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Thread: Becoming authentic

  1. #241
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    We are working with the student. She is mostly happy, and I think will grow out of it. It would be nice if she could have a nap instead of going out on the playground.

    i was identifying with her more than worrying about her.

    my heart daughter said her girlfriend accused her of having a martyr complex. She said “I do not have a martyr complex, but I very well may have an atlas complex.” I may also have an atlas complex.

    i woke up at 5:00, still tired with my head still hurting. I am drinking coffee and need to get dressed and do the milking in about 5 minutes. I fed the cat. I cleaned up some dishes. I checked my e-mail. The facilities director is out sick. She covers lunch duty in the preschool and it is the only hole she hasn’t patched in her duties for today. My intention was to spend my lunch hour (which is a “break” today) making dishes for the kids to paint at our fundraiser next week. I already don’t have enough time for that. But my instant reaction was to reply all that I was free to take lunch duty. Then I stopped myself.

    i will be honest. If the spot hasn’t been covered by 9:00, the lunch duty coordinator is going to catch me at the door. And i’m going to say yes. But it’s a start?

  2. #242
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    Benefits of hesitation:

    while I was doing chores, it occurred to me, one woman has already said she can’t cover preschool lunch because she has library duty (be in library, tell kids not to bring in food). So, I can tell the lunch coordinator that I have some work I have to do for the fundraiser (true) but I can do it in the library (true) if the other person will cover preschool lunch.

    then I will get paid for my time. (We don’t get paid for breaks) Win all around. (Or someone will say no, and i’m Off the hook.)

  3. #243
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    Bravo for hesitation! I have found that has helped me many times. Just wait and things will work out without you having to do a thing! It's hard when you want to be the fixer (I love your Atlas complex description).

  4. #244
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    So, the lunch duty person got to school late, I didn’t see her, and presumably someone else covered preschool lunch. - the world cremained in place without my support.

    when I was young, I used to cut out quotes all the time and stick them all over my environment. One I remember liking a lot, back when I felt like nothing I was expected to do was particularly important (high school) was “one sign of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.”

    we we have a staff meeting today. I am not looking forward to it. I have a feeling we are going to address a lot of things I would prefer to ignore. (Not my pay grade/not my bailiwick) One topic under discussion will be “why we will no longer have the annual “nerf wars” party and how to talk to the students about it.” Students have already informed me “we can’t have the nerf party any more. (Director) took it away because of all the shootings.” (Which is how I learned over a month ago that the party was cancelled). Right. I think they get it. Here is how I have been addressing it when complained to: “that’s not a decision i’m involved in. You’ll have to talk to (administrators) about it.” I suspect that after today I will change my response to “I never had anything to do with that. But (Administration) made it pretty clear that the decision has been made and won’t be changing.” Meeting unnecessary. I view this like any other administrative decision in which my opinion is irrelevant (except the plumbing issue. The kids and I all know I will never get plumbing in my room, but we will riff on that until the day I leave.) I don’t advocate for other people’s positions. I encourage my students to understand other people’s positions by talking (or writing) directly to those people. From “why doesn’t Jill like chocolate?” To “why won’t the fire department/school board... let us...” (if the “why” is a concrete issue, or a position I am personally invested in I explain it, ie “why can’t we jump off the bike rack?” I only refer it if it’s a situation subject to a variety of valid view points or in opposition to my personal position.)

    yesterday I watched two adults allow teenagers to film another teenager skateboarding down our steps without pads or a helmet. This afternoon I will probably take a moment to tell the skateboarder, gently, how I felt about it. Not about the judgement of the other adults, just about my personal discomfort with watching it and my concern for his safety. What protective gear he uses is not my decision, but I would like him to think about his safety a little bit more.

  5. #245
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    My teenager assured me that he will not land on his head and I do not need to worry about him.

    another issue came up and the nerf thing got bumped. As I am personally invested in the new issue, it was a much better meeting for me.

    i also got an update on a lost starfish. Her friend said she is doing well! I sent an “i am glad and I miss you” message.

  6. #246
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chicken lady View Post
    Or self determination, or something.

    learning who you are and standing up for that.

    i couldn't figure out where this should go. I thought about putting it in relationships because one of the problems that I'm having in this area is that I tend to define myself in terms of relationships. Daughter, wife, mother, teacher, friend, even as an artist I define myself by the responses of other people.

