Page 4 of 8 FirstFirst ... 23456 ... LastLast
Results 31 to 40 of 74

Thread: What is positive house guest protocol

  1. #31
    Senior Member Geila's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    965
    Quote Originally Posted by Chicken lady View Post
    You could begin by letting your dh host his guests. When HE has company, he shops for extra food, he cooks, he cleans, he does the extra laundry, he provides a car (and you keep yours), you go about your life. He might feel differently after that.

    my inlaws usually only come two or three times a year.
    This would actually be amusing to try because dh hoards his vacation time something fierce and having him experience having to use vacation time to host his guests would surely be interesting.

    But I don't know how it would work in real time. I do plan to make myself very scarce when his family comes for their next visit. They always come for at least a week and I plan to be very busy during that time. I've already told dh. And I will be cutting way back on how much I prep for their visits. Clean sheets and towels on the bed and that's it. And I will no longer be lending out my car or being around to make sure there are no issues with the dogs. Guests will be forwarned about this.
    Hmmm... maybe I should have them sign a waiver of liability upon arrival.

  2. #32
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Posts
    2,440
    With dogs, possibly.

    really, if it's very important to HIM he should do it. If it's very important to him that you do it, what does he do for you? It's not ok to just expect you to exhaust yourself for his benefit.

  3. #33
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Phoenix
    Posts
    1,455
    I think any visit over 2 nights is too much from anyone except my own children and their spouse/kids. For my kids, 5-7 days is long enough.

    Perhaps Geila, you could turn this into a side business. Announce to everyone who visits you that you've opened a bed-and-breakfast, and that it costs a certain amount per room per night. ( make it about 40% of the cost of the average hotel in your area ?) Other than immediate family, everyone will be expected to pay for their stay. If you could do that, and you kept the same hostess role that makes your husband happy, would you feel better because you were being paid? That could be one solution that keeps you both happy and it might also cut down on some visits.

  4. #34
    Senior Member Geila's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    965
    So I brought up the immediate family only idea and dh said he had already decided that he was going to tell everyone that we are no longer hosting and the only person that can stay with us is the sister that he is close with. He said that will make it easy for him and that as long as his sister and her husband can stay with us, that's enough for him. Of course he didn't tell me any of this on his own. He is not a sharer feelings. Exasperating sometimes!

    So it looks like we have an arrangement that will work for both of us. His sister likes to stay for long visits - at least a week - but she's important to him so I'm okay with that. And he understands that she will his guest, not mine. I don't think I will mind their visits if I know that they are the only ones who will be staying with us. And he will limit their visit to two weeks per year.

    Dh seems like he has let go of his anger and resentment as well so that's a good thing. Phew. I'm glad this is done.

  5. #35
    Senior Member Geila's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    965
    Quote Originally Posted by Tammy View Post
    I think any visit over 2 nights is too much from anyone except my own children and their spouse/kids. For my kids, 5-7 days is long enough.
    Thanks for saying this. I keep thinking that maybe I'm being unreasonable and mean and that I should be okay with more. Seeing that others feel the same way, even when it's with their own kids, makes me feel better. Normal.

  6. #36
    Senior Member herbgeek's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    1,645
    Geila you are not unreasonable, your husband is. He doesn't feel the pain/burden so it just doesn't exist to him. Listen to Chicken Lady.

  7. #37
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Central Jersey
    Posts
    6,874
    Quote Originally Posted by Lainey View Post
    Can I add one other protocol item? Some guests are traveling many hours through different time zones, so their meal schedule is off from yours which means it would be nice to have snacks and drinks available when they arrive to tide them over.
    When my son/DIL stayed with us for a few months right after they got married, my DIL moved a dorm fridge into the room. I thought that was a little weird, actually. But they left it behind when they moved out. It was really useful for guests, even though it didn't really tie in with the decor . I stocked it with soft drinks and I put a little basket on top with snacks--it was like a little mini-bar in the guest room.

    DIL eventually reclaimed it, but I miss it. I know my visiting kids loved being able to wake up, reach over, and grab a cold Gatorade, especially if they had had a few beers out at the fire pit the night before!


    Geila, I agree with everyone else that your DH probably doesn't realize the burden he puts on you with his hospitable nature. I would definitely try to communicate that with him and see if you can find common ground like iris lilies did with her DH. Their system sounds like a great compromise. And I agree with what others have said about the 2-3 day limit. I think the famous Ben Franklin quote is "Guests, like fish, tend to smell after three days."
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
    www.silententry.wordpress.com

  8. #38
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    4,115
    I think the famous Ben Franklin quote is "Guests, like fish, tend to smell after three days."
    That was the quote that I was trying to think of. Thanks Catherine.
    Gandhi: Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony .

