My counselor canceled our appointment

[frugalone]

Oh--regarding my husband's "isms" or "issues." There are a number of them and I feel odd sharing this online without his permission. But...

He has PTSD from both childhood and adulthood physical and mental abuse. He suffers from depression, OCD/hoarding and anxiety disorder (sometimes has disabling panic attacks). Physically, the work he did (in the construction trades) has crushed several of his upper vertebrae (I think that is how you'd put it; I'm very weird w/medical stuff). As he's aged, he's been less and less able to do various tasks. He has gastric disorders as well as neurological disorders and may have had a stroke at some point in time. He has been encouraged by me and the counselor to apply for disability benefits, but he has said it feels like "giving up or "giving in" and worries about being viewed as a "cripple." I can only guess this is some sort of ego thing, because he is very kind and sympathetic to friends and family members who have serious illnesses or disabilities. As a perfectionist, I think he sees himself as having to be better than others.

He has said that both the mental and physical problems (particularly depression) have kept him from applying from even simple jobs. I do not think he is BS-ing me. I think he's a very troubled person, and I do think that he loves me and cares about me. I do worry, though, that he will never be able to overcome his problems. I wish he could, not only for my sake, but because he deserves to have a more fulfilling life than the one he has. He is pretty much a loner at this point--I've seen an increase in the depression over the years. He has tried anti-depressants and he may just be one of those people they do not work for. He does take one, not for the purpose it's meant for, but because it's known for having pain management qualities, and it does work and help somewhat.

Also, he has been to counseling on his own both before and after he met me. So it's not like he hasn't tried. I just think, sometimes, people are flawed and can't be "cured."

I guess this is where "acceptance" comes in. I don't think he's doing this on purpose.

[frugalone]

The counselor's office just called with a cancellation for Monday. I'll have to leave work and then return afterwards but it's better than waiting three more weeks.

[JaneV2.0]

I have a friend with a constellation of health/mental issues very similar to your husband's and it took them three years to get SSDI. I would be tempted to make applying for it as mandatory as you can--it will make a lot of difference.

Best of luck with everything, Frugalone.

[ApatheticNoMore]

disability can be hard to get, but not cool that he probably would qualify and instead is relying on you entirely to support him (putting all the responsibility on you rather than programs specifically designed so that this isn't the case) when both of you would be better off financially if you also had his disability checks coming in (doubt they are huge but still it's something). If he was really determined to work part time or something despite all his problems, I see how collecting disability would be a problem, but he isn't, and no it's not fair.

[frugalone]

I know it's not fair. I don't know what to do about it. I suppose I could just walk out and I suppose everyone would think I'd be right to do so. But I happen to love this person and it goes much deeper than that. Hence, why I'm a bit messed up.

Jane--three years?! That is terrible.

[iris lilies]

I know it's not fair. I don't know what to do about it. I suppose I could just walk out and I suppose everyone would think I'd be right to do so. But I happen to love this person and it goes much deeper than that. Hence, why I'm a bit messed up.

Jane--three years?! That is terrible.

You might have to pay him maintenance if you divorced. For a time, anyway. I would be careful about assuming you would be free of him financially.

[frugalone]

I'm guessing maintenance is something like alimony? Believe me, it has crossed my mind.

I just wish there was some way for things to change that wouldn't be incredibly painful for everybody involved.

You might have to pay him maintenance if you divorced. For a time, anyway. I would be careful about assuming you would be free of him financially.

[JaneV2.0]

I know it's not fair. I don't know what to do about it. I suppose I could just walk out and I suppose everyone would think I'd be right to do so. But I happen to love this person and it goes much deeper than that. Hence, why I'm a bit messed up.

Jane--three years?! That is terrible.

Yes--and the worst of it was that they didn't have enough work history to get more than one year's back payments. But at least they got it. They had phone-book sized files full of records of doctor's visits, medications, counseling, etc. to make their case. And a good attorney. So be prepared.

Convey to your husband that his pride is getting in the way, and that he'll probably feel less anxiety when he's bringing in some money.

[frugalone]

This is very discouraging. We don't have enough files--we'd probably have to pay the doctors to get them. And he never made enough money when he was working to get anything in Social Security payments. So he'd have to get the "other kind" (I did read up on this a bit--there's one that's income-based and one that is not). We probably can't afford an attorney either.

My life feels like this: No matter which way I turn, no matter what problem I try to solve, there is a wall in front of it. It's not just the stuff w/spouse: it's my job, my own problems (because I am not without them--my depression did not come from living with him--I've had problems all my life), etc. etc. I have a feeling this poor counselor is not going to be able to help much at all.

Yes--and the worst of it was that they didn't have enough work history to get more than one year's back payments. But at least they got it. They had phone-book sized files full of records of doctor's visits, medications, counseling, etc. to make their case. And a good attorney. So be prepared.

Convey to your husband that his pride is getting in the way, and that he'll probably feel less anxiety when he's bringing in some money.

[Yppej]

Closed means you have to be a codependent. Others cannot attend.