Entering An Interesting Phase of A Relationship-Dealing With Impending Job Loss

[SiouzQ.]

Not me, but my boyfriend. He is going to be laid off from his IT job on January 15. He had an interview last Friday and found out today he did not get the position and I can tell it's really thrown him for a loop. He felt that he had done very well, studied up on a LOT of technical stuff; he looked great with a new suit-coat, tie, shoes and the works. He is a very affable guy who exhudes self-confidence but he just stopped by on the way home from work very sad with a hang-dog face, his confidence blown. I kind of thought all week he was putting too much stock into this first (of probably) many, interviews. I think he will be fighting the age-discrimination problem, as he is almost 59 years old.

Financially, his position scares me. He is a total spend-thrift, and I have benefited from his largess all year. He has no qualms about spending money and doesn't really save for a rainy day. Try as I might, a little of my frugality has rubbed off on him here and there, but he has a lifetime of terrible spending habits. He literally came from nothing and pretty much pulled himself up by the boot straps to get where he is today - he makes good money for New Mexico (around 60k), which is three times what I make but doesn't have much to show for it. Luckily he has very little debt, two paid-off cars but is just getting out from under a bankruptcy and foreclosure. He has about $40,000 in a cashed-in retirement fund which I fear he will blow through pretty fast if he doesn't get a job right away. Sure, he'll get unemployment but unless he reigns in the spending he is going to end up blowing through that emergency fund fast. He is also a Type 1 diabetic (among other ailments) and even with health insurance his medical needs are very, very expensive.

I am just trying to figure out how I can be supportive _ I already told him he is NOT buying my meals and drinks out anymore but he is the kind of guy that insists on paying for my stuff even when I give him money for my share. I think that is his part of feeling like a man taking care of his lady and unfortunately, after being so independent for so long, I have fallen into the trap of expecting his generosity cause on my own I would never be eating out this much and spending money on whatever.

It's hard for me to hold my tongue sometimes - I look to see where he could save money but not so sure if my advice will be taken offense to. If I were him, starting like a month ago when he found out about this layoff I would only eat out once per week, I'd cut the twice-monthly cleaning person out (he likes to help out the less fortunate in our tiny community by giving them little jobs), I'd cook all my own food (I do cook for him a lot in trade for being taken out to dinners). I'd get super-organized with shopping trips to Santa Fe for supplies to cut out unnecessary driving, I'd buy stuff in bulk at the big stores instead of running to the local (expensive) store for emergency provisions; I'd make frugality a game. He does NOT think like us though, so it will be interesting to see how he deals with it. He has been unemployed before though, so what do I know. I only know what I would do in this situation.

Right now he is at his house, allowing himself to feel sorry for himself (his words). I'm giving him his space tonight.

[Yppej]

When I was unemployed I didn't eat out at all, but normally I don't anyways. It's interesting how "only" eating out once a week is seen as a sacrifice. When I was a child our family went out to eat twice in 18 years. If he grew up this way I bet he can go back to that lifestyle if he has to.

He will have to rein in, not reign in, spending.

[sweetana3]

My husband would say he has had 59 years to acquire these habits and he is the only one who can create new ones. You can only not add to the his problems. Go on picnics, cook a meal for him, or do free things but other than that, he is going to have to figure out what to do.

I would look at his ability to handle money like an alcoholic's ability to handle alcohol.

[Tammy]

You can't do much. This is his problem and his solution to discover.

Do not rescue him!

[razz]

Wise words posted above. Remind him of his talents and what you value in his qualities, such as his intelligence, compassion, etc. We all have worth but often see it only in others and not ourselves.

[ApatheticNoMore]

In theory that money should last at least a year (more considering he is getting unemployment), but then before concluding that so fast I looked what TRULY expensive things like ACA premiums would cost at that age because things like that are what are really going to eat up money, ok around here at least $500 a month for bronze with it's 6k deductible, $650 for silver. I could easily see the unemployment insurance going mostly to that (and then to actual healthcare as the deductables are high) as unemployment isn't generous.

[SteveinMN]

I agree that, at 59, BF likely is set in his ways.

But, depending on the solidity of the relationship (casual, move-in partners, etc.) you might see if you could make getting through this a "you-and-me" experience -- almost an adventure. I'm reluctant to do the Pollyanna thing and call it an "opportunity" -- especially as ageist as the IT industry can be. But this is an unusual situation. And maybe that merits an unusual approach -- "just for a month or two, till you get that new job, let's eat out only once a week"; "Hey, since we're in/going to Santa Fe, let's stop and stock up on that <consumable item we use a lot of that costs far more in town>". See if you can get him to buy into frugality at least a little and at least for now. That may pave the way for later -- or for a much longer slog through unemployment.

[catherine]

That is a challenge. Your bf sounds like my dh. He used to act as if it were his mission in life to make sure everyone had a good time--at his expense. He would do outrageous things--such as, one time we were at a restaurant and there was a table of 8 celebrating a couple's golden anniversary. So he just had the bartender send over a bottle of champagne. They were total strangers! I was so mad, but that's what 40 years of marriage has been like. I have not been able to change him, although he has pretty much come to the conclusion on his own that those days are over, because he basically has no income except for social security and he knows darn well I'm not about to fund other people's entertainment.

I do think a lot of those attitudes come from early lack and a need to prove their worth to other people, and money, to people like that, buys love. I agree with others--don't enable him, but support any efforts to be frugal.

[JaneV2.0]

Is there any chance he might be interested in selling on eBay? Some people do very well there and on other sites. That way, he could be his own boss and work his own hours, and not depend on a fickle job market.

[Yppej]

Ebay wouldn't have health insurance.