Words fail me.Originally Posted by Zoe Girl
Words fail me.
Thank you, I am feeling really good about the clear boundaries with this one.
Update that i did get some storage space! It actually sucks as a space but i didnt have to figure it out myself which is what i thought was best.
Then my boss came out to help me interview a candidate and that went well. He stayed to talk and i had told him i had a short time, many deadlines and a nurse visit and a training, etc. At one point i got an essential phone call for the payroll deadline and after he wanted to talk about the elephant in the room. Basically that according to him i have been choosing to avoid talking to him, and as part of that conversation i talked about having boundaries so that i could meet all my deadlines, he asked what was wrong with what he was doing that i needed boundaries. So that explains a lot! I told him a little about how i have boundaries with everyone and that what i do with him is how i am with most people (except that other people understand so i don't lose my temper). I can teach a 5 year old that i have limited time to talk or ask a parent to send me an email if they are telling me something during snack check in, and it goes well.
Today one morning staff was actually admitted to the hospital, another is recovering from flu, and the one with lupus actually seems to be okay but i have not had time for her. This means 5 days of being there about 6:30 and staying until 6. It may get grumpy
ZG, may I share an insight that has recently come up in my life. I discovered that what I was calling boundaries was being perceived as walls by others?
What I need is parameters, a shared discussion and consensus, but based on a solid basis. There are still boundaries.
For me, a solid basis example is from Hamlet - "to thine own self be true [my highest sense of right] and thou canst not be false to any man".
Do you have a clear sense of your solid basis that you can share with your sup to indicate your reasoning that is driving your actions and words?
As Cicero said, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”
Thank you razz, I do think that it is being seen as walls. He wanted to know why I wasn't open to him. Based on some of my history it is a real challenge to be open when I don't have a lot of trust. Not too unusual actually . And I am not sure my job should require me to be 'open' even if we are in the realm of education and social support. How many times has a man said I have walls because I am simply not listening to them for really long periods of time or agreeing with them. I feel rather like he is just going to keep going until I agree out of exhaustion, my staff and colleagues have reported similar experiences.
So part of the questions are from our 'culture', what kind of personal boundaries are expected from his hispanic culture as compared to my white culture, what is the expectation based on gender, are there assumptions? I have lots of work in small groups that have a lot of safety around communication and open-ness, I could be part of creating that. However I really need to be led by facilitators with some great training and background.
Today I am just getting through the day, very tired and it will be work to not have it affect people who are not responsible for it.
Blimey, if he actually asked you a big open ended question about why you are not “open” to him, that is ridiculous. What a stupid concept. But if he wants to talk about Gringo culture, you have to put up with it as his employee and a member of the dominant culture.
I assume from your post above about “boundaries” that you are really speaking about prioritizing your work obligations and deadlines over sitting with him and chatting about dumb shit. That certainly is a type of boundary. If I understand this situation correctly, on one hand it is good that you and he are meeting to talk out work issues, but on the other hand he visits you when you really are not free to talk with him uninterrupted by work obligations. Surely he can see that, or if he expects you to drop all work obligations he needs to understand and approve the consequences.
in that situation you smile and feed back that you are “open” to him and use his own (stupid) framing of the conversation to get across the idea that you are focused on the work, the quality of the work, and meeting deadlines. If he prefers that you prioritize being “open” to him (shudder) then I suppose you have to demonstrate that is your new focus.
But ugh.
Thanks Iris, I hang with hippy dippy sensitive crowds and this 'open' bugged me too. Want to see my real personality? Well it is quite different than how I show up professionally actually. You pretty much said what I was saying in very similar language,
I was thinking about finding and sending an article on mindfulness, boundaries (priorities) and single tasking (as opposed to multi-tasking). Since I am the mindfulness person in the department then I am going to take that lead and build my career.
BTW I went to an awesome train the trainer to teach de-escalation techniques in my department. Loved the guy and talked to him at the end about mindfulness skills for trauma and ptsd. He was very interested in the topic so I will follow up. I think I have a good reputation and am known in the department and district so there are options to move out of my position but stay in the district. I am asking HR about doing job search and applications that my supervisor cannot see, it may not be 100% but that is okay. I need to let go of the idea I can 'fix' him or the department as part of moving on.
IL, cute but well phrased. It does sound as though he is paraphrasing without understanding the full possibilities of the meaning of the word 'open' in a work setting.
As Cicero said, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”
Just have to quote you here, and add another "brilliant" to the pile.
Honestly, this is HUGE. It is what kept me in my dysfunctional job for way too long, not to mention dysfunctional first marriage. I am a typical al-anon er and have made my life out of fixing things. Some things cannot be fixed.
This is such an enormous breakthrough insight. I need to keep this in mind for my own life, big time.
ZG, you couldn’t spare the time to respond to your staffer with “I’m so sorry to hear that”?
From my vantage point, I’m seeing you demanding empathy and special accommodations from everybody else. Yet here you have somebody who has just received a really scary diagnosis and you don’t offer the tiniest crumb.
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