Page 17 of 17 FirstFirst ... 7151617
Results 161 to 165 of 165

Thread: Practical strategies to cope with being alone?

  1. #161
    Senior Member SteveinMN's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Location
    Saint Paul, Minnesota
    Posts
    4,329
    Quote Originally Posted by JaneV2.0 View Post
    Originally Posted by Tammy
    Actually not all allergies can be managed. It would actually kill me to live in a house with a cat. The potential partner would have to choose between me and their cat.
    I would think you would convey that up front, to save any misunderstanding. Just like the men I encountered who had children. Saved me getting involved.
    Deal-breakers (severe allergies, gender/sexual orientation, substance usage/abuse, children, etc.) need to be addressed as soon as the need becomes evident.

    Quote Originally Posted by Alan
    You value an ideology more than a potential life partner.

    You will be lonely until you bring balance into your life.
    This pretty well sums it up for me. We all have to put (relative) values on what's around us.

    One of my dealbreakers was "no smokers". I'm sure there were women out there with whom I could have had an amazing relationship -- but they smoke. I cannot abide it. Can't even stand to walk by people who are smoking or whose clothes (and house and car...) smell of it. Yeah, I'm valuing the concept of being smoke-free more than the individual. The discussion of the health aspects of it are incidental. It's my choice.

    Fortunately, for me, that restriction did not cause the universe of potential partners to approach zero. If it did, I might choose to re-evaluate how much I needed a partner over how much I needed a smoke-free life. (Interestingly, DW is an ex-smoker. So is another woman I was serious enough to marry. Both quit long before we got together, leading to interesting thoughts about how neither one of us would have progressed far as romantic partners earlier in our lives.) Sometimes, as in Tammy's situation, the dealbreaker is not a choice. For me -- and for UL -- it is.
    If Americans expended even a fraction of the energy on civic engagement that we spend on consumer ideology, our democracy would be much healthier. Can you imagine people camping out to vote? -- Charles Roberts, Amherst, Mass., Nov. 25, 2006

  2. #162
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Phoenix
    Posts
    1,528
    Of course! As soon as I was invited to someone's home they would find out that I couldn't enter the front door because of their pets. And then we would proceed from there with decision points along the way. It's not that complicated.

  3. #163
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Phoenix
    Posts
    1,528
    It's the same thing with my current friendships. Those that choose to continue to be my friend agreed to either come to my house or meet in a public location.

  4. #164
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    4,725
    It just hits home that it is hard to plan out choosing relationships, as much as we want some certainty or ability to control or influence our relationships. There is a lot of vulnerability in knowing that you are not physically able to accomodate everyone (as in the case of allergies or smoking), and then realizing that other people are going to work with you or not. Some people will literally not budge regardless, and that stops things short. Other people will accommodate because the value of the relationship is so much higher than the value of having to meet in their own home or smoke.

    I heard through the family grapevine the things I am not supposed to know, or at least my mom is not going out of her way to tell me. My uncle deals with alcoholism and now is in his early 70's and retired. So he is dealing with a lot of aloneness. He was a professional, always employed, owns his home, cares for his adult daughter with Down Syndrome when she is not with mom. My aunt told me that the DR's were clear, he cannot be alone and stay sober. This is not a rehab situation just a reality. So he lives with my aunt most of the time, but they went on a trip so he stayed with my parents. And he brought the dog. This is earth shattering people! My mom let the dog in (there are no allergies). I think he stayed for a week. Literally the guy just needs to be with people, he is nice, he is responsible, he has his own money, he smokes outdoors only, if you met him he would be very normal, yet it has taken the family facing that he simply needs people to let the dog in the door. My mom of course did not tell me because I am on the side of accommodating more, people matter after all and that takes some flexibility. I have a had a lot of years with my mom, her insistence that people can't live without peanut butter so she always bought it for me, and my daughter has an epi-pen for a peanut allergy. Really peanut butter is not a requirement for life. So I am glad she had my uncle over to stay, and I am glad that she accepted that having his dog and people are essential for his mental health, and I understand she is not going to tell me about it.

  5. #165
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Posts
    58
    I've been alone since my husband passed in 06.
    What you mentioned always frightens me,I wonder what the outcome would be.If you find any solutions I'd appreciate hearing them.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •