Feeling Empty Nest Syndrome long after kids are out.

[pinkytoe]

One of the many reasons we moved far from our beloved hometown and sadly DD, was that we realized she had made her own life and we needed to devote more time to ours rather than expecting her to keep showing up. I think many adult, married kids gravitate towards one set of parents or the other. In our case, the in-laws had more to offer in terms of time and money so we always felt a bit left out. We imagined that when grandkids came along, we might also get the shorter end of the stick as the in-laws ruled the family roost. Now of course, we just learned we are to be grandparents and wondering what to do - move back and try to become more involved, etc. I am glad I did not have sons though as I think the mother-son relationship can be complicated. The DIL often has to live up to some high standards to please Mom who can be pretty judgmental where her son is concerned. I can only imagine what DH's parents thought of me way back when but here I am still at his side decades later.

[CathyA]

That's sad, frugal-one.

I think DS actually has more fun at our house......but I think he really does things so as not to upset his fiance'. I'm a very unsocial person, so I haven't really reached out to her much. Plus, she talks so quietly I can never hear what she's saying. We all choose significant others for various reasons. I guess at this point in the game, I just have to believe he loves her, hopefully for healthy reasons. Probably DS would see us more, if we always included her, so I guess some of the problem is with me. I don't think anyone can really tell at our family get-togethers that I am so uncomfortable socially, but it's just excrutiatingly hard for me to have people over. Her extended family is very large on both sides and they always have get-togethers. I have no family on my side, so to be fair, they invite DS to more things. He also started his own business last year and is extremely busy. And I'm sure he has hell to pay, when he tries not to always visit her family........so he goes.
I've had some health problems recently and I'll be 68 next month. Her parents are in their late 40s..........and I do worry about my time with him might be running out. But I'm sure he doesn't think of these things at his age....

[cindycindy]

Cathy, Your post could have been written by me 7 years ago. I don't get how someone (ie DIL) could be so unfair as to not give equal time to her significant other's family. It never would have occurred to me to not have a relationship with my inlaws. My MIL died this year, and I feel blessed knowing that I had a good relationship with her. Hopefully, your son will come to his senses. So far, our son hasn't. Unfortunately, this is a very common scenario. As it's a common scenario, there are some good supports out there. (wisewomanunite.com is one) I try to keep busy and count my blessings. Best of luck.

Edited to add: We have a daughter who has a wonderful, kind significant other. She leads an independent life and we have a great relationship where we put effort into and enjoy each others company. Having a independent life and a loving life with your family of origin are not mutually exclusive.

[iris lilies]

That's sad, frugal-one.

I think DS actually has more fun at our house......but I think he really does things so as not to upset his fiance'. I'm a very unsocial person, so I haven't really reached out to her much. Plus, she talks so quietly I can never hear what she's saying. We all choose significant others for various reasons. I guess at this point in the game, I just have to believe he loves her, hopefully for healthy reasons. Probably DS would see us more, if we always included her, so I guess some of the problem is with me. I don't think anyone can really tell at our family get-togethers that I am so uncomfortable socially, but it's just excrutiatingly hard for me to have people over. Her extended family is very large on both sides and they always have get-togethers. I have no family on my side, so to be fair, they invite DS to more things. He also started his own business last year and is extremely busy. And I'm sure he has hell to pay, when he tries not to always visit her family........so he goes.
I've had some health problems recently and I'll be 68 next month. Her parents are in their late 40s..........and I do worry about my time with him might be running out. But I'm sure he doesn't think of these things at his age....

what does the bolded above mean? That you dont invite her to your house? They are a couple, living together for four years, so surely you DO invite her. I just dont get your meaning here.

[iris lilies]

One of the many reasons we moved far from our beloved hometown and sadly DD, was that we realized she had made her own life and we needed to devote more time to ours rather than expecting her to keep showing up. I think many adult, married kids gravitate towards one set of parents or the other. In our case, the in-laws had more to offer in terms of time and money so we always felt a bit left out. We imagined that when grandkids came along, we might also get the shorter end of the stick as the in-laws ruled the family roost. Now of course, we just learned we are to be grandparents and wondering what to do - move back and try to become more involved, etc. I am glad I did not have sons though as I think the mother-son relationship can be complicated. The DIL often has to live up to some high standards to please Mom who can be pretty judgmental where her son is concerned. I can only imagine what DH's parents thought of me way back when but here I am still at his side decades later.

That is big news, congratulations! But surely you cant seriously be thinking of moving “back” since your daughter reproducing cant be a total surprise and something you didnt consider. .???

[razz]

Pinkytoe, may I suggest that you find ways to mentor little people in your new community? Investigate the opportunities available and see in 2018. You might be very surprised.

[dado potato]

Pinkytoe,

I think razz is on to something. People change and their needs change. Sometimes people change, so that what you have to give no longer is what they need. Or perhaps they have forgotten what they need from you, or what you have to give.

So, "pivot to Plan B". Do more of what you like, less of what you don't. If you would like being a mentor, there could be an opportunity in some setting in your community. You may be required to pass a background check, but there could be kids in some setting in your community. One place to connect with someone to mentor is via http://www.mentoring.org

[CathyA]

what does the bolded above mean? That you dont invite her to your house? They are a couple, living together for four years, so surely you DO invite her. I just dont get your meaning here.

I should have phrased that differently. What I meant is that I should invite both of them more often. Many times, DH and I are overwhelmed by the work involved outside the house and inside, plus the fact that I'm not a social person and we end not not inviting either of them very often. But in my defense.......DS's time is also so packed full with work that it's hard for any of us to make plans. I'm always very nice to DS's fiance' when we're together. But, being the needy, dependent person she is, she always needs a lot of reinforcement that she is cared for and not left out (even if it's not what's happening). It's all very complicated. I will try harder to be a different person, but it's a challenge. We always want our children to be fulfilled and happy. I need to accept that DS's needs appear to be different from what I think would be more healthy needs for him to have. Then again, I also need to appreciate the dynamics between the two of them and maybe they fill needs in each other......whether they be totally healthy or not. Many relationships are like that.

[Tybee]

I should have phrased that differently. What I meant is that I should invite both of them more often. Many times, DH and I are overwhelmed by the work involved outside the house and inside, plus the fact that I'm not a social person and we end not not inviting either of them very often. But in my defense.......DS's time is also so packed full with work that it's hard for any of us to make plans. I'm always very nice to DS's fiance' when we're together. But, being the needy, dependent person she is, she always needs a lot of reinforcement that she is cared for and not left out (even if it's not what's happening). It's all very complicated. I will try harder to be a different person, but it's a challenge. We always want our children to be fulfilled and happy. I need to accept that DS's needs appear to be different from what I think would be more healthy needs for him to have. Then again, I also need to appreciate the dynamics between the two of them and maybe they fill needs in each other......whether they be totally healthy or not. Many relationships are like that.

cathy, grab a copy of Joshua Colman's When Parents Hurt. It is a wonderful book which I purchased at a time when I was feeling exactly the way you are feeling (I think!) It helped me a lot, and I should reread parts of it to keep me in a good place this holiday season.

[CathyA]

pinkytoe........I think you should just stay put for awhile. Just see how things go. I'd hate for you to move back and nothing changes. Just be there for her by phone/text/Skype, etc. Offer to help right after the child is born.
Life is a constant challenge. We can do as much as we can and it still might not be enough or be the "right" thing to do. We can only try to be fair and continue to let our children know that we love them and want their happiness too.