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Thread: I am "seriously" dating someone...

  1. #11
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    Ok, going to ask... why can't you just enjoy a friendship? Why does it have to be such a long-term thing? If she wants a family, yes, you are probably not the right person to date but can't you help each other find out what is important and grow from there?
    Gandhi: Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony .

  2. #12
    Moderator Float On's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ultralight View Post
    It is very difficult to find a woman that I have any kind of deep connection with.
    Maybe you need to continue to work on you for awhile.
    I find it interesting that some times those without any faith are the ones that struggle the most with questions about themselves and relating to others.
    Relationships are about giving...not just taking. There isn't a check list to mark off. I'm not sure you seem that willing to give.
    I have a husband with pretty high expectations of people in general. I'm all the time telling him he's got to lower his expectations. There is no way the whole population can meet his expectations.
    Maybe you are the kind of guy who wants to be available when you want to be available and solo the rest of the time.
    I do have to add that if she is Christian and reads the bible, it does tell us not to be unequally yoked. It can be a struggle for a christian to be married to a person of a different faith or without faith. If Faith is part of her core existence. Do you really want to rattle her core? Maybe the biggest gift you could give her in her journey of life is to release her to follow her path and her interests.
    Float On: My "Happy Place" is on my little kayak in the coves of Table Rock Lake.

  3. #13
    Senior Member SteveinMN's Avatar
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    UL, I'm happy to hear you're in a relationship you're enjoying.

    But I think Tammy is on track here. It's been just weeks since the two of you met. Does either one of you need to commit to any more at this point than dating only each other till you see how the relationship turns out? Are either one of you the kind of person that just knows right away they've met The One?

    There must be some things you two see in each other. It does not have to be activities (bicycling or opera or board games with friends). It could be, as IL impiies, values, like both of you being really into minimalism or being citizens of the world or wanting to establish deep roots in a community. It's also possible that you two have yet to discover what you'll enjoy doing with each other -- maybe you'll try something new and both of you will fall in love with it. Right now I'd go with the flow of the relationship. Even if things don't pan out after a year or longer, you both have learned more about yourselves and that can only be a good thing.

    I would, however, add that the distance between is significant. My first wife and I dated long-distance and spent holiday weekends with each other. The weekends were almost-nonstop times filled with activities -- lots of fun but nothing much like real life. We can all be on our best behavior for 72 hours and push aside the things we don't like to do but have to do. IMHO without much more contact than you have now you really miss out on what your date really is like and you don't get many opportunities to see how she express es her values throughout her days (vice versa, of course). That can change with time, too, of course. But right now I'd say forge ahead and see where you two go. What do you have to lose by exploring?
    If Americans expended even a fraction of the energy on civic engagement that we spend on consumer ideology, our democracy would be much healthier. Can you imagine people camping out to vote? -- Charles Roberts, Amherst, Mass., Nov. 25, 2006

  4. #14
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    I have thought about this some more (while I was picking up tickets for an antique tractor show I have no interest in - but hey, the weather will be nice, my "date" will be happy, and I get to surprise him. I will probably have a good time.)

    i don't think you can respect her beliefs. By which I don't mean "refrain from trying to change" I mean, the fact that she truly believes in the precepts of Christianity is likely to undermine your respect for her intellect. And I think you will feel something on the condescension-to-contempt scale every time she drinks. And I doubt you can hide either of those things long term. So how do you feel about dating someone who has low enough self respect to accept that from a partner? (Or perhaps she will quit drinking, but I doubt she will lose her religion at 32.)

    see, I think you are one of those people who scopes out a situation and makes a decision really fast. And I think you knew what it was when you asked, but this girl seems to like you, and you want to enjoy that. So if you are asking "is it ok if I just keep enjoying that until she stops liking me or I stop enjoying it?" Yup. It is.

    but if you are still looking for a life partner, it is also ok to keep looking. Just don't lie to this one.

  5. #15
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    what is it with you and incompatible partners? she sound incompatible in the same ways your last gf was, now I'm not saying she IS your last gf, she could be completely different (and better for you of course) in 100 ways you have not listed but ...

    Shared activities is definitely not the most important thing, but it seems like there may be more to it than that.
    If you want something to get done, ask a busy person. If you want them to have a nervous breakdown that is.

  6. #16
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by catherine View Post
    Do you feel a deep connection with her?
    No, and that was kind of my point.
    I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand." -- Rodney Dangerfield

  7. #17
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by catherine View Post
    And I agree with Tammy. You don't make up your mind yet as to whether she is a life partner or just someone you are currently enjoying spending time with.
    She is a 32 year old woman in the US. She would not be happy if I just "currently enjoyed spending time with her."
    I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand." -- Rodney Dangerfield

  8. #18
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by razz View Post
    Ok, going to ask... why can't you just enjoy a friendship? Why does it have to be such a long-term thing? If she wants a family, yes, you are probably not the right person to date but can't you help each other find out what is important and grow from there?
    She wants a long term relationship. She is a 32 year old woman. Every passing day for her makes it less and less likely that she will ever get married.
    I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand." -- Rodney Dangerfield

  9. #19
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ApatheticNoMore View Post
    what is it with you and incompatible partners?
    Christian black women love me!

    And like David Lee Roth once said: "I don't get the women I want, I get the women that want me."
    I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand." -- Rodney Dangerfield

  10. #20
    Senior Member SteveinMN's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ultralight View Post
    And like David Lee Roth once said: "I don't get the women I want, I get the women that want me."
    You want the women who want you. Trying to do it the other way doesn’t usually end well for either partner.

    I think the direction here is clear. If she wants an LTR and you're not feeling it, either she has to wait until you get there (if you ever do) or she has to be free to pursue someone else. Time for a long conversation, preferably in person.
    If Americans expended even a fraction of the energy on civic engagement that we spend on consumer ideology, our democracy would be much healthier. Can you imagine people camping out to vote? -- Charles Roberts, Amherst, Mass., Nov. 25, 2006

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