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Thread: What is positive house guest protocol

  1. #21
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    I should add that we also make space in our garage and insist that the guest's automobile be kept in our garage at night. We do this because their cars are always full of stuff, and car breakins are common on our street.

  2. #22
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    We do not have the second type of guests. Except dh parents. Who pretend they are coming yo see us but actually are using us as a waystation on the way to somewhere else so that they can park their RV, plug in, empty their septic, fill their water, and use the Internet without having to pay for any of it. They like to get here while we are still at work, expect the code to get into the house, rummage around in our drawers, and help themselves to buckets and hoses which we later have to replace for sanitary reasons. Mil once unplugged a heat lamp in my barn because she "needed" the extension cord. And I "shouldn't leave the light on all day anyway."

    they usually stay one or two nights, sleep in the house in seperate beds, and leave while I am trying to get ready to go to work, getting in my way many times and asking for things that are difficult to access. "Just tell me where it is and I'll go get it." - two visits ago I actually told mil "ok. Out in the barn there is a shelving unit behind a pile of boxes about two feet tall, the boxes are hiding and leaning on a folding chair. If you climb up on the folding chair, the top shelf will still be over your head. (Mil is a lot shorter than I am.) There are two fairly heavy blue bins stacked on top of each other on that shelf, and it is somewhere in the bottom one."

    they do not bring gifts or offer to provide us meals and they ask to pack up and take with them food from our kitchen when they leave especially if we have any desserts. Dh always says yes.

  3. #23
    Senior Member Geila's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chicken lady View Post
    We do not have the second type of guests. Except dh parents. Who pretend they are coming yo see us but actually are using us as a waystation on the way to somewhere else so that they can park their RV, plug in, empty their septic, fill their water, and use the Internet without having to pay for any of it. They like to get here while we are still at work, expect the code to get into the house, rummage around in our drawers, and help themselves to buckets and hoses which we later have to replace for sanitary reasons. Mil once unplugged a heat lamp in my barn because she "needed" the extension cord. And I "shouldn't leave the light on all day anyway."

    they usually stay one or two nights, sleep in the house in seperate beds, and leave while I am trying to get ready to go to work, getting in my way many times and asking for things that are difficult to access. "Just tell me where it is and I'll go get it." - two visits ago I actually told mil "ok. Out in the barn there is a shelving unit behind a pile of boxes about two feet tall, the boxes are hiding and leaning on a folding chair. If you climb up on the folding chair, the top shelf will still be over your head. (Mil is a lot shorter than I am.) There are two fairly heavy blue bins stacked on top of each other on that shelf, and it is somewhere in the bottom one."

    they do not bring gifts or offer to provide us meals and they ask to pack up and take with them food from our kitchen when they leave especially if we have any desserts. Dh always says yes.
    Wow. Ok, at least I don't have to deal with septic waste. How often do they do this to you?

  4. #24
    Senior Member Geila's Avatar
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    I would like to add a question for the thread:

    What is your limit/tolerance/preference when it comes to the length of stay and annual limit of house guests and visits?

    Dh and I are in talks about what limit we will set once the 1 year break is over. Dh would like to have unlimited guests for unlimited lengths of time. Anything less than that is going to be hard for him, but he is willing to adhere to the limit that I set. I would like to set something reasonable but am wondering if my limit is too restrictive. I'd be happy with 10 days per year of house guests but am willing to go with 14 since his family visits so much. That's 2 weeks per year. And I should clarify that these are the guests that are coming for their own vacations, not to see us. They stay with us for free lodging. Am I being unreasonable? He was pretty shocked at the limit I proposed.

    I'd like to hear what you guys have to say on the subject.

  5. #25
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    we don't really have general limits.
    My mom could move in with us (in fact, dh has a plan in case she outlives my dad and wants to.)

    my kids are good for long stretches, but we need some space. We encourage them to go away for a night or two if they are here for more than a couple of weeks (dd1 lives about an hour away and is happy to have her siblings for a weekend)

    if my best friend comes in with her kids I try to make it when dh has a lot going on away from home. She cooks and he loves her food, but the two of us together is hard on him. plus kids he can take one weekend. I have another friend who camped out in the barn loft because she knows she is too much for dh in the house. (Some history there)

    dh doesn't have friends come to stay. We have a 5 limit on his parents - 3 nights and two full days (arrive late, leave early) or two nights and however much of three days (arrive early, leave late) they rarely stay that long. They announced a long visit last Christmas and my gift from Dd was that she asked them to come spend a night at her house.

    one of my kids' friends moved in with us for a couple of weeks once. That was fun.

    most of the older relatives choose to stay in a hotel because they like their space and can afford a nice one. They usually won't come for breakfast because it comes with their room and they want to get up when they want to, eat when they are ready, and wander over to spend the day with us well after the chores are done.

    most visitors only stay a long weekend at most. Sometimes I wish they would stay longer, but rarely do I wish they would go. We're more picky about whom than for how long. I am completely comfortable responding to "we're coming to stay with you" with "no you aren't." (Except with my Inlaws - And I did tell dh they couldn't stay with us for Ds's wedding - they had made a statement assuming they would. I let dh tell them though. I don't know what he said.)

