Making minimalism a deal breaker?

[Chicken lady]

I was serious about tumblr.

[Ultralight]

I'm a pretty stark minimalist too, and when I was 38, about a dozen years ago, my list of deal breakers was very similar to yours (minus "likes to travel").

Since then, I've whittled it down a lot because I finally realized what my deal breakers were. They were not declarations of my principles, values, and preferences. They were reflections of the things I feared the most. People with the same deal breakers tend to have the same fears, making it harder for them to learn from each other.

Minimalism in the extreme, perhaps paradoxically, is a fear of letting go, of giving up control. I still struggle with this, but at least I know the truth about why I value minimalism. It's no longer a relationship deal breaker for me, so I guess I'm making some progress. But I no longer view it as a great virtue either.

Oddball:

You have seriously intrigued me.

Please explain more.

Some friends, who are not minimalist, have suggested that I practice minimalism as a way of detaching myself from "the world" or "this society" or "this culture."

I would agree. But is this fear? I don't know. It might just be a distaste for a toxic culture. Thoughts?

[Ultralight]

Trying to figure out how that works...

Uh... I fell in love with a woman who was much smarter than me. She has a PhD in epidemiology from OSU, an MPH from University of Michigan, and a biology degree from University of North Carolina. She worked for the state doing research and now works at the CDC in Atlanta. She was an agnostic. She was frugal (even figured ways to get us into movies for free). She did not have a facebook. She was from Africa and spoke English and French (with a pretty accent!). She loved apocalyptic movies and books, just like I do. She was a world traveler having been all over Europe, Africa, and Latin America. She loved Indian food. She really liked Harlan too.

The last time I hung out with her, after a date night, we were snuggling on the couch and she kept saying: "UL, I really like you. I really, really like you. I like being with you and spending time with you. I just really like you!"

And then...

[Ultralight]

I was serious about tumblr.

I don't know what that is.

[ApatheticNoMore]

Since then, I've whittled it down a lot because I finally realized what my deal breakers were. They were not declarations of my principles, values, and preferences. They were reflections of the things I feared the most. People with the same deal breakers tend to have the same fears, making it harder for them to learn from each other.

real deal breakers are the things that break up a relationship one really hoped would last, not a wish list of things that sound nice (and sure all the obvious candidates like cheating, disagreeing on kids, etc. usually qualify).

[Chicken lady]

It's mostly smut. Don't type it in your search bar at work. but there is a lot of alternative relationship focused stuff on there. Some of it is VERY alternative, but I was serious about there being women (people) who are looking for a partner who has his sh*t together and is willing to pretty much make all the decisions in the relationship. "You lead, I follow"

it it would be a good place to find an actual intelligent, well read blow up doll.

[Ultralight]

It's mostly smut. Don't type it in your search bar at work. but there is a lot of alternative relationship focused stuff on there. Some of it is VERY alternative, but I was serious about there being women (people) who are looking for a partner who has his sh*t together and is willing to pretty much make all the decisions in the relationship. "You lead, I follow"

it it would be a good place to find an actual intelligent, well read blow up doll.

I don't understand. Why would I want to look at smut?
Am I missing something in your suggestion?

[goldensmom]

Nobody like a mate who is smarter than them.

I do. My husband is smarter than I in some areas and I am smarter than he in some areas. I have more formal education and he has more practical experience. I don't think one is really overall smarter than the other but I do think that our areas of 'expertise' compliment each other. I can appear quite dense sometimes when he is trying to explain something to me that I have no interest in understanding. He can appear quite brainless when I am trying to explain something to him but he is just plain not listening to me. It's okay.

[Chicken lady]

Mixed in with the smut are conversations between real people living real lives. One of those alternative lifestyles is the shades of grey crowd minus the absurdity of a badly written book. It might be easier to find a girl who wants that type of relationship dynamic minus the s&m (or not - your life, I don't care) than a mainstream woman who has actually made all of your lifestyle choices on her own. You will probably want to steer clear of the "man makes decisions because god said so" section. Although it is likely to be smut free.

if you edit your list to "monogamous, intelligent, well read, attractive to me, non religious, doesn't want kids, willing to clean and cook to make me happy, and happy to let me make all the decisions about your education and employment, spending, housing, travel, alcohol, etc, must like dogs" it seems like the dating pool would be much larger there.

that btw is all the information you will get from me. I do not have related dating site contacts or links or friends who can show you around. You will have to wade through the smut on your own if you chose.

[Ultralight]

Mixed in with the smut are conversations between real people living real lives. One of those alternative lifestyles is the shades of grey crowd minus the absurdity of a badly written book. It might be easier to find a girl who wants that type of relationship dynamic minus the s&m (or not - your life, I don't care) than a mainstream woman who has actually made all of your lifestyle choices on her own. You will probably want to steer clear of the "man makes decisions because god said so" section. Although it is likely to be smut free.

if you edit your list to "monogamous, intelligent, well read, attractive to me, non religious, doesn't want kids, willing to clean and cook to make me happy, and happy to let me make all the decisions about your education and employment, spending, housing, travel, alcohol, etc, must like dogs" it seems like the dating pool would be much larger there.

that btw is all the information you will get from me. I do not have related dating site contacts or links or friends who can show you around. You will have to wade through the smut on your own if you chose.

I read that book, 50 Shades. I did not like it.