Moving, buyer's remorse, anxiety

[Tybee]

Hi all, we are now under contract on a house near one of my kids, less than an hour's drive. And I am completely freaking out. Partly it is financial--this is a real stretch for us and means getting a mortgage again, which has me in a state of panic.
Partly it is fear that things will be wrong with house in future and it will be beyond our means and we will have to sell the house.
Partly it is fear about moving again--it has taken me 4 years to start to feel at home and comfortable here, and now we have to start over.
Partly it is fear about expectations of family--son is so eager that we get there, full of plans for us to babysit, etc, and that was never exactly my goal--I wanted time with them as family, but he keeps stressing how they plan to leave kids with us, for which I feel rather ill prepared. Plus the house needs everything and we will need a couple of months of intensely working on house to make it reasonable to move our stuff in. Much less oversee toddlers--ths is going to be a work site for a bit, while we also teach at home (aka work--8 hours a day as well.)
Partly it is fear about reaction of other son, who is not going to be thrilled we have bought house there and not hear him.
My sister-in law just wrote me about how thrilled they are we are coming--I m happy about that, but that is another set of family expectations, and I have been feeling really under the weather with the onset of winter--just kind of hanging on, depressed, and want to go back to bed.

I feel in such a state of panic right now. Any advice greatly appreciated.

[Teacher Terry]

Tybee, I am confused as to why you are making this move as it does not appear to have any positives for you guys. I would not want to babysit at this age either.

[catherine]

How about writing a list for us of what makes you excited about the home? I totally understand all of your fears, Unfortunately, we usually have to move through fears to get to what we really want. Is this what you really want? Why/why not?

One consideration: You always will have the right to back out if you don't like the inspector report. If the house needs a lot of work, there will probably be "just cause" if you change your mind.

[Williamsmith]

I had my house paid off just before I sold it. I subsequently ended up with a small mortgage on my condo. I get the feeling. It was nice knowing there was no mortgage payment. But I could in truth pay off my mortgage if I had to by tapping my IRA. But that don’t make any financial sense. I’d say that reaction is normal.

The other issue seems like it is bothering you more. It has to do like you said with expectations and beyond that your autonomy and freedoms. I can only reflect on my personal experience. I raised my granddaughter actively for her first five years. I sacrificed some of the I, Me Mine aspects of retirement to do this. It was an experience that reinforced my self worth. I got lots of hugs.

But she is now in another state and I am completely without responsibility. It is nice to be free to do what one wants. But I don’t get many hugs anymore.

You might have to acknowledge that at some point there must have been some overriding convictions you had that made you commit to this life change. And maybe you are aware that having these conflicting feelings is probably normal. I don’t know. Only you can answer that.

Usually, we have trouble accurately envisioning how the future will play out. There are just too many variables. Try not to jump too many ditches until you actually get to them.

But I forgot to say. Be prepared to jump ditches.

[Tybee]

Thanks. I am definitely having panic attacks over this and need to take this step by step. We just got off phone with inspector and we scheduled a full inspection, including a lot of things we wouldn't necessarily normally do, so at least we will have better information about the house.

That will give me more peace of mind that some of the things I am worried about are okay--things we have had go wrong in prior houses, like septic systems and water quality. Am also checking for radon and mold.

Just got off phone with other son and he had not gotten our message that we left--he reacted pretty evenly so that is good, although we woke him, I guess (he works nights) so I hope he understood what we were telling him.

I think a very thorough inspection is a very good idea, and we go from there.

William and Terry, I definitely want to be in my granddaughters' lives, and that is a big part of moving out there. I just want to manage my son's expectations a bit as I know I am not up for tons of babysitting--not physically able to deal with chasing toddlers and not up for that much stress. But I want to be there for them and do a reasonable amount of babysitting. I think they are just feeling overwhelmed right now with new baby and not realizing that I am feeling a lot more overwhelmed at the prospect of moving.

