Introversion or something else?

[Ultralight]

My thought too. I have noticed that many of the young men where we just moved to seem unmotivated and not very personable. Into gaming, spending hours online, smoking pot and avoiding interaction with real people.

Why would these young men be this way?

[Ultralight]

Thanks for the replies. I'll provide some more info and answer some of the items brought up in the responses.

This is normal behavior for him. This is what he does at home and has done for many years. His parents have accepted it. I don't know if they are bothered by it or not, I'm afraid they might feel offended if I ask them about it. We're not close and they are older than us so they might take it as a criticism.

He is very lazy and spoiled. Both here and at home. He doesn't even help his parents with mowing lawn or other chores even though they both have health issues. I asked him to do a few chores that I felt would help him feel at home and provide an opportunity to go out and be in the neighborhood a bit. He said ok and then choose not to do any of it and never mentioned it again. Since I don't want to be a nagging mother figure, I let it go and took it as information. We were thinking of letting him stay with us for a year or two if he got a job here. That's no longer going to be offered.

He does not go out and do any activities on his own. I gave him the info of a local car rental so he could get around and he said he does not want to rent a car. He will only go places if someone is taking him. I was surprised by this as this area is a very popular tourist destination.

He has not gone on any job interviews. He does not discuss his job hunting. He responds to attempts at conversation with yes/no answers, very much like a moody teenager. He is polite but uninterested in any sort of engagement. He often doesn't say anything all day.

I've let him know that he is now responsible for procuring his own food. I took him shopping last week and paid for all his groceries. He has thrown out about half of the food by letting it go bad or deciding he didn't want it after all. He will have to leave the house to buy food. We have several grocery stores a couple of blocks away. He seemed pained at the idea of walking there. I've also let him know that he is responsible for cleaning his own bathroom.

I'm really glad I decided not to cook for him or drive him around and that I communicated it upfront.

I think some of the behavior is due to lack of drive because everything has always been provided for him. Mom cooks and cleans for him, Dad provides free housing, food and even bought him a car. But the staying in the room all the time is a new one to me. I can't imagine traveling across the country to one of the best places to visit and then sitting in a closed room each and every day.

Toss him out on his ass.

[Ultralight]

Hi Geila!

First let me say that I am not young and I don't know the young man involved - I am going here by what I have observed in young men and what I have read online about young men. This is not completely from personal experience is my point. That said, from what I understand this behavior is not completely uncommon in young men - there is a movement of young men who have given up on women (and no, this doesn't mean they are gay for anyone snickering) and do the rock bottom minimum they have to do to survive and are not interested in dating or appearing attractive to the opposite sex or engaging in behaviors overall that society would expect of young men of that age. They are not into the idea of ever getting married or being fathers or climbing a career ladder and more or less, accept a lot in life of being on their own and living for themselves and winning noone's approval save their own. This young man could be one of these - but then again, I don't know him and can't say. MGTOW is what such young men go by - it means Men Going Their Own Way. Then again, I could just as easily be totally off on this one, I'm just bringing it up and running it by you. Rob

Why would these men go MGTOW?

[Geila]

I've wondered about the Millenial thing too. But I know many others in the same age range that lead normal lives. Sure, they are addicted to their phones and spend much more time on social media. But travel and experiences is also a big thing for them and that doesn't seem to even register for him.

Rob - your description of men going their own way was interesting. He does not appear to have much drive or ambition, but he is very much a consumer of technology and designer clothes. It's a bit odd. Why buy fancy clothes if you're just sitting in your room?

Catherine - that's interesting about your BIL. You mentioned that he always lived with his mother. Do you know if he has any mental or developmental health issues? My nephew seems 'normal' in his social interactions and grasp of daily life but he seems to not be interested in exerting any effort in becoming independent and self-sufficient.

[Geila]

Toss him out on his ass.

Haha!

If it was my own nephew from my side of the family (vs. Dh's) I would put up with none of it. But dh's family culture is different. Dh's brother (nephew's dad) would be very hurt if we were to reject his son. And dh's brother is a very sweet and kind man, so we wont do that to him. However, we have been letting nephew know that his staying here is a temporary thing. I would like to have the visit be done by Thanksgiving. If he does get a job here, I plan on letting him know that he has to find his own place asap.

[razz]

Sounds as though the boundary on time needs to be set yesterday and reinforced every day. The passive-aggressive approach has enabled him so far and he will expect it to continue. Make it clear to family that there is a time limit sooner than later as well. Lat minute info will cause discomfort.
Are you and your DH on the same page with this three month limit? Will he feel compelled otherwise?

