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Thread: It's not fair!

  1. #1
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    It's not fair!

    Okay how old before you areno longer allowed to say this? For me it is about 15, maybe a little longer. There is a developmental stage for it after all.

    So my staff said it today, she is 62. Yep i know there are issues she has. I had every intention of using all my non violent communication techniques, or other wonderful communication. Instead i told her that you don't get to say that past 15. Then we talkedaboit the issue, i am giving her a work assignment she doesn't really like. She is still unhappy, was teary eyedthe rest of the meeting. I guess i realize i could have said the perfect thing and she would probably still be upset.

  2. #2
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    We have a member here, who still is trying to learn, life is not fair, and he is around 50.

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    Your last sentence is the most important.

    There are quite a few people out there who do not realize that they are not the center of the universe and will have to live with many things that are "not fair". Like the many who always blame others for things not being the way they want them to be or for their own failures.

    It took my brother until he was 40 something to realize that he was living the life he got or could make and not the artificial one he saw on TV and thought he should have automatically.

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    I don't remember how old I was when my father explained exactly what the world would look like if everything was "fair" but it wasn't close to 15! 9? 10? Then I wanted justice. The more I learned about justice, the bigger fan I became of mercy and grace.

    i agree with sweetana.

    High maintenance! I hope you get some new and better staff in there. She is lucky that you are interested in staff development. I would be interested in staff upgrades - because my energy would go to the kids and I wouldn't have any left for her. I'd be thinking "you are supposed to be part of the solution, not another problem."

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    This is the staff deal in my kind of work honestly. People i know in many organizations doing similar work have similar issues. Not that we don't keep trying but it helps me feel better that we all deal with it.

    She has a lot of trauma in her life, has had counseling, has some medications, all that. But i still struggle with my patience, and when patience or understanding is not the best course az her supervisor. I am going to talk to her todayand ask her what the big change from flattered to tearswas about. And i cringe a little, i have bipolar 2 and i wonder if this is how i have presented at times. Especially before i got a diagnoses

  6. #6
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    Have to express a concern. It is not age that makes people feel they are the centre of the universe. Some learn to be part of the community and take on their lumps with the joys and adapt to the situation at an early stage of life due to facing challenges or good parenting-type advice from a coach, teacher, mentor or parent. We (generic we) set standards that others must meet at any stage of life and then are upset when we judge that they have not met them. Until someone has consented to those standards set by others and is in accord with them, it will be a struggle for both parties to the interchange. That is life.
    Gandhi: Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony .

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by razz View Post
    Have to express a concern. It is not age that makes people feel they are the centre of the universe. Some learn to be part of the community and take on their lumps with the joys and adapt to the situation at an early stage of life due to facing challenges or good parenting-type advice from a coach, teacher, mentor or parent. We (generic we) set standards that others must meet at any stage of life and then are upset when we judge that they have not met them. Until someone has consented to those standards set by others and is in accord with them, it will be a struggle for both parties to the interchange. That is life.
    +1
    To me it seems very ageist to give the woman's age as 62 and then tell her that she should have learned something you determine by the age of 15. Not cool, in my opinion.

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    I do feel i could have handled it better, used different words, talked to her off to the side, etc. I feel it had a snarky tone that i don't like. So part of this is not to just complain about her but to actually work on it. And it has an impact on the team, so letting comments go like exclaiming in a meeting 'it's not fair' needs to be responded to. It doesn't seem like telling her how many times i do not have choice in my job helps at all, giving her a bigger picture is not helping, and as i look back over .yesterday there were at least 3 times when she just bluntly said in some form that she had a problem with something. Some is basic, so i was running out of energy by the end

  9. #9
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zoe Girl View Post
    I do feel i could have handled it better, used different words, talked to her off to the side, etc. I feel it had a snarky tone that i don't like. So part of this is not to just complain about her but to actually work on it. And it has an impact on the team, so letting comments go like exclaiming in a meeting 'it's not fair' needs to be responded to. It doesn't seem like telling her how many times i do not have choice in my job helps at all, giving her a bigger picture is not helping, and as i look back over .yesterday there were at least 3 times when she just bluntly said in some form that she had a problem with something. Some is basic, so i was running out of energy by the end
    You have probably already done this, but maybe you just have to allow her to say her stuff, to state her opinion. You dont have to counter it, she has a right to her opinion, she just cant monopolize your meetings with negative stuff.

    And after a while, if she goes on and on in every meeting, you might counsel her privately to find a work environment in which she is happier. This is politely known as "employee is not a good fit" but really means "employee is difficult in nearly all situations." If your staff meetings are ones where everyone is invited to share, she gets her say but she doesnt get to dominate the meeting.
    Last edited by iris lilies; 8-16-17 at 11:02am.

  10. #10
    Senior Member beckyliz's Avatar
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    Gotta say - you handled it better than I would have. I'm afraid I would have laughed out loud before saying, "What, you're serious?" Good thing I'm not in management.
    "Do not accumulate for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and thieves break in and steal. But accumulate for yourselves treasure in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, your heart is also." Jesus

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