underachiever, but I've never understood this (peculiarly American?) need to be busy and "productive" all the time.

I agree with WS. It's how you're wired. It's not a good thing or a bad thing. I don't think you are any less authentic or any more American if you find it hard to sit still. I've observed a lot of family members sitting on my couch watching TV when we're together. Some are in heaven, some are heavily fidgeting--and I know they are wishing they were off doing something else. I also don't think being productive is just for show or because people think they "have to" be productive. I really think some people just can't sit still. My DIL for instance. My son for instance. Me, if I'm "encouraged" to sit with DH for more than 2 hours at a time just watching TV. When I was young, my father would not let me or my siblings watch more than 1 hour of TV a night, so more than 1 hour and I am going nuts thinking about what a waste of time I'm enduring.

[JaneV2.0]

I always felt as if I were wasting time at work, and commuting to work. Give me a good book, and I will happily while away the hours.