[Geila]

Sounds as though the boundary on time needs to be set yesterday and reinforced every day. The passive-aggressive approach has enabled him so far and he will expect it to continue. Make it clear to family that there is a time limit sooner than later as well. Lat minute info will cause discomfort.
Are you and your DH on the same page with this three month limit? Will he feel compelled otherwise?

This is an excellent point. We've been alluding to it and dropping hints but have not come out and directly stated the time boundary. Dh is on board with the time limit but will have a hard time enforcing it. I might have to be the bad cop on this one, and I'm okay with that.

Our plan is that if he does not have a job, he needs to return home by Thanksgiving (me) or end of the year (dh). I don't think anyone is going to be hiring between Thanksgiving and New Year's. But dh thinks it might feel rude to be so strict. So he would feel better with a year end deadline. If he does get a job, we might need to let him stay with us an extra 2 months while he saves up for deposit and rent as housing here is very expensive.

I will talk to dh tonight about having the conversation about time limit with nephew now rather than later.

[Chicken lady]

Invite your bil to thanksgiving dinner since he will be coming to pick up his son.

[SteveinMN]

Invite your bil to thanksgiving dinner since he will be coming to pick up his son.

I like that, Chicken lady!

Our plan is that if he does not have a job, he needs to return home by Thanksgiving (me) or end of the year (dh). I don't think anyone is going to be hiring between Thanksgiving and New Year's. But dh thinks it might feel rude to be so strict. So he would feel better with a year end deadline. If he does get a job, we might need to let him stay with us an extra 2 months while he saves up for deposit and rent as housing here is very expensive.

In DH's defense, I've seen several companies which interview for positions which will be funded in their new fiscal year (January). That easily could happen in the first couple of weeks of December. After that, though, the logistics of holiday events, people taking time off (at my day job we had to use our vacation by year end or lose it), and year-end activities (closing the books, etc.), pretty much do in any serious job-hunting efforts. My sense, though, is that it won't make a practical difference if Nephew is simply enjoying (?) a three-month-long vacation.

As for letting Nephew stay with you once/if he gets a job, I would stop entertaining that thought. If he needs a grubstake, his parents should be providing it, not you and DH. This young man sounds like he's going to have a crashing introduction into Real Life. And when he loses the new job because he can't be arsed to show up on time or do anything useful while he's there, where will he end up? There's no reason you need to be there to help clean up any more than you have. You've done your bit.

[catherine]

Catherine - that's interesting about your BIL. You mentioned that he always lived with his mother. Do you know if he has any mental or developmental health issues? My nephew seems 'normal' in his social interactions and grasp of daily life but he seems to not be interested in exerting any effort in becoming independent and self-sufficient.

I am not sure if his "developmental issues" are a product of nature or nurture. His mother certainly enabled his Peter Pan existence. But even she said that while he's perfectly normal in so many respects, there's just something "off." He's very funny and can carry a conversation, but sometimes he just makes little sense. He'll go off on tangents or indulge on these projected scenarios that are not guaranteed to happen at all, creating a LOT of anxiety for him. He'll construct entire scenes in his head, with full-blown dialogue of what he "knows" is going to happen (usually a negative outcome). I'll challenge him and say, "How do you KNOW that? That's only ONE thing that might happen." It's very aggravating, and it definitely keeps him stuck in life, because he always bets on things happening for the worst.

But right now I'm aggravated with him, and I feel your pain, because last spring BIL came to me practically catatonic with fear and anxiety that he couldn't pay the property taxes on the house, and he was afraid the IRS was going to take it (there is NO connection there--he doesn't have any liens on the property) or he would run out of money completely, or whatever. So I said, "I'll pay the property taxes and deduct it from your share of the house when it sells." That gave him a lot of relief.

Yesterday he comes in and he had a brand new haircut and highlights. I complimented him on it and asked where he had it done. He had it done at a very tony spa in Princeton where I USED to go years ago when I was more liberal with my spending, but now can't afford it, even though I make about 10 times more than he does. A cut and color costs a woman $360.00, but for him it's probably less. BUT STILL!!!

When he said that, I felt the same way I did just after I had paid his property taxes (he was a year delinquent) after his melt-down. Two days later, I found out he had donated $300 to a friend on a GoFundMe account for her sick mother.

When I asked him about it, he puffed himself up and said "Well, I felt bad and figured if I can afford it...." My immediate reaction was, "But you CAN'T afford it! That's why I'm paying your [darned] property taxes!!" I heard his mother in his speech and intonation. She was generous, but she only gave when she could actually afford it.

I'm looking forward to this house getting off our hands (now the closing is October 10) and cutting ties financially.

Sorry for long response to your question!