  6. #26
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    Need some clarification on this. Do you mean that each guest/s can stay for up to 14 days or the total that come for their benefit in any one year is 14 days? I would say that unless they with your planning are coming to see you, all others should pay for hotel accommodation. You could maybe offer to host a meal if you wanted to be kind.

    Why should you be paying for their food and shelter and the labour involved in order for them to have a vacation? Help me understand why if it still makes sense to you. That is simply not what friends and family ordinarily do.

    Quote Originally Posted by Geila View Post
    I would like to add a question for the thread:

    What is your limit/tolerance/preference when it comes to the length of stay and annual limit of house guests and visits?

    Dh and I are in talks about what limit we will set once the 1 year break is over. Dh would like to have unlimited guests for unlimited lengths of time. Anything less than that is going to be hard for him, but he is willing to adhere to the limit that I set. I would like to set something reasonable but am wondering if my limit is too restrictive. I'd be happy with 10 days per year of house guests but am willing to go with 14 since his family visits so much. That's 2 weeks per year. And I should clarify that these are the guests that are coming for their own vacations, not to see us. They stay with us for free lodging. Am I being unreasonable? He was pretty shocked at the limit I proposed.

    I'd like to hear what you guys have to say on the subject.
    Gandhi: Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony .

  7. #27
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    This thread is eye opening. I cannot imagine how any of you do it! If I had that much company and such RUDE company I would be insane. I hate to stay overnight at anyone's house and I don't want anyone here. My husband is more open as he was used to visiting relatives in the summer. His visits were to visit the people, not just use it as a free hotel room. When my nieces and nephews were little I had ONE at a time for a week. We did lots of exploring of DC, Baltimore and our area. We have a 2 bedroom rancher and the one bedroom has a bed, lamps on each side as I want them if I visit. I use the room for sewing.

  8. #28
    Senior Member Geila's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by razz View Post
    Need some clarification on this. Do you mean that each guest/s can stay for up to 14 days or the total that come for their benefit in any one year is 14 days? I would say that unless they with your planning are coming to see you, all others should pay for hotel accommodation. You could maybe offer to host a meal if you wanted to be kind.

    Why should you be paying for their food and shelter and the labour involved in order for them to have a vacation? Help me understand why if it still makes sense to you. That is simply not what friends and family ordinarily do.
    To clarify: it would be to limit free lodging in our home to 14 days per year, on a first come first served basis. Unfortunately, dh feels that providing a free place to stay is exactly what one does for friends and family, regardless of length of stay or number of visitors, or how rude or inconsiderate the guests are. This year, we've probably provided close to 8 weeks of free lodging. That's almost 1 week per month. Dh has not felt this is excessive at all and was fully prepared to offer free lodging till the end of the year for his nephew and anyone else who asked.

    This issue had (and probably still has) the potential to become a sticking point in our marriage. He feels a bit angry and resentful that I am asking to set these limits and that he will have to decline his friends' and family's requests to stay here.

    I've been thinking of further limiting the stays to immediate family only. Dh has 4 siblings that used to live here and moved to lower cost of living areas but still consider this place home and they like to visit often. So even if we limit to immediate family only, that will still allow for plenty of visitors. Dh has this one friend who visits often and is incredibly annoying and this would mean no more of his visits. But dh has known him for 30 years so I don't know if he'll go for this.

  9. #29
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    You could begin by letting your dh host his guests. When HE has company, he shops for extra food, he cooks, he cleans, he does the extra laundry, he provides a car (and you keep yours), you go about your life. He might feel differently after that.

    my inlaws usually only come two or three times a year.

  10. #30
    Senior Member Geila's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nswef View Post
    This thread is eye opening. I cannot imagine how any of you do it! If I had that much company and such RUDE company I would be insane. I hate to stay overnight at anyone's house and I don't want anyone here. My husband is more open as he was used to visiting relatives in the summer. His visits were to visit the people, not just use it as a free hotel room. When my nieces and nephews were little I had ONE at a time for a week. We did lots of exploring of DC, Baltimore and our area. We have a 2 bedroom rancher and the one bedroom has a bed, lamps on each side as I want them if I visit. I use the room for sewing.
    This has been eye opening for me too. I hadn't realized how worn out I was with all of it. I love my husband and want to make him happy, but I've also come to realize that I need to set limits for my own happiness. When dh said that the only thing that would make him happy in this limit-setting scenario was unlimited guests and unlimited stays and that anything else would make him unhappy, that was really eye opening. No wonder I've been putting up with it all this time. I knew at some level that this was very important to him and so I ignored my own frustrations. But hearing him say it made me see how unfair his expectations have been.

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