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Thread: 20 years and counting

  1. #11
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    Before the traditional third post about software by you, I have to say I am not married. Once proposed, but the response I got was rather cold, as she was hoping that I would introduce her to one of my wealthier friends, so she could be "kept".
    That said I had an interesting discussion with a friend/customer yesterday. His daughter cut off visiting him, or letting him see the grandkids, because he is dating someone, after 2 1/2 years being a widow.
    I understand ones like the one I know where the husband cheated, the wife killed herself and he was left with everything and proceeded to marry his girlfriend (actually seen that one twice, once reversed). I don't understand how kids think one should remain forever single, if one finds happiness again. It really was till death due they part.

  2. #12
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    It will be 44 years a month from today. We are best friends and are at a wonderful time where we can do whatever whenever we want. There were times we had to take care of aging parents and then could not leave because of the dog. Now both are gone so we are unencumbered. We are planning a multitude of trips to places "on our list." This is what we worked a lifetime to achieve. I am thrilled we actually made it!!!

  3. #13
    Moderator Float On's Avatar
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    We had 3 dates before we had a 6 mt engagement which felt 3 mts too long at the time. We've been married over 27 years. The last 5 have been the hardest - the failing and closing up of our business was the hardest thing we've experienced. Both of us are still a bit raw from that.
    Float On: My "Happy Place" is on my little kayak in the coves of Table Rock Lake.

  4. #14
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    40 years for us! I can't believe it. It's been a great ride--sometimes a scary roller coaster, but who doesn't need a few thrills in life?
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
    www.silententry.wordpress.com

  5. #15
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    Just completing a horrible and lengthy divorce after 20 years, two kids. I wish I had divorced years ago. Like williamsmith, I come from a "long tradition of sticking it out" which I think was one reason I stayed in an abusive situation for so long. Not that other relationships in my extended family were abusive (as far as I know), but just that hardly anyone ever got divorced -- it just wasn't done/was frowned upon. Since my situation also involved mental illness, I also had a lot of confusion over whether "in sickness or in health" meant I had signed up to stay with someone who abused me. After a lot of therapy and a domestic violence support group, I have now decided that is not what was meant. Luckily kids were still fairly young when we separated more than four years ago (it has taken nearly all of the time since then to divorce him).

    On a lighter note, not surprised to hear of so many long marriages here. I think that a lot of the same qualities that are necessary to financial thoughtfulness or discipline are also very conducive to sticking with a marriage even during the tough times, e.g., being guided by a strong set of underlying principles, being able to delay gratification, appreciating the simple things.

    A fun thread, thank you for sharing!

  6. #16
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    third marriage for me. 19 years together and 14 married. WE have a great time together and ended up raising one of his 2 sons. All are adults now and we love being empty nesters. First marriage got married at 18 and he was in the service. I divorced him after 3 years. we were just too young. 2nd marriage at 22 and we stay married for 22 years (3 kids) and I divorced him. 2nd husband was very controlling and verbally abusive so I left him as soon as the youngest was 18 and out of HS. I was so stressed out all the time that my neck was literally strangling both of my arms. The Neurologist after doing testing said something was seriously wrong with my life and I needed to fix it.

  7. #17
    Senior Member SteveinMN's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mamalatte View Post
    I wish I had divorced years ago. Like williamsmith, I come from a "long tradition of sticking it out" which I think was one reason I stayed in an abusive situation for so long. Not that other relationships in my extended family were abusive (as far as I know), but just that hardly anyone ever got divorced -- it just wasn't done/was frowned upon. Since my situation also involved mental illness, I also had a lot of confusion over whether "in sickness or in health" meant I had signed up to stay with someone who abused me. After a lot of therapy and a domestic violence support group, I have now decided that is not what was meant.
    My first marriage was similar. I sometimes half-joke that we would have divorced sooner if we hadn't been working different shifts. But we were in a cultural/religious environment in which divorce was tolerated only in cases of "mental illness" or adultery on the part of the one who left the marriage. Neither of those applied to us. Well, there was some depression (certainly for XW; perhaps for me). But ... you just "didn't". Until finally I realized that the goal was to be married, not to be living in the same house at the end of our lives, holding on to some tattered marriage license.