    But it's not about the relationships, because the problem is coming from within me. So I picked here because the subtitle about inner simplicity is exactly where I want to go.

    for example, I want to do a pop up sale at an open house on August 19th. Doing this is going to require some studio time. Which is not a bad thing - I want to spend time in my studio. So I see the sale as motivation - a deadline to work toward. Except I'm not in the studio.

    because I know dh wants me to finish painting the addition. But I woke up sore this morning from painting the addition, and I am kind of hating it right now. I decided I would take turns painting and working in the studio.

    except, I'm not in the studio because I feel guilty about not painting. And I lined up a partner for the sale today, so there is even more pressure to get into the studio. And I am creating arguements in my head for dh about how I now have this partner (external commitment, relationship created to justify what I want) so I need to be in the studio.

    except I'm not in the studio, but neither am I painting. And really while dh would like me to be painting, he tries really hard to be supportive of my work, and he would understand about taking turns. He has not said a word about me spending time in the studio. The guilt is me projecting on him and then responding to something I made up.

    what he won't understand is me sitting at the kitchen table drinking tea and spinning my wheels online instead of painting OR working in the studio.

    and I'm not sure I understand it either, but I want to stop doing it.
    You may not like it, your dh may not like it and it's what you, and everyone else does when they are spinning their wheels/confused and suffering: they stop and sit.
    It's what we do naturally as an opportunity to get clear. It's MUCH more important than either of the other choices. Except for the belief, you shouldn't be spinning your wheels or, you should be doing something, everything is beautiful. Welcome to the elegant simplicity of reality: woman sitting.

    After I allow time to wait for the thought, "I need to know now" to go by, it comes to me what to do and I don't have any choice. I just move.

  7. #247
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    Xmac, I appreciate the thought, and I have turned it over, but it doesn’t feel like what was going on in this situation. It was more “woman creating obstacles for herself who happens to be sitting down”. By “spinning my wheels” I meant, “not going anywhere” - in a physical, progress sense, not “failing to engage” - in a mental sense.

    It also seems so long ago.

    yesterday I told the building manager that I cannot babysit for five days for the chicks belonging to the preschool class at another program in which her daughter is an aide. Then I told another teacher who has known me for 16 years and watched me raised my kids that I am learning to say no. She said “I thought you were good at saying no.” I must have looked surprised. She said “you could always say no to your kids.” I told her “my kids are competent human beings who can handle their own sh**.” (Or they wanted something I thought was bad for them, or it was a balance of wants and needs, or I was unwilling to commit to something I was unlikely to accomplish because keeping my promises to my kids was core to me, or I said yes) actually, I think I was better at saying no when I had kids at home, because I was protective of my personal reserves, because I needed them for my kids. I need to learn new reasons to say no.

    then she asked me if I had gotten the email from (person of authority but not direct command) and I said “yes” and vented, ending with “ so I’m ignoring it.” The other teacher paused, and then gave me a different (her) view of the intent behind the email. And I went upstairs and spent twenty minutes doing the thing requested. Then I told the other teacher that I did the thing, and she laughed.

    monday I chose myself over the food bank. Last night I chose resting and yard work over swimming. I don’t know if it’s getting easier to make these decisions of wants and needs at the time over my “shoulds”, but I think i’m getting better at it.

    yesterday i took a situation I couldn’t handle to my administration. “This is happening with this child, it is out of my skill set, can you help?” And they said yes. There was i time, not too long ago, when I would have suggested things the child could do do mitigate the problem (what I would have done in the child’s place) or other people the child could talk to (which the child would not have done, because they were comfortable with me, not the other people) but instead I thought “i can’t fix this, but I know people who can.” And passed the weight of that piece of the world on to stronger shoulders.

    Instead of thinking “you shouldn’t have to lift that” or struggling with the weight of something I couldn’t lift, and letting it wear me down, I passed it on and let it go.

    god grant me the strength, courage, and wisdom to ask for help.

  8. #248
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    And then sometimes there is clarity.

    i think I have mentioned that my heart daughter and I work at the same place?

    there is an event happening with administration that is both an honor and a complete pain in the butt. Last week heart daughter (who was “invited”) found out I was not included in this event. She reacted with indignation on my behalf and I told her I was totally good. Then I got an invitation. Yesterday at lunch I asked her if she was responsible for that, and when she said “yes” I gave her a sarcastic, great, now I have to figure out how to get out of this gracefully - it conflicts with food bank. (It also conflicts with my class) she gave me a speech on all the reasons it was important for me to participate, and I basically rolled my eyes. I do not feel a need to have my “unique voice” added, i am not concerned about my status and image, and I don’t think there is anything important here that she can’t do.

    after work yesterday, she appeared at the door of my classroom, opened her mouth to speak, and then stopped, choked with tears. I immediately jumped up, grabbed hold of her and asked what happened (I was panicked that something bad had happened to heart grandson or her gf) when she caught her breath she started in on trying to explain that she was sorry she had put me in this position and why she had done it and I came back with feeling horrible that I had made her feel so bad and telling her it was not a big deal, and I was sorry for whining and i would just say no, and really I wasn’t worried about it. But she kept talking and finally she said “I can’t do this by myself. I need you there.”

    oh.

    so I said “then I will be there.”

    all you have to do is ask kid.

    sometimes it breaks my heart that after 19 years she is still afraid to ask.

  9. #249
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    I am finding my voice.

    this week, I lobbied for money for equipment upgrades - and I got it.

    i explained to dh why I was resistant to his brother’s surprise visit - and was told it was fine for me to not alter my plans to accommodate it.

    and I “spoke my truth” concerning a rather messy interpersonal situation at work and in response the administration altered their approach in a way that I think will be beneficial to all involved. And I got thanked.

    also, I am exhausted.

  10. #250
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    Bravo CL! It is tiring, but so worth it.

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