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Thread: Making minimalism a deal breaker?

  1. #21
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chicken lady View Post
    Btw, I do know an attractive physically active atheist single woman in her 50's who loves dogs. She hikes, canoes, and travels widely. She loves gardening. she owns a farm house that is lightly filled and is into stuff in a very limited way (she has a few nice pieces of art, quality furniture...) but she drinks, she relapses to smoking sometimes, she has plenty of friends to do things with, and her response to you would probably be "I have enough children in my life" (grown son and his friends) because if she looked at your posts, she would see the same "searching for who I am and what I want" they are going through. And she doesn't need another man in her life.
    For some of us, we are on something of a vision quest our whole lives.
    Others of us sort of plop down in one place (physically and/or emotionally and/or intellectually). Then that is that. End of the road. Perhaps that is the sort of person she is? Perhaps being around someone on a perpetual vision quest reminds her of how she ceased to question, ceased to grow, ceased to develop. And that causes a cognitive dissonance she finds painful.
    I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand." -- Rodney Dangerfield

  2. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by goldensmom View Post
    I had parameters and a vision for the relationship I wished to enter then I met a man, ‘fell in love’, married and all the parameters and visions I had went out the door. Things have changed over the years, we changed and we are not the same individuals or couple that we started out as nearly 40 years ago, we are better and when we have to, we work things out. Probably not helpful but hopefully encouraging.
    Tell me more.
    I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand." -- Rodney Dangerfield

  3. #23
    Senior Member herbgeek's Avatar
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    UL, sounds like you treat finding a women like finding a movie on Netflix, ie " I want exactly what I want when I want it, and will stop the movie the second it ceases to be exactly what I want. " Good luck with this, I mean that in all sincerity.

  4. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by herbgeek View Post
    UL, sounds like you treat finding a women like finding a movie on Netflix, ie " I want exactly what I want when I want it, and will stop the movie the second it ceases to be exactly what I want. " Good luck with this, I mean that in all sincerity.
    I think this is hyperbolic.

    For instance, I am very flexible about physical appearance. As long as a woman is not emaciated or obese then I am fine with anything from skinny to overweight. I am also open to dating women from any race or ethnic background. I'd also be open to dating a woman with a physical disability, like if she was in a wheelchair, for example. That would probably not be a major factor. I am also not concerned with height, from super short to super tall, doesn't matter. Hair style or length? I don't care that much, but natural is good -- I don't mind silver at all. While I would prefer to date a woman in the 45-60 age range, I would go as low as 21 and as high as 65.

    I am flexible about religion too. While I would prefer she be atheist I would be fine with dating a woman who is religious as long as she is not preaching to me all the time. I can and have agreed to disagree on this, though I would prefer a secular woman.

    As far as hobbies go, I think having one shared passion/interest/activity is key. But if she plays on a softball league or is a model train enthusiast or a mini-citrus grower, I am cool with it and willing to support her. I have hobbies, so I know how they can be quite important.
    I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand." -- Rodney Dangerfield

  5. #25
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    I was this in my early 30s: atheist, drank occasionally, didnt want children, didnt care about getting married, minimalist (I wish I had photos of my living room and bedroom in the first house I bought to show you! ) they were bare of furniture, just a bed and dresser in the bedroom, a sofa and coffee table in living room. The other rooms had a few more things. I was conscious of minimalism and practiced it to some extent becasue I liked saving money, and I was always planning to move for my career, anyway. But I still had way more than 200 things. I consciously did not collect books, that was a stated goal.

    The thing is, minimalism wasnt important to me in a boyfriend. It didnt occur to me to require that of others. But then, it didnt occur to me that I would be sharing living space with someone else because I just was not thinking about living with someone.

    It was kind of horrifyng when DH moved in to my small two bedroom house. He owned large sets of furniture (purchased second hand, of course) but I had negotiated with him to keep 75% of it out of my, er, our house. His parents on the farm kept of it. Some months later my new employer paid for us to move, so all of that furniture minus a huge bedroom set got loaded on a truck and moved at someone else's expense, including two extra cars. Oh I forgot, I did have two cars and so did he. Cars are our weakness, we are not minimalist there.

  6. #26
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    I think it's hard to find a mate, if a mate is what you even want to find. I was lucky; my husband has all the nice attributes that you list, including a love of dogs. We share that. We share MANY common interests and in fact met through the common shared interests. If you want to find a mate, I think getting out into the world and doing what is fun for you is the way to go.

    But my son has just found a girlfriend online, so I guess that can work, too. She even has a really nice Boxer.

