I am "seriously" dating someone...

[ApatheticNoMore]

But give this a read:

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine...ladies/308654/

ridiculous, I mean not many people want a deadbeat if that is strictly defined as someone who can't hold any job long, and maybe still lives with his mom, especially if one isn't any such deadbeat oneself but knows how to hold a job and earn a living.

Anyone who is that concerned they won't get married at 32 is probably a bit neurotic frankly*. Ok it may be better to have a child younger but that's a bit of a separate issue.

* or it might be cultural, perhaps there are parts of the country where this is more true, rather than just seeming rather ridiculous ...

[razz]

Part 2 is especially interesting. I go for a really comfortable and good friendship every time when considering what should be important in choosing a partner. That is what I need and what I am offering beyond all other factors.

[catherine]

Part 2 is especially interesting. I go for a really comfortable and good friendship every time when considering what should be important in choosing a partner. That is what I need and what I am offering beyond all other factors.

Me, too!! Maybe that's why my favorite rom-com is When Harry Met Sally. Nothing more romantic than good friends realizing they have "something more."

[catherine]

ridiculous, I mean not many people want a deadbeat if that is strictly defined as someone who can't hold any job long, and maybe still lives with his mom, especially if one isn't any such deadbeat oneself but knows how to hold a job and earn a living.

Anyone who is that concerned they won't get married at 32 is probably a bit neurotic frankly*. Ok it may be better to have a child younger but that's a bit of a separate issue.

* or it might be cultural, perhaps there are parts of the country where this is more true, rather than just seeming rather ridiculous ...

True. Depends on what you mean by deadbeat, but there are a lot of charming deadbeats. That's how they get away with it. And there are a lot of people swept away by charm. And maybe more people than you realize who don't mind a deadbeat because they provide good companionship, and the non-deadbeat might be financially independent. And is a male deadbeat any different than a female deadbeat?

[CathyA]

UL.........I haven't read all the responses, but just wanted to add my 2 cents. I think when we first start dating someone, we try to minimize the differences. And to be blunt, I think sex clouds our judgement many times and we sort of like the relationship for that. And, if we've been lonely, it fills a big void......even if it's far from perfect. But in my experience, those little differences in the beginning end up being BIG differences later......and deal breakers. Some of those endearing things even turn out to drive us crazy later.

I say be careful....

[iris lilies]

I think it's possible for a non-believer and a non-practicing believer to co-exist. But when they push the boundaries into anti-believer and practicing believer, that can be different.

But I do believe that shared values are more important than shared interests.

And I agree with Tammy. You don't make up your mind yet as to whether she is a life partner or just someone you are currently enjoying spending time with.

Just musing here. I wonder if a stongly practicing believer might be less respectiful of his non-practicing believer SO than I as a non-believer might be? I suppose it depends on their values. If "practice your beliefs" is a strong value held by both of them, the practicing spouse might lose respect for the non-practicing spouse.

I agree about values vs shared interests being more important.

A shared value might be "make the most of your life with frugal hobbies that entertain you and improve your homestead as well." Two spouses sharing this value might each do one of these: fish, hunt, sew, cook, work with wood, fix up automobiles, garden for flowers, garden for vegetables, make mead, fell timber for firewood. The other spouse might do none of them, but might well approve of these activities as part of their core values. So these partners would not share hands on interests but would not be opposed to the interests, either.

[jp1]

My first BF, 26 years ago, was a strongly practicing believer. In fact he was a church organist by profession. When he learned that I was an atheist he was both heartbroken and incredibly depressed for weeks, and never entirely got comfortable with my atheism. He pictured himself dying and going to heaven and me, well... not. * And that we'd have to spend eternity alone, apart from each other. I didn't get it at the time because I was young and stupid. But that should have been my clue that we were simply not compatible. In the end we figured that out but we both wasted a lot of time getting there.

I obviously don't know how seriously religious Ultralight's new sweetie is but I'm of the opinion that religious compatibility is absolutely a potential dealbreaker. Current SO and I are 100% on the same page and I wouldn't have it any other way.

*BF#1 has since passed away, having stopped taking his HIV meds after becoming a meth addict and dealer and having a much more active sex life than me (which is saying something...). Not sure how all that plays out in heaven. For his sake hopefully Jesus is more forgiving than a lot of people who claim to represent him. I think about BF#1 often and although I don't believe in it I hope that for his sake there really is a heaven and that he's happy there.