Introversion or something else?

[Geila]

On the subject of guests, I've been wondering about something that's been bugging me.

In the past few months we've had three house guests who have wanted to use our wifi, printer, or computer for their own purposes. And each time, they have simply gone over to dh and my desk and proceeded to rustle around looking for what they needed and using the equipment or finding the info they needed without so much as a word to us even when we are sitting in the same room. A couple of times they have even moved our furniture so that they could plug in their own devices where they wanted. Then they left the furniture all askew after they were done. This seems really rude to me. A simple, "Do you mind if I use X?" or asking for what they were looking for would have been appreciated. It felt like a violation of our space. Am I being too picky?

One of these guests also proceeded to scatter his stuff all over the living room every morning making the whole sectional unavailable to anyone else. He left his stuff there all day (despite having a bedroom with plenty of storage and space) and I finally had to ask him to move it so I could sit down in the evening. This same person (and possibly his GF) will be staying with us in a week for a few days. He will be here for a job interview. In the past he has even brought along GF's kids without asking.

Can you tell I'm getting house guest fatigue?

How do I politely (or not so politely) establish some boundaries so that I don't feel overrun in my own home?

This past year we've had a ton of visitors (all of them dh's family and friends) and I'm kind of worn out. My house is not your free hotel, people!

I'm also a bit out of sorts because I talked to dh last night about me not wanting to allow nephew to come back and he said he doesn't think he can say that to his family. So if it does happen, I will have to decide if it's a battle worth fighting. Sucks.

ETA: I'm also worried that if the friend does get the job he and his GF will ask to stay with us until they find their own place. I would hate that. And I'm sure dh would say yes.

[iris lilies]

We have had two sets of visitors from Switzerland in the past year. They were all were young people. I am not an especially good hostess in anticipating their needs but fortunately I didn't have to be that, they just asked for what they needed.


They needed our Wi-Fi passcode and they asked for it, and I gave it to them. We have electric plugs all over the bedroom they stayed in, And I did not notice that they moved any furniture to use the plugs. But if they had to move furniture to use plugs, that is fine with me because they need to charge their electronic equipment.


You have an advantage in that you now pretty much know what people need in your home so establish a place where they can charge electronic devices and point to it when they come. Tell them that if they wish to use any of your electronic devices, it is certainly possible but you need to be there to sign them onto the equipment. Our guests couldn't use our computer without us there, it needs a password.

[Geila]

We have had two sets of visitors from Switzerland in the past year. They were all were young people. I am not an especially good hostess in anticipating their needs but fortunately I didn't have to be that, they just asked for what they needed.


They needed our Wi-Fi passcode and they asked for it, and I gave it to them. We have electric plugs all over the bedroom they stayed in, And I did not notice that they moved any furniture to use the plugs. But if they had to move furniture to use plugs, that is fine with me because they need to charge their electronic equipment.


You have an advantage in that you now pretty much know what people need in your home so establish a place where they can charge electronic devices and point to it when they come. Tell them that if they wish to use any of your electronic devices, it is certainly possible but you need to be there to sign them onto the equipment. Our guests couldn't use our computer without us there, it needs a password.

We specifically made sure that the guest bedroom has plenty of plugs and pointed it out to them (4 outlets in plain sight, one on each wall). We also have plugs by the island and kitchen table. However, these two guests decided they wanted to spread out on the sectional instead, which meant that the plugs were not as accessible. So they moved a side table, dh's desk, unplugged the shredder, moved dh's chair, etc., just to plug in while they used their devices.

ETA: I think I'm just tired and cranky. Nephew just left, next week more people arrive, nephew might come back... Bleghh. I don't want to deal with any more people here.

[herbgeek]

When I travel, I take wifi as a given, even at someone's house. I would ask you for your wifi password if it wasn't prominently displayed.I figure if they want to keep their network private, they would have set up a guest wifi since its trivial to do so (and if they don't have a guest wifi, I'm not the type to be poking around on someone's network anyway). I'd also look for a place to recharge my electronics, preferably in my guest room or somewhere obvious so I won't leave any of them behind. I'd ask if it was ok to use your printer first though, and I wouldn't touch your computer. I would not paw around your desk looking for any passwords.

