Becoming authentic

[Chicken lady]

Teacher Terry, I appreciate what you are saying, but the food bank is important to me. I am needed and it is really the only thing I do in my local community. I do not attend a church or belong to a club (I do help out with 4H, but only minimally during the school year, generally in emergencies or with some information by e-mail.) I have talked to dh about it. Monday is also appointment day, so sometimes I can't go - like this coming Monday when my counters are being installed.

we had some room use changes today and I can no longer use my classroom during my planning period, which is very inconvenient. I will work around it. Mostly I was upset because it was a surprise and I had made plans for today that required me to be in there. I had to spend the time redoing my lesson plan instead of prepping for it.

i am working on not having dumping grounds for random stuff. school related stuff now goes back to my table, but groceries and mail get left on the counter, and generally everything hits the counter when I get home - today for example, I dropped it all and fixed a snack. Sometimes I remember to pack both my lunch and an after school snack, but usually I get home hungry and tired.

my mind wandering/thinking time is in the morning with coffee, during my commute, and when I am working in the studio (what was the shaker saying, "hands to work, hearts to god?") I usually also take some down time when I first get home, but I need to not let it stretch out too long.

i worked in the studio for an hour and 25 minutes and ran a load of laundry before I left for work. I ran an errand on the way home, and I have had my snack. I should - ack! There is that word! Reset! - My evening will probably be smoother and more pleasant if I unload the car to the places where everything goes - another habit I'd like to start! And chop up the ingredients for dinner so that I can make it quickly and easily when dh gets home later - not sure when, but at least an hour.

my day will be better tomorrow if I go over the lesson plans this evening, and my dh will be happier if I make cookies. I can chop while the cookies are in the oven...

[Chicken lady]

Baking. I spend about 2 hours a week baking.
56.5
baking could definitely be punted on busy weeks. We have good bakeries here.

[Zoe Girl]

today is a contemplative day, I am sick. My throat hurts and my head is pounding. I am looking over the school year trends. This is about the time we are settling in and I will get sick. Just enough new germs from kids and exhaustion from setting up the school year. I know it, and can't always seem to change it.

I am encouraged by breaking down the week like that, I have some projects I say I don't have time for and then realize how I can waste time in other ways. I do have an assistant right now!! I can learn to delegate a lot more. I left at 5:20 last night and leave at 5:30 on Thursdays. (program goes to 6). I want to focus more on the maker faire coming up which is very exciting and energizing, and could be overwhelming if I don't plan it well.

I

[Chicken lady]

Zoe girl, all I've got is what you probably already know - wash your hands, sleep, eat healthy good, stay hydrated.

keep checking how what you are doing lines up with what you say you want to do.

i am tired tonight. I had my dinner early when I got home, then my dd2 called and I had a nice "visit" with her - stretched out on the bed for an hour.

then I had a snack. I had identified this evening as a "large block of time" because dh is getting home late tonight, but it's in danger of becoming "lost" time. I don't have the energy to be creative, but I certainly have the energy to put away laundry and sort paperwork so I can be creative later.

one mistake I made was having an alcoholic drink (3.2% fruity beer)with dinner instead of tea. One cup of tea would have been a better choice. I am thinking about having that now, but it is getting late for caffeine.

[Chicken lady]

My life is exhausting me.

my starfish are exhausting. The weather (hot and humid) is exhausting. My boss and my coworkers are exhausting. And I am sick of cleaning up the expletive kitchen.

i don't have the energy to do the creative things I want to do because I am too busy maintaining my environment (I don't need to hear about my stuff - I'm talking the sheer volume of September paperwork, dirty dishes, dirty floors, laundry, and not running out of food and gasoline.) and dealing with interpersonal crap I am not equipped for.

also, I am making bad food choices and all my pants are too tight again.

i went to see my heart daughter after school today (she teaches down the hall) I told her about a bunch of stuff that has been happening with me there logistically. It has been a very frustrating week administratively, but in the end, I am getting everything I want and more than is fair. I told her I am not sure if it is because people like me and they want me to be happy, or because I have been a pain in the *55. She said to assume it was the first one. But I'm pretty sure at least some of it is the second. And I really don't mind if one change was due to being difficult, as long as I hit my target on that one. But there is rarely such a thing as a surgical strike in a complex organization. And I feel really bad if it spread far enough to bring about everything. I am not a person who throws a fit to get her way.

I do not have the social skills to find out. I mean, I asked someone point blank who should know that they should just give me a straight answer, and they were very reassuring. But they were also very polite. I don't trust very polite. I can't read subtext, body language, or moderate facial clues. And the polite person knows this.

tomorrow I am taking the broody hen and her 4 chicks to school. Dh is cooking dinner.

[Teacher Terry]

Sending you a big hug CL) Bureaucracies can be so hard to deal with. That is one reason I retired. I loved the work but the other stuff not so much. You probably feel the same way. It sounds like you need a break from all the drudgery of life. Maybe have your DH bring takeout a few nights to give you a break. When you can't read body language it is tough but it is just a part of life you have to accept. You sound like a warm, caring person so focus on all the good things you do. I am glad your DH is helping you more.

[Tybee]

Sending you a big hug CL) Bureaucracies can be so hard to deal with. That is one reason I retired. I loved the work but the other stuff not so much. You probably feel the same way. It sounds like you need a break from all the drudgery of life. Maybe have your DH bring takeout a few nights to give you a break. When you can't read body language it is tough but it is just a part of life you have to accept. You sound like a warm, caring person so focus on all the good things you do. I am glad your DH is helping you more.

I think TT is right on here. I also want to say that there is probably nothing wrong with you--none of us can read polite, that is why polite is used, to avoid conflict and smoothe social situations. Remember what they say in recovery, you can only keep your side of the street clean, do what you think right. How someone else responds is out of your control, and what they think is "not your business."
If that helps! If not, please ignore,

[Zoe Girl]

I am dealing with the admin stuff as well, i don't always know if it is reading body language or if it when things don't match up, i think i am very similar in personality honestly and i say I don't read body language or understand politics at work very well also. I like my kids and a lot of creative projects. So there is a sense when things are in authentic that throws my entire radar off. I can't read anything and usually i stumble around as well,

Thanks, this helped me figure something out that has been bothering me.

[Chicken lady]

Glad if I helped.

today was easier. The chickens were a big help. I am still very tired, but feeling better.

The very polite person was warm and friendly today and made a point of showing me how nice her new space is, so I don't think I upset her anyway, so that is one step back the chain. I am just going to enjoy my gains and if it is the spoils of war, so be it.

i am going to relax and be kind to myself this evening. Maybe putter around a bit or put away some laundry. Dh is playing golf tomorrow and I plan to head out to my studio the minute he leaves. (Unless I sleep too late and have to milk a goat first).

it is the equinox and normally I would be out by the fire I have prepared for, but I think tonight I will light candles instead. If I miss the bonfire, well, it will still be autumn tomorrow.

[Chicken lady]

I was feeling pretty good over the weekend, but then the counter guys were here for a long time yesterday. I am tired and unsettled. I am fairly certain I have double or triple booked most of my time today. I am subbing.

pull focus -
dh lunch is packed. I need to pack mine and feed us both breakfast.
chores, double check water - I'll be gone all day.
don't leave the jars of milk in the freezer.
be sure I leave with lunch and everything I need to teach and sub.
plan for tomorrow during study hall.
buy bread and a few other items on the way home to keep us in meals through tomorrow dinner.
cook
chores
Clean up kitchen (s)

those are all the things I actually must do to not fall behind. (If I forget lunch, I'll just be hungry)

a load of laundry would be nice.

that is not a hard day.