  9. #39
    Senior Member Geila's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    965
    Thanks guys. He did admit that he realized I was the one doing all the work. And that these people are probably taking advantage of us. I also think that he realized how unreasonable his expectations were when he had to say them out loud. He said the hardest part for him will be saying no to people. But I think that's part of being a grown up - and also part of a healthy relationship. Being able to say no is important. Me being able to say no to dh has been a good thing. And I hope he realizes that him saying no to others will be a good thing too.

    I should print that fish quote and paste it in my kitchen where all my guests can see it. I love it.

  10. #40
    Senior Member SteveinMN's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Location
    Saint Paul, Minnesota
    Posts
    4,063
    Just to provide a male perspective (albeit from the person who serves more as the host because he's not at a day job):

    First, we do differentiate between close (chosen) family and more -- umm, random -- guests. So we have different rules for different guests, both as hosts and as guests. Some folks require very little "maintenance"; others more so.

    1. What parameters do you follow when a house guest?

    We try to make a minimal impact on our hosts' lives. If we're visiting in their area, we assume we're on our own for accommodations and will accept staying with relatives only if they offer first (and we like them enough to accept and know it's not an imposition [e.g., no bed to give up but their own]).

    Even if we like the hosts we sometimes will refuse; for example, if the host is a heavy smoker or if the stay will be a "quick hit" with us gone most of the time or coming and going at weird hours (plane arrival, etc.) or. Sometimes when the trip is tough it's nice to have a hotel room where you can spread out and not worry about when you run a shower or that you have to leave by 5 am or that this pair of introverts is not up to socializing in the few hours we have not accomplishing the purpose of the trip.

    When we stay with someone, we, honestly, expect little more than a bed and safety. We don't count on the presence of alarm clocks or outlets or WiFi or good pillows or food offered that we will eat. We ask about "house rules" which can be anything from "you're on your own for breakfast" to "we never open the backyard gate because Fido can get out". We clean up after ourselves, wiping the toothpaste spatter from the bathroom mirror when it lands. If we take something out, it goes back to where we found it. When we leave we ask what our hosts want done with bed linens and towels.

    We ask if there's anything we can help them with while we're there. That might be computer help or answering some questions on sewing or providing some muscle for a project the hosts have coming up. We offer to help make dinner and we plan/offer to take the hosts out for dinner (or bring it in) at least every 2-3 days of a visit. Or sometimes we'll accompany them to the market and foot the bill. All depends on what works best for everyone.

    And we make an effort to visit with our hosts. If they just wanted randos they'd set up an AirBnB; we assume we've been offered accommodation because they want to spend time with us, so we make the effort to chat after dinner or invite them to something we'd like to see in their area that maybe they haven't been to lately.

    2. What do you wish your houseguests would follow? Need male input here as well please.


    Really, if they could be the guests we are, that would be great!

    Seriously, we've set up a quadrant of our basement with a queen-sized bed, there is an additional sofa for the younger visitors, and there are linens, an empty dresser, an electric fireplace, a TV and a streaming device, and their own bathroom and access to the laundry room. The password for the WiFi guest account is printed on a little placard by the nightstand. Nothing was purchased for the purpose of making a guest room, but it gives guests a quiet, decently-appointed place to disappear when they want to and we can stay upstairs almost all of the time to give them some privacy.

    We have a dog so we do ask them to be aware of her -- that she's here (in case they're allergic), that they close the door to the basement when they're not passing through it, that they don't feed her human food, etc.

    My biggest peeve with visitors is when they are just not thinking. For a while, despite offering more than one open outlet on the very same wall, some guests insisted on unplugging the clock radio. They could have unplugged the air pump to the bed (rarely used if they even know it exists) or the nightstand lamp, if, in fact, they had to unplug anything at all. But by unplugging the clock radio, they left their hosts the task of plugging it back in and then resetting the time (by pressing the button a million times). Careless.

    Ditto for leaving lights on all the time or leaving the fireplace to pump out heat while they are gone all day. We have one repeat guest who seems to wash laundry even if the load is just three items. I get traveling light and all that, but it probably will not set back the course of Western civilization to round up everything to be washed and to run one load -- or ask to join one of our loads. Save the fine-grained "this is dark green/this is light green/this is yellow" sorting for when you get back to your own laundry.

    We like to have an idea of schedules -- theirs and ours. We don't need to know where they'll be at all times, but if, say, the guest is visiting friends and knows they're likely to be back late, a word about that is helpful. We might even give them a key during their visit so we don't have to wait up. If the guest has dietary restrictions, we'd like to know so we can at least try to accommodate them. We ask our guests what they'd like to do while they're here and let them know when we have activities (appointments, etc.) we can't or don't want to reschedule. Communication works!

    We like our guests! They are hand-chosen, however, and not everyone gets in. And some folks who get an "okay" for a night or two may not get the okay to stay for a week. All depends on what life is like -- and on them.
    If Americans expended even a fraction of the energy on civic engagement that we spend on consumer ideology, our democracy would be much healthier. Can you imagine people camping out to vote? -- Charles Roberts, Amherst, Mass., Nov. 25, 2006

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •