Making minimalism a deal breaker?

[Williamsmith]

I had a vasectomy over 30 years ago and since that time have heard lots of excuses from men afraid of the procedure. Be a man UL, walk the walk.

One of my friends had a bad experience. His testicles swelled up the size of cantaloupes. Very painful and he had to keep ice cold beer between his legs for a couple days. The only time I can recall that drinking beer didn't take away the pain.

And another guy who had one , got a divorce and remarried a woman who wanted kids. So.....he went back and had them hooked back up. Duh?

Me, I kinda wonder what it would be like to be in my seventies and be a new father. That has to be a rush. So I'll keep my prospects.

[Ultralight]

I don't get that from UA at all, frankly. He may have strong opinions about what he wants, but I think he values women who also have strong opinions, and he's simply looking for a good match of strong minds, which he hasn't found yet. That's my humble opinion.

Thank you.

[Ultralight]

I'm curious whether UL's 200 things is per household or per person. If per household a baby would be a problem. But if he could buy an additional 200 things upon the baby's birth it would probably be ok.

Harlan is allowed ten possessions.

[bae]

Me, I kinda wonder what it would be like to be in my seventies and be a new father. That has to be a rush. So I'll keep my prospects.

As part of my overall preparedness efforts, I wish to maintain my ability to repopulate the Earth after the asteroid hits, or whatnot.

[Ultralight]

First off, let me tell you how much I appreciate your contributions to this thread and for sharing so much!

A distaste for a toxic culture is one thing, and it warrants whatever amount of self-moderation you feel you need.

I don't like this toxic culture, so I try to stay away from most of it. Detaching keeps the blade off my wrist.

But I also agree with your friends that a certain level of self-moderation can become a detachment from the mainstream. And yes, this is fear.

Some things rightfully make us feel fear.

I have done many things to detach from our culture. I got snipped 20 years ago so as never to have kids. I don't watch TV or use social media. I abstain from meat, alcohol, smoking, and drugs. I'm agnostic and I'm skeptical of modern science, especially medicine, much of which is funded by special interests. I choose not to own a car or a house. I don't even have a microwave oven on an iPhone. Further, I found out a few years ago that I'm something called an INFJ, which made me feel really special, since it's allegedly the rarest of the rare personality types, whatever that means.

You sound like a cool dude! I am also an INFJ (though I don't put much stock in it).

All of this has made me feel pretty smug and arrogant. I like to hold people to my own standards, which of course almost no one can meet. This is where distaste for a culture crosses into alienation and fear. It took me decades to realize that my superiority complex was really a masked inferiority complex. I'm so afraid of not measuring up to the world's standards (even though I don't like them) that I opt out and make my own.

I am grossed out by most of the world's standards.

There's a name for this disease. It's called perfectionism, and it's just as debilitating as any addiction to drugs or alcohol or codependent relationships.

I think I have dabbled in perfectionism. But it does not suit me. I found out quickly that it kind of made me regress rather than progress in most scenarios.

One way to identify fear is to compare your motives with those behind the behaviors you reject. I was shocked when I realized I'd become what I thought I was transcending. In the same way that atheism is the flip side (not the opposite) of blind faith, in the same way that pure intellectualism is the flip side of irrationality (both are an attempt to escape reality rather than accept it), extreme minimalism is the flip side of materialism (both are an obsession with stuff). Extreme minimalism is also a close sibling to hoarding, the latter being a fear of loss and the former a fear of losing control.

I am dubious about much of your above statements.

It's fine to be a minimalist. I still enjoy being one even though I now realize why I became one. I also still enjoy abstaining from all the things I abstain from. It is possible, and necessary, to reintegrate with the world. It's also possible to do so without compromising healthful values and comfortable practices.

Being a minimalist sure is fine!

But at the very least, it requires a change of attitude and a shift in awareness. So I try no longer to expect other people to meet my standards. When you go there, you enter the control freak zone. I am a control freak, a perfectionist, and an idealist, but I'm trying to be a better balanced one, if that's possible.

I don't expect all or even most people to meet my standards. But I would like a few in my life who come close. And if I was romantic and partnered with one of these few I would possibly be happier and content and experience joy and intimacy.

Not saying you're one too, but if any of this is resonating, it might be something to think about. Because perfectionism is deep fear.

I dunno...

This, BTW, is the lesson of the Steppenwolf character Harry Haller, the 48-year-old perfectionist and misanthrope who rents a single room and detests all the toxic indulgences of his culture: radio, dancing, jazz, and general merriment. Ditto Thoreau at Walden.

Steppenwolf and Walden are two of my favorite books!

The desire for compatibility in a partner is understandable, even reasonable and sensible. But it's also, like minimalism, a way of seeking safety, to avoid conflict and other intimidating things and thus miss out on learning.

Not following...

Wanting to be with someone who's on the same page as you is a lot to ask if you ever want to learn from and grow with each other. How about just someone who's in the same book? Or on the same shelf? Or in the same library? There might be a bigger world out there.

Worth thinking about...

[iris lilies]

First off, let me tell you how much I appreciate your contributions to this thread and for sharing so much!...



You sound like a cool dude! I am also an INFJ...

...

So many special snowflakes on this side of the room! I am IN something something but can never remember if I am the very special brand of snowflake that some here seem to think is a badge of honor, or if I am something else.

[Chicken lady]

Lol iris lilies!

my 6 y.o.s:" hey! I have those Pokémon shoes! Wanna play Gaga ball?"

[Ultralight]

One of my friends had a bad experience. His testicles swelled up the size of cantaloupes. Very painful and he had to keep ice cold beer between his legs for a couple days. The only time I can recall that drinking beer didn't take away the pain.

I know two men whom this happened to!

[Ultralight]

So many special snowflakes on this side of the room! I am IN something something but can never remember if I am the very special brand of snowflake that some here seem to think is a badge of honor, or if I am something else.

Snowflakes!

[ApatheticNoMore]

Hmm DRINKING alcohol and taking almost enough nsaids to kill me is how I dealt with the pain of birth control procedures. Frankly they should have prescribed opiates, it was more than warranted from the high level of pain. But then compared to childbirth probably a pinprick.