    My husband is not a minimalist, and I would not be happy with a hard core minimalist. If that is the dealbreaker for you--and everyone has them, if they are honest with themselves--then I think the idea of a minimalist dating site is really cool. You could end up the next Steve Zuckerberg if you start one and it catches on.

    I don't think I have any dealbreakers where someone has to be one thing or another. When I was dating, if we did nto share common interests and a similar sense of humor and values, then I lost interest and they probably did, too. But my last period of dating was when I was 40, and I lucked out and fell in love at first sight, which was something I never, ever expected.

    So maybe just get out there and pursue the things that interest and delight you, and you will find someone doing the same thing!

  7. #27
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tybee View Post
    I think it's hard to find a mate, if a mate is what you even want to find. I was lucky; my husband has all the nice attributes that you list, including a love of dogs. We share that. We share MANY common interests and in fact met through the common shared interests. If you want to find a mate, I think getting out into the world and doing what is fun for you is the way to go.

    But my son has just found a girlfriend online, so I guess that can work, too. She even has a really nice Boxer.

    My husband is not a minimalist, and I would not be happy with a hard core minimalist. If that is the dealbreaker for you--and everyone has them, if they are honest with themselves--then I think the idea of a minimalist dating site is really cool. You could end up the next Steve Zuckerberg if you start one and it catches on.

    I don't think I have any dealbreakers where someone has to be one thing or another. When I was dating, if we did nto share common interests and a similar sense of humor and values, then I lost interest and they probably did, too. But my last period of dating was when I was 40, and I lucked out and fell in love at first sight, which was something I never, ever expected.

    So maybe just get out there and pursue the things that interest and delight you, and you will find someone doing the same thing!
    I appreciate you sharing your insights and experiences!
    I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand." -- Rodney Dangerfield

  8. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chicken lady View Post
    So, you are looking for an atheist woman who owns less than 200? Items, does not want children, is financially stable and capable of supporting herself, and looking to make a lifelong commitment? Anything else?

    and she wants you why? Serious question, not a put down.

    have you heard the song "whole wide world"? it made me think of you the other day.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ultralight View Post
    I'd like to share a mutual physical attraction.

    But do you know someone like this? Hook me up!



    She wants me because:
    -I share her values
    -We have a similar lifestyle
    -I am a highly educated, employed, and reliable guy who loves rescue dogs
    -I do my share of cooking and cleaning
    -I am respectful and compassionate
    -I am well-read, bright, and "low-key" funny
    -I am an expert snuggler, I give great massages, and I am skilled at _____.
    -I live an active lifestyle.

    Need I go on?


    Link me.
    Based on Chicken Ladies post, they don't share values. Is it financially stable to owe more then your worth? Is that a "shared value" or superficial that has only recently been grown out of? How long have you been a minimalist, actually? Do you not think there is any possibility for eventual growth to a right size? (you have already obtained more)
    Sounds to me you have a biological clock ticking (find someone before I die), and are worried about their biological clock (kids), and wanting something like an arranged marriage (fix me up).

    It will happen, IF/when it happens.

  9. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ultralight View Post
    Tell me more.
    Since you asked…..the parameters that I had for a relationship before marriage are too many to list and mostly forgotten at this point in my life. I decided that is was more important to me to spend the rest of my life with this man than all else so I did some soul searching and came up with one non-negotiable and that was that we pledge to be faithful to one another. All other things can be negotiated. For example, I am a minimalist and my husband is not. He has multiples of the same power tool and just too many tools in general but it is not an unbearable vice so I let it go. I like to travel and he does not so I find a traveling companion or go solo, not a big deal.


    I had a vision of where I wanted to live but my husbands profession limited our choices and I decided to accept him over an address. I had a vision for a big family but we could not have children. As childlessness was unforeseeable before marriage, it was something we had to deal with together.


    We have changed and are changing simply as a matter of aging but we deal with it by the Biblical principal of putting the needs of others first and that includes husbands of wives and wives of husbands. I am my husbands helpmeet, not his mother, guidance counselor or warden. I learned early on that I cannot make my husband into what I want him to be but can choose to accept him for who he is….choosing being the operative word.
    Last edited by goldensmom; 9-20-17 at 12:55pm.

  10. #30
    Senior Member Geila's Avatar
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    I think the Mr. Money Mustache forums have a dating section. You might try that and see how you like it. I think many MMM'ers would share your values/interests like frugality, minimalism, travel, etc. I think many also tend to favor the choice to not have children and absence of religion.

    p.s. I just noticed you have to be a member to access the dating forum - it's called Mustachian and Single and a very quick glance told me you might enjoy the conversations going on in there.

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