Which reminds me, I should put up a chalkboard or something with the current wifi password on it for my guest room. I do have a table in the guest room with an extension cord/extra plugs on top for recharging and an extra (old) Apple cable. I probably should add a usb charging cable too.

[herbgeek]

However, these two guests decided they wanted to spread out on the sectional instead, which meant that the plugs were not as accessible

I think your guests were rude, if they did this without clearing it with you first. And it sounds like they didn't clear it with you.

[Geila]

I'm seriously considering telling dh that his friends coming next week need to stay somewhere else. They are exhausting (expect to be fed, waited on, don't clean up after themselves after meals let alone offer to help with cleanup, etc). Because dh is at work, it all falls to me. And I'm tired of it.

Today I'm cleaning out the guest bedroom and washing sheets, etc. And I'll have to do it all again next week.

I feel like maybe SAD is hitting me early because I feel really cranky right now. And I have a headache. And I have laundry to do, a house to clean, and I'm already tired.

[razz]

Have you and DH had a chat about boundaries for guests. I may be wrong but I don't think that is a usual guy thing to think about, not negligence; it's just not on their radar because often, they have little to do when guests come. What are the parameters you wish set, prioritize them, think about it some more and re-prioritize to see if anything else comes up or has changed. Get a good night's sleep and show your DH as you are getting tired and don't like feeling that way. Ask him, "Help find a solution please".

As others have encountered similar issues, I hope you won't mind if I start a thread on this topic.

[Geila]

Maybe you guys can help me brainstorm ways to reduce the visitor load. I'm looking for suggestions on how to handle the following type of situations:

When people want to visit SF and surrounding areas, they ask to stay with us.

When people want to bring their children to visit local colleges, they ask to stay with us.

When people are in town for a funeral, they make it into a vacation, and ask to stay with us.

When people are in town for conferences, they make it into a long weekend, and ask to stay with us.

You get the idea. All of these visits are anywhere from a few days to several weeks long. All of dh's family lives in the east coast and likes this area. They like to visit often. He has five siblings. Many of dh's friend live in So. Cal and like to make regular visits to the Bay for work and fun.

This has been going on for years. And I've foolishly made a habit of working hard to be a good hostess by providing the best experiences for them that I can. Mea culpa. That's on me. I'm taking steps to change that. But I also want to set boundaries and limits. In an odd way, I think AirBnB has made the visits worse because now it seems like a perfectly normal thing to do to use someone's house as your own personal vacation getaway. It feels like people take more liberties now and expect more latitude in behavior.



p.s. Dh and I make lots of sacrifices in order to afford living here. We drive ancient cars, live modestly, avoid eating out, etc... so it's also a financial hit to host so many people. And most of the people that we host live more extravagantly than we do.

[Geila]

Have you and DH had a chat about boundaries for guests. I may be wrong but I don't think that is a usual guy thing to think about, not negligence; it's just not on their radar because often, they have little to do when guests come. What are the parameters you wish set, prioritize them, think about it some more and re-prioritize to see if anything else comes up or has changed. Get a good night's sleep and show your DH as you are getting tired and don't like feeling that way. Ask him, "Help find a solution please".

As others have encountered similar issues, I hope you won't mind if I start a thread on this topic.

Not at all! That would be great. I didn't see your post before, I think we cross posted. I'd be happy to move my cry for help over to your new thread.

And yes to everything else you said above!

[catherine]

I should tell you to just say no, but I wouldn't be able to do that myself, so I can't tell you to do it.

You could say, "We limit houseguests to immediate family.. nothing personal. It's just a policy we have because of the numbers of people who have asked to stay here. It just got to be too much. I'm sure you understand."

You could say yes, but set expectations: "Because we like to provide all our friends with the opportunity to stay here, and we get many requests, we have found it best to provide clean sheets, towels, and wifi. Everything else is up to you. I'm sure you understand."

You could say, "We can only host friends/family once a quarter, and we've actually exceeded that, so we'd be happy to recommend hotels in the area. I'm sure you understand."

You could lie: "Sorry, somebody asked us already for that weekend! We'd be happy to recommend hotels in the area."

You could be obnoxious: "We'd love to host you! Because we constantly offer our home to family and friends, we ask our guests to [give a donation to our favorite charity/take us to dinner.]"

In any case, Geila, it's tough!! I'm glad I live in a place no one wants to visit!!