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Thread: Introversion or something else?

  1. #51
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    I guess it's a hazard of living in a place that people want to visit. We have had way more guests (luckily very short term) than usual since moving to Colorado but haven't had anyone that made demands like yours have. I have had fixit guys in the house for the last month and it's driving me nuts. I love my privacy and serenity so wouldn't tolerate more than an occasional short term guest.

  2. #52
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    I am canning purple plums that a friend gave me so have time to think while waiting for the pressure canner to heat up etc.

    Gella, please correct me where I am mistaken but does this say how you are feeling right now? It is costly, time consuming, exhausting and it simply cannot continue. It is hard to say 'no' and 'that is enough' but do you have to be utterly beat and exhausted before you say no?

    Catherine has excellent phrasing and I offer the following:
    "After welcoming family and friends over these many years, it is time to scale back. It is simply no longer sustainable. Please understand that we would gladly help you by providing a list of accommodation in the area."
    Gandhi: Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony .

  3. #53
    Senior Member Geila's Avatar
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    Razz - yes, you described my feelings perfectly. Thank you!

    Earlier I took some Advil for the headache, cleaned my house, did the laundry and headed to the pool. I hadn't been to the gym since Sunday and I was possibly going through withdrawal. I feel much better now. I also had a hearty salad with tuna and egg.

    But I do need to have a conversation with dh about setting limits and making changes. I get that he likes being Mr. Nice Guy, but at some point, enough is enough. I really like your phrase, but I just don't know that I'll be able to convince dh to use it. I'm going to try though.

    It's interesting that I was feeling really good until I started thinking about this again, and now I feel tired. My body is telling me something important.

  4. #54
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    Your husband like to say yes to everyone but then he likes to delegate the actual visit to you. He doesn't do the work of prep and clean up and he gets to go off to work and skip the actual entertaining.

    He is saying yes for you.

    I have you an idea for handling this in the other thread just now.

    You don't have to make his yes a reality. You can smile and wave as you go about your own life as he does. Let the guests do everything for themselves. See how it all falls out if you act that way.

  5. #55
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tammy View Post
    Your husband like to say yes to everyone but then he likes to delegate the actual visit to you. He doesn't do the work of prep and clean up and he gets to go off to work and skip the actual entertaining.

    He is saying yes for you.

    I have you an idea for handling this in the other thread just now.

    You don't have to make his yes a reality. You can smile and wave as you go about your own life as he does. Let the guests do everything for themselves. See how it all falls out if you act that way.
    Yes to this.

    It is always DH's family who visits and stays with us. He gets to clean the carpets since he is the one who insists on keeping carpet. I will clean the rest of the house, and we both wash sheets and make beds. After that, the visit is up to him to manage, I am out.

    DH needs to figure out food (although I usually will shop, and consult with him what to buy for breakfasts.)

    If people wish to be taken around town to see sights, he does that. Our visitor last winter was a very nice young man, but socially awkward, and then we dont speak his language. I found it excruciating to be around him, loooooong silences. I suggested to DH a few places threy should go, and excused myself.

    During other visits, and when guests need our beds, I sleep at the home of a neighbor and frankly, am happy to escape some of the guests' visit.

  6. #56
    Senior Member Geila's Avatar
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    Dh and I have reached an agreement. We are taking a one year break from all house guests effective immediately. After a year, we will set limits on the length of each stay and on the total visits per year. And then I will do exactly what Tammy said! We have dogs, including a very protective boxer and I've been concerned that they would bark and scare the visitors if I wasn't home when they came and went. But no more. If it makes the visit less pleasant for them, all the better.

    Years ago we were visiting family for Thanksgiving and we asked to stay with my brother and his family in their huge fancy house. They said yes, we visited during the day and had a good time. When bed time came we were led to my brother's small home office next to the garage. There was an inflatable air mattress on the floor with pillows and a blanket. The office furniture and mattress took up all the floor space and there was nowhere to walk. When you stepped in the room you were already on the mattress and you had to climb over each other to get out of bed. We never asked to stay there again. They had a huge loft area upstairs but it was not offered. It turns out brother's wife does not like having people over. It was weird because they had stayed with us many times and we used to have their kids stay with us on summer and holiday breaks (per their request) since they both worked full-time.

    This break is going to be hard for dh to adhere to, but I'm glad that he is willing to do it. I have felt so relieved since yesterday morning when we reached the agreement.

    Thanks for helping me see that I needed this!

  7. #57
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    Ah! I see this plan now after responding on the other thread. and I'm so happy for you to have a year off!

  8. #58
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    Congrats, Geila, on making a great decision!!!

  9. #59
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Well, I have an update.

    We received a call from DH’s sister that Swiss relatives would be coming in a few days, probably. Likely. But not for sure. Exact ETA unknown. I had a meltdown since this visit would require two bedrooms and our upstairs carpets were filthy, and it was raining and ya’ll knw about our leaking bedroom ceiling.

    So DH spent several hours cleaning carpets and floors (but no roof repair!!! Haha) . Then we had a problem because we both had prior engagements on the night the relatives were supposed to come (later their arrival day was conveyed to us.) But by then I considered it his problem to address. So, I just decided to let it all unfold. I am not picky where I sleep, I can sleep on our downstairs sofa or go to my friend’s house down the street. DH was on his own to figure out his own sleeping arrangements.

    Then they arrived. These relatives came in the middle of the afternoon when DH was working the election polls. I was washing bedding, getting ready to make up beds. I Invited them in, talked to them for an hour, and they left to drive to Florida.

    i got a clean house out of this deal, but it was touch and go for a while as to what was happening and when.

    I like these relatives a lot, I like maintaining a relationship with the Swiss relatives, and the flexibility required is something I can now do but egad it was not do-able back when I was working.

  10. #60
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    I would think if you are traveling form Europe you would know months in advance that you are coming. I would require a longer notice. I love to host but this is ridiculous.

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