The perceptions that people have of me, I just wonder if I can have any effect on how other people see me. I generally don't care what others think, of course I have some areas that do seem to matter, but mostly I tend to care when I see it affecting my life. I personally try to make sure I am not getting sucked into an easy way to classify people, and I love when someone is outside the box of what I would think of them. The parents really are great that way, the heavily tattooed dentist, the clean cut Black Flag fan, the dad who donated 2 trash bags of yarn and used to crochet toys.

So I had a conversation with a colleague that I don't see that often at a training. We talked about the most recent people who left out of the 47 of us in our position. One had the curt email announcement, I know she was given the option to resign or be fired. Another had an email that said she had moved on to another job at the school. My colleague commented that she knew the person would go far. I recall that the person who moved on volunteered for every committee, did extra things, and sometimes I cleaned up after her overambition. Another part of the conversation I mentioned that I had been interested in moving up at times, she seemed really surprised. That has been my gut feeling, that people at work have a perception of me that does not include ambition for lack of a better word. At least they have the perception I am nice and that I will help anyone who reaches out to me. I also volunteer (or have) for many committees and have done extra things over the years. I also have gray hair, am 50 and who knows what else.

I have often felt this invisible wall around the things I strive for, and I wonder if this is more universal than I originally thought. I have considered some of my INFJ-ness is a factor. I always thought I could show up with qualifications and my introversion was beside the point, and now I see all these things appear to take social connections. Social connections with people who understand when you are trying to get somewhere. I can't tell you how many places I have volunteered at or was a long-term sub teacher at that didn't even call me back when I applied for a permanent job. They had a perception of me as a volunteer, and no matter how glowing my review was I did not break through to employee.

My question is how universal is this, do lots and lots of people struggle and I am one of them, or maybe I am just that messed up in some way?