really powerful dream, whew

[Zoe Girl]

I have been doing a lot of work on changes, small ones and checking in a lot on how I am resisting the change that I want in ways. The big changes are around voice and creative work.

The dream stars Keanu Reeves as the angry, murderous husband, and me as the newly pregnant wife. Basically he had every intent to kill me by pushing me down a wooded, muddy ravine. He kicked me square in the chest. The reason was that I was pregnant and he didn't want that. As soon as I got to the bottom there were rescue workers and at the top police officers to arrest him. It was a very intense dream, feeling that I was literally facing death for being pregnant.

In dreams things mean other things, no way am I pregnant, but I am doing a lot more creatively. In addition to the Maker Faire I am doing a lot more dharma writing, study and sharing. I feel there are doors that are being eased open. Many many years ago I was writing seriously, I had a regular time, a group and got through half a novel. My ex was losing it, really. He was doing different things to sabotage my writing while telling everyone how great it was. That was a major factor in the choice to divorce, and then he really attacked for a long time after. Being a single mom and then having all the impact of the recession I did not write for a long time, or do much else besides small crafts. So there is a real fear in there to face around doing creative work and having bad things happen. Hopefully this dream is working part of it out, but it is one of those dreams you remember forever.

[iris lilies]

It is great that you are coming out on the other side and have doors opening into creative endeavors.

I know that personal recognition is very very important to you, so I hope that comes with it. But for me, the joy comes with making the thing, achieving my vision. I dont give much of a flip if others recognize it always. But sure, it is nice to have support and positive recognition.

My post here isnt directly addressing out and out sabatoge from others, but it addresses how other people interact with us as creators.

[Zoe Girl]

I think my desire for recognition may be related to this background of opposition. It was not just him, there is a longer history in my life. And i don't want to go to the other side of hiding things i do. Most of the time i am just focused on the work, but especially in the case of dharma writing the intention is to share for the benefit of all.

I wonder about the reactions, from working with the artists way i see many who are difficult as frustrated creators which gives me some space for compassion

[iris lilies]

And then there is undeserved praise for creative work. Sometimes it is the fawing praise of friends. Sometimes it is undeserved awards. Fortunately, I have an ear pretty well tuned to that, I grew up with parents who thought every piece I made was wonderful, they were not discerning.

A few months ago I won the award for best floral design in the show, a show where entries were all by judges and experienced designers. I should have been thrilled but my exhibit was not all that good. I would not have given it first in its class were I judging it (I actually would have give it a second place, though! Haha) let alone best design in the show. That award still makes me feel icky, but thats what the judges decided, so be it.

Some years ago, in a lily show, my stem won best of show and it was awkward because I lobbied for one other stem and still feel that it was significantly better, and honestly, the judging team was made up of fairly inexperienced judges.

As a judge I know that sometimes, many times, one has to flip a mental coin to determine the top exhibit because there are multiple exhibits that are strong and would be good choices.

I dont agonize over all wins. Some are justified more or less, some are clearly justified. It all evens out.

[Chicken lady]

Iris Lilies, that is how I feel about the ceramics show at the fair the last few years. I wish they would get a new judge. I win best in show every year (it is a very small show) and this year it should have gone to my daughter, or at least one of two other pieces I made that didn’t place as well. The first year with this new judge, there was a piece by a stranger that I thought would beat me, but it didn’t, and I felt really good because I thought the judge knew something about the quality of the works from handling them that I couldn’t see, but then the next couple of years happened and took the fun out of that win too.

i had a mother who thought everything was wonderful and a father who was never satisfied. For good or ill, for the most part I learned to listen to whichever parent backed up my own point of view.

”I have already settled it for myself so flattery and criticism go down the same drain and I am quite free.”
― Georgia O'Keeffe

[Zoe Girl]

I love the O'Keefe quote, I was giving a talk on Sunday morning about maturity in our practice (buddhist) and one thing I brought up was the ability to take praise without getting overblown with ego and specialness and to take criticism without getting devastated. I know that Stephen King has great advice on taking feedback. He says if 3 different people tell you 3 different things then do what you like the best, however if 3 different people tell you the same thing then just listen and change it.

I know that I get the best feedback from people who are also working on similar type of work. So I have feedback from doing the talks in my groups, it is pretty consistent that I put in a lot of information. I have been working on slowing down my talks and taking smaller bites of information, soooo hard! I have friends in the group that will insist no matter what that my talk was great, and I know it was okay but it wasn't that great, like you were saying with your own work. I don't have any other people I know doing crochet work, but maybe I will meet someone with the Maker Faire group. I would love to have some people to create with in that area, learn from and compare work.

I can also get the 'sour person', that came up when I was a mom of small children and still always getting some creative work done. That took me a long time to get some balance around, I have it now. People who would come over and see a project and then just make the conversation about how I must be so privileged to have the time or something. My family however, I would say dismissive and non-artistic. They simply wanted me to do things that made sense to them, practical things. My mom has been angry at me a few times over the years for doing crochet or writing when my kids were little, that has shifted a lot however

[catherine]

Back in 1998 when I was about to take a huge leap from being in the typing pool to being a market research analyst I had a similar dream in which I dreamed I was, not pregnant, but giving birth. The doctor/midwife was the president of the company. You don't have to be Freud to figure that one out, but point is, I believe that your association of pregnancy with your creative outflowing is right.

The interesting thing is how threatened you are by your own self-expression. I don't know what "bad things happen" when you create.. Obviously creation is a path, and you can't predict the outcomes, but if you "fail" you throw the pot back on the wheel and start over. If you are afraid of the type of psychotic reaction you got from your ex, thank God you are divorced, and trust that no one else is out to sabotage your work. As that wise god Nike said, Just Do It!

[Zoe Girl]

Thanks Catherine,

I realize the ex reaction is an old thing. However I have not been working on a lot of creative projects in the last 12 years so it never really got processed. Before my ex there was my mom who actively discouraged impractical things. To her credit I always seemed like I was going to float off in some way and a balance of grounded reality was needed. However you can be artistic and creative without being poor! I do however get more focused on the projects and I lose track of more things, misplace papers, have to work hard at paying my couple bills on time, just off in artsy land.