20 years and counting

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Married 35 years within the week. The first five were h.e.l.l. We were both unprepared to share life. Counselling and stubbornness helped. Happy now, but also can't believe how much time goes on. So many of our peers didn't make it through their first marriage and by this point are on second, third or more !

Two adult kids who each have three kids, and we absolutely love being grandparents.

i will have to agree with you since my mom is in her third marriage now.... my baby sister's marriage is her first but she is the current wife. her husband divorced the first one.

what kind of counselling, may i ask? i am really contemplating on doing the online counselling thing - and no - we're not in bad shape right now, but he is depressed and i dont know how to help him :-(. i saw this couples therapy ad online.

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/th...-therapy-work/

not to sure if it will work for us or not, still reading on personal testimonies.
and a big CONGRATS for the 35 years, from the bottom of my heart. i just hope we can survive up to that level or maybe more.

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Our 41st anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. In the early days, it took us a few years to learn how to live together, how to compromise, but the rest of that time has been heaven on earth.

may i ask what made it heaven on earth for you both? thank you and KUDOS for 41 years. imo, you look young Alan! did you marry in your teens?

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Heh. Newlyweds here: 7 years married; 10 together. Second marriage for both of us. Wish it had been the first but we weren't the same people back then so who knows if it would have worked? (I can say, though, that I would not have provided her ex's reason for a divorce.) It's good and it has been since the beginning, largely because we learned how to live with someone else during Marriages #1. Plans? Till death do us part. Neither one of us is going anywhere.

so sweet! i guess you're right. it's maturity i think and the willingness to make it work. and maybe the fact that this is the "right" person. hey, 7 is a good number! i know some who don't go past their 2nd year. too bad

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44 here, no kids, happy. I thought I was very independent and am now realizing I need my husband and enjoy being a couple. It was the best decision I ever made and we often discuss how lucky we are.

you really sound happy :-) may i ask, what fills your days? i mean, as for me, the kids take up most of my time which is why have a flexi-hours job.

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32.5 years, no kids. Pretty stressful at the beginning with commutes, full time jobs and both of us going to school at night - me first then spouse. Life got infinitely better after about 25 years when hubby really started being an equal partner around the house. Formerly either I did it all, or I had to remember that something had to be done, ask him and hear him grumble about it. Even better now that he's retired and I work from home since he does almost all of the house stuff now. I'm at the age now where I have some money from LBMM and would like to do more traveling, and hubby likes being home. That's the biggest stress we have these days.

and i thought i was the only one experiencing the my-hubby-is-not-helping-me-at-home-with-chores kind of problem. if you got it from him after 25 years, i guess, there's still hope for me.

may i ask - what's LBMM?

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34 years married, we’ve been friends for 38. I remember the first time I saw her - an underage drinking party at a fraternity. I remember the first time we talked to each other - Between classes ...she standing on the curb, me on the sidewalk. She slipped off the curb falling into me and said, “Nothing like falling for you.” I remember our first date - a college hockey game; we rode on a bus and we held our two pinky’s together.

I dont know if I can say we’re stronger. We came out of the gate pretty solid. It was a struggle the first couple years financially. Then she was the glue that kept the family together for the next 25 years. She lost the person she fell in love with for a long time but she never quit believing that he’d be back. I would never have blamed her if she gave up on me but I would have been surprised. We both come from a long tradition of sticking it out. Thick and thin...all the cliches.

These days, no matter what happens on the outside...we both know what’s in the heart and we cut each other a lot of slack in dealing with each other’s imperfections. We have a lot of pride in what we’ve accomplished and feel like making a difference is about as good as it gets.....even if most of it was in the past.

When we take walks ...now and then, our pinky’s will find each other.

William, that's beautiful. you made me cry. it just goes to show that when you fall in love, you keep that love even if at times the in love stage vanishes. it's been like that for us - this year we are in love, next year we stick it out because of love and then next, we just think of love --- i think that's the reason why those of us who stay together for at least 20 years just won't quit in love


dont tell me you're nicholas sparks? :-)

These days, no matter what happens on the outside...we both know what’s in the heart and we cut each other a lot of slack in dealing with each other’s imperfections. We have a lot of pride in what we’ve accomplished and feel like making a difference is about as good as it gets.....even if most of it was in the past.

When we take walks ...now and then, our pinky’s will find each other

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I was 19 and he was 21 when we married in 1981. I can't believe how much time has passed. We were poor for a decade in the middle and now we have plenty. Kids are out of the house but we love their visits and we're friends with them and their families. Grandkids are a hoot.

I tell people we got lucky. It all lasted, much of it due to dumb luck and determination. We are both completely different people now, but we grew up together and in the same direction. We are best friends.

best friends who are in love? :-) true - dumb luck and determination to not kill the other person

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29 years here. DH is pretty easy to live with, easier than me. But then, HEwas the one who really wanted to get married.

well, he was ready, maybe. and 29 years is wow!

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what kind of counselling, may i ask? i am really contemplating on doing the online counselling thing - and no - we're not in bad shape right now, but he is depressed and i dont know how to help him :-(. i saw this couples therapy ad online.

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/th...-therapy-work/

not to sure if it will work for us or not, still reading on personal testimonies.
and a big CONGRATS for the 35 years, from the bottom of my heart. i just hope we can survive up to that level or maybe more.

We did family counselling through a school referral with my son. DS was ADD and a handful and that stress coupled with our backgrounds really stressed us out. DH came from a long line of abusers and I came from a set of parents who never disagreed. This was a volatile melting pot as neither knew how to communicate. He was a yeller and I am a debater but neither knew the fine art of compromise or "you win this time, I win next". Huge help to have a nonbiased third party specifically lay out ground rules for discussions. In those years, my phrase to him was often "my ears stop hearing you when you yell at me". Which is said in a normal tone of voice over and over. I am not kidding, it seems so rude now, but it's where we were then...

Ground rules for discussions
Permission to put a pin in it, and return at another time when things can be addressed
Permission to walk away/ stop for a breather without offending the other
Not bringing the past into a current discussion
An oldie, but goodie: don't use "you always" or "you never". Ex: you always leave your wet towel on the floor, you're such a slob, you never pick up after yourself. Be specific: last time you left the towel on the floor, I felt devalued - as if your time was too valuable to waste picking up a towel, but mine was less valuable and should be used to pick up after you. I really think this example happened to us as well. I

I digress, and I'm sure some couples have never dealt with these issues, or things just clicked into place....but once resolved, we now know we can argue or disagree and it does not mean we don't love each other. There's usually a once yearly screaming match - our last one was witnessed by a friend, and ended with dh and I in giggles as we realized how insignificant it was....

[herbgeek]

may i ask - what's LBMM?

Living below my means