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Thread: when you know people are talking about you

  1. #1
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    when you know people are talking about you

    Yeah, another wonderful moment in making friends. This is actually a colleague at work but I felt we were becoming more friendly. We have some mutual friends and were at a baby shower together that was a nice time. I just found out that when she covered my morning at my site Friday that she talked bad about me and my site most of the morning. Some of it was maybe justified, like I forgot to get little cups for milk for snack. Other things were just weird and not true. So I really need her to work with me on the days there is no school, my other option is to work 12 hour days pretty consistently. Our shared supervisor has told her (pretty ineffectively) to come over and work part of these days.

    I just need a game plan to manage this, my positive intention for Monday is affected for sure. I am not going to change her, there is no one to really talk to about it, so I need to adjust. Ideas are welcome, so far I have
    * tell my staff who are hearing this to selectively share, I don't really need to know that she talks bad about me
    * let it go but not as a victim of negativity but as a way of giving it less energy, letting it reflect back on her naturally
    * continue to have direct communication about what we need to, don't look for anything social beyond that

  2. #2
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    My feeling is that when I am in your shoes with this kind of situation, I go for that second option you list. That is definitely what I do, not sure if that is good or not, but it's the solution I would and do reach for.

  3. #3
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Hey girl, you have outlined all of the good ideas!

    Other things to consider:

    I wonder if she might like being casual friends with you, meaning “friends at work” not real friends, BUT may also just have a problem in running her mouth inappropriately. Gossipy, in other words.

    In this case, do you want to be friends with her? Maintaining friendly relations at work is important but going beyond a “friends at work” relationship may not be in your best interest.

    The one thing that stood out to me in your possible approach is this: perhaps it isnt a good idea to tell your staff in general to shut down communication from others. I say this not knowing if one employee in particular is a gossip monger but if so, you deal with that particular problem of that particular employee. I would want to know comments from other managers if they were objective such as your site didnt have cups for the snacks served IF that is required or important. But you are right, “selectively” passing on communications means focusing on facts.

    To be professional, it really helps to focus your attention and speech for yourself and your employees on THE WORK. Turn problems and issues back to THE WORK as opposed to THE PERSONALITIES.

  4. #4
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    I found that friends at work were seldom friends out of work so rarely chose that route.

    ZG, you have wonderful qualities and you are expressing them with all those with whom you are in contact. How they react is up to them. How you react to them is up to you.
    Gandhi: Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony .

  5. #5
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    Thank you all, I am working on supporting myself in creating a more positive work environment for me and my direct staff. I don't want them to feel they can't talk to me however I also tend to feel hurt or defensive so it is best to not hear most of it. I may have needed to hear about the snack cups, that was and adjustment I made due to the really low budget I was given for snacks and supplies.

    What I heard from my staff was mostly a concern about the tone she used like "ZG should have done this, I don't know what she is thinking." Last year we did shared camps and our supervisor at that time asked me about several issues, which means she was complaining about me. I was able to answer all of them and back them up with evidence, so I didn't hear much after that. It may affect how others see my work, and yet I also get compliments.

  6. #6
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    Unfortunately I have never been able to do much to get people to stop talking about me in a certain tone or voice, if they do not like me, and plenty of people haven't liked me over the years.

    That;'s why I tend to go for the second option, and let them burn themselves out with their own behavior. (Of course sometimes they get promoted over me, lol, so it is not really a surefire way to advance in the workplace.)

  7. #7
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    There is a clique of three and I know the ringleader talks about me because she talks about everyone else in the office outside her clique. She is very two faced, smile in your face then tear you to shreds behind your back. She does this to people who have had her at their house parties too, and also the boss even though she is his protege. So she's an equal opportunity hater. She also had no shame about cheating on her husband. Some people are just mean and selfish. Your coworker's "I don't know what she was thinking" comment shows this woman is one of them.

  8. #8
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    On the other hand, I just assume people are talking abut me and notalways in a favorable light. There are different degrees of disparaging talk, and most people engage in bits of it.
    Last edited by iris lilies; 11-7-17 at 2:11am.

  9. #9
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    Thanks all, I get pretty nervous when I am aware of people talking about me. Of course there is some talking that I think most everyone does to some extent. When we have our annual reviews part of it is 'norming' sessions. So all the supervisors get together and talk about us so that our reviews are fair and balanced. I avoid going to the main office for at least a week so that I don't have to look at anyone

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