    It's a longer story than that, of course. I'm just confirming (since so many of the posters so far have been married only once) that there are many external factors which play into deciding to stay together.
    If Americans expended even a fraction of the energy on civic engagement that we spend on consumer ideology, our democracy would be much healthier. Can you imagine people camping out to vote? -- Charles Roberts, Amherst, Mass., Nov. 25, 2006

  8. #18
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    37 years for us and happy about that!

    We were 16 on our first date and married just after our 19th bdays. It was a challenge growing up through our 20s, hubby fired and unemployed for nearly 6m and unmotivated to find work-nearly ending our marriage, both going to college, living on very BAD financial advice from his seemingly well-to-do parents. House payment, 2 car payments, lots of credit cards.......we woke up in the late 80s and realized we were stressed out, unhappy, ignoring each other and on the verge of bankruptcy. We spent the next 5 years working our butts off, paying down debt, doing absolutely nothing fun except the occasional camping trip, finishing our degrees and then life blossomed for us in 1992. Our financial situation is our 1 major regret!!!! (and his parents are late 70s and very happily refinanced their home of 40y taking all the cash they could for a new 30 year mortgage when his Dad turned 70 they obviously still suck at money. If we had to guess, they have refinanced at least 10 times. Those costs likely equal what they paid for that house back in 1979.

    We have learned much from this marriage journey about commitment. About the depth of our marriage vows. About each other. We ignore the stupid little things that annoy each other recognizing they aren't worthy of divorce. We are forever friends and count on each other through every thing! I am more judgmental and quick to anger, he is calm and floats. I tell people we're still married because he's a saint. He says I ain't so bad.

    I wouldn't trade this relationship for anything. I once had a conversation with a multimillionaire neurosurgeon I worked with a lot who was on his 3rd marriage. I told him I wouldn't trade my marriage for all his money. This is something he could not comprehend. I wonder what his now 4th wife thinks?

    A solid marriage is a highly committed 2 way street with a lot of give and take and plenty of communication as the foundation. Who knew one could love someone so much and want to be with the same person day in and day out? BFFs forever

    We dote on our 2 cats, 8yo beautiful purebred Lynx. They entertain us often. No, they are not our kids-a comment I despise is being called Mom. But we love sharing our home with them.

    We didn't have kids. Premarital discussion-he didn't want any. Um, OK. We love being Aunt/Uncle to my nieces/nephews and we're getting to know the next generation as well. Love spending time with all of them. I say it's like being Grandma without giving birth!

    We have worked hard for our retirement and we are set. I'll retire in 3.5 years at age 60 and he plans to work to 65 (one of us has to work for healthcare-especially under this President, until it's universal in the US).

    We plan to see more of the US-our travel plans. We both have hobbies we'd like to spend much more time on. We will split our time between the city home and our mountain cabin able to flit back and forth on a whim as they are just 2.5h but a world apart. And spend more time with my family as their time allows. And I know there is volunteering in my future be it in Nursing or other community avenues.

    Marriage is not for everyone. It's not an easy-peasy road to travel. But it's been a fantastic learning/growing/worthy road for us.

  9. #19
    Senior Member beckyliz's Avatar
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    We just celebrated our 25th. Could be better - could be worse.
    "Do not accumulate for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and thieves break in and steal. But accumulate for yourselves treasure in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, your heart is also." Jesus

  10. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chicken lady View Post
    27 married 31 more or less together. Life is good! One of the best decisions I ever made. We are enjoying being “empty nesters” and really looking forward to nailing that down when Dd graduates in may. I’lll probably box up her stuff at Christmas time since her last visit she claimed the nicest guest room instead of staying in the room that was hers the last few years.

    another decade or so? Until he retires, looking forward to grandchildren.
    ohhh!!! is it like honeymoon stage all over again? we have 5 kids but all of them are below 18 except for our eldest. she's in college and finishing up accountancy.
    grandchildren are the best! they keep your stress levels down and now i understand, grandparents are indeed spoilers!

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