We definitely have mixed feelings about leaving this area, which we love, and going to a new area that we are not sure about. The new house would be much nicer than our current house and has great things like a new roof, which we are going to have to do here if we do not move. It is a really nice house in a really nice area. It;'s just not here--and here has many things we love. But it's a very nice area there.

I have very mixed feelings, I guess, and a lot of fear.

William, when I was last out there I went out and spent one night at my brothers house (he lives on an island.) When my son told my granddaughter that I would be leaving, she started sobbing, "I don't want you to leave, Grandmother."

The next day she told her mother, "I don't want people to come visit anymore because it hurts too much when they leave."

She was 2 and a half years old.

She is scary smart, smarter than either of her parents or me, and I think they need some help keeping up with her.

[JaneV2.0]

As usual, I advise going with your instincts. (Your son is all excited because he gets a [free?] babysitter? What fun for you.) Think long and hard about this; it's not too late to back out.

[sweetana3]

A wise woman would start now managing her son's verbalized expectations. Might be wise to say cannot do much babysitting for XX weeks till we get settled and the house set up as we have a lot to do in the new place. We are not moving to take over care of the babies but will be there to help out. (Talk with your spouse on all the possible scenarios.)

Do they want full time caregivers for free?
Are they hoping only for help when the kids are sick and cannot go to daycare?
Do they just want a date night?

Since he has verbalized this, it would be a good thing to talk about right now.

[catherine]

William, when I was last out there I went out and spent one night at my brothers house (he lives on an island.) When my son told my granddaughter that I would be leaving, she started sobbing, "I don't want you to leave, Grandmother."

The next day she told her mother, "I don't want people to come visit anymore because it hurts too much when they leave."
.

Thinking about all your concerns related to how your family is going to react--both good and bad--I'm reminded of one of my all-time favorite movie quotes--The movie was Marvin's Room and Diane Keaton was Bessie and Meryl Streep was Lee. It makes me cry every time.

Bessie: Oh, Lee, I've been so lucky. I've been so lucky to have Dad and Ruth. I've had such love in my life. You know, I look back, and I've had such... such love.

Lee: They love you very much.

Bessie: No, that's not what I mean. No, no... I mean that I love them. I've been so lucky to have been able to love someone so much.

I think your pain and anxiety is coming from the love you have for your family. So if you have to feel pain, maybe feel lucky that you are in a "tug of war" with all the people who want you in their lives, and all the lives that you want to wrap your love around.

[razz]

I think that your son is looking to provide his little ones with the love of grandparents and more family. He will also be able to help you when you need it but stating in terms of what he needs.
Be very logical with the house inspection to ensure that it is a sound investment.
Your fears are normal.
Think of the friends that you have not yet met waiting for you to arrive. Your grandchildren will get you involved in so many things that older adults without little ones don't get to see.
Once the little kids start school the childcare need decreases.

[dado potato]

DW and I have moved 2 times in order to be "close but not too close" to grandchildren. All but one grandchild has started school now. I look back on those moves with no regrets.

Any house will have problems, if it isn't mold or radon, it will be something else. Likewise a new community will have its grouches, and its barking dogs, as well as its happy handshakers. The "hardy" way to look at these problems is: they are challenges for you. It is "hardy" to look at the new house challenges in the context of your full life, as a person who has faced (and mastered) a number of challenges already. You know how the challenges of moving and settling in to a new home compare, in terms of hassles and scale of change, to the greatest challenges that you (and your spouse) have successfully coped with in your lives before this.

Panic is an understandable reaction to your feelings. I would suggest this may be an opportunity it increase your mutual empathy with your spouse, and also the son you will be moving closer to.

As the son's situation and needs change, you always will be able define your boundaries... in terms what requests you do not feel comfortable with.

The extended family is of vital importance. For example, reading to a small child is a fantastic "head-start" for the kid's language skills and thinking.

Even if in some ways it is a "bad situation", I wish you well.