Practical strategies to cope with being alone?

[SteveinMN]

Originally Posted by Tammy
Actually not all allergies can be managed. It would actually kill me to live in a house with a cat. The potential partner would have to choose between me and their cat.

I would think you would convey that up front, to save any misunderstanding. Just like the men I encountered who had children. Saved me getting involved.

Deal-breakers (severe allergies, gender/sexual orientation, substance usage/abuse, children, etc.) need to be addressed as soon as the need becomes evident.

You value an ideology more than a potential life partner.

You will be lonely until you bring balance into your life.

This pretty well sums it up for me. We all have to put (relative) values on what's around us.

One of my dealbreakers was "no smokers". I'm sure there were women out there with whom I could have had an amazing relationship -- but they smoke. I cannot abide it. Can't even stand to walk by people who are smoking or whose clothes (and house and car...) smell of it. Yeah, I'm valuing the concept of being smoke-free more than the individual. The discussion of the health aspects of it are incidental. It's my choice.

Fortunately, for me, that restriction did not cause the universe of potential partners to approach zero. If it did, I might choose to re-evaluate how much I needed a partner over how much I needed a smoke-free life. (Interestingly, DW is an ex-smoker. So is another woman I was serious enough to marry. Both quit long before we got together, leading to interesting thoughts about how neither one of us would have progressed far as romantic partners earlier in our lives.) Sometimes, as in Tammy's situation, the dealbreaker is not a choice. For me -- and for UL -- it is.

[Tammy]

Of course! As soon as I was invited to someone's home they would find out that I couldn't enter the front door because of their pets. And then we would proceed from there with decision points along the way. It's not that complicated.

[Tammy]

It's the same thing with my current friendships. Those that choose to continue to be my friend agreed to either come to my house or meet in a public location.

[Zoe Girl]

It just hits home that it is hard to plan out choosing relationships, as much as we want some certainty or ability to control or influence our relationships. There is a lot of vulnerability in knowing that you are not physically able to accomodate everyone (as in the case of allergies or smoking), and then realizing that other people are going to work with you or not. Some people will literally not budge regardless, and that stops things short. Other people will accommodate because the value of the relationship is so much higher than the value of having to meet in their own home or smoke.

I heard through the family grapevine the things I am not supposed to know, or at least my mom is not going out of her way to tell me. My uncle deals with alcoholism and now is in his early 70's and retired. So he is dealing with a lot of aloneness. He was a professional, always employed, owns his home, cares for his adult daughter with Down Syndrome when she is not with mom. My aunt told me that the DR's were clear, he cannot be alone and stay sober. This is not a rehab situation just a reality. So he lives with my aunt most of the time, but they went on a trip so he stayed with my parents. And he brought the dog. This is earth shattering people! My mom let the dog in (there are no allergies). I think he stayed for a week. Literally the guy just needs to be with people, he is nice, he is responsible, he has his own money, he smokes outdoors only, if you met him he would be very normal, yet it has taken the family facing that he simply needs people to let the dog in the door. My mom of course did not tell me because I am on the side of accommodating more, people matter after all and that takes some flexibility. I have a had a lot of years with my mom, her insistence that people can't live without peanut butter so she always bought it for me, and my daughter has an epi-pen for a peanut allergy. Really peanut butter is not a requirement for life. So I am glad she had my uncle over to stay, and I am glad that she accepted that having his dog and people are essential for his mental health, and I understand she is not going to tell me about it.

[gmpg54]

I've been alone since my husband passed in 06.
What you mentioned always frightens me,I wonder what the outcome would be.If you find any solutions I'd appreciate hearing them.

[profnot]

Friends have told me for a few years now to move to the PNW. And I am considering it... But it would be a real endeavor.

Don't move to the PNW!

The Seattle Freeze applies to all of western Washington. Here's what wikipedia says:
Newcomers to the area have described Seattleites as being standoffish, cold, distant, and not trusting,^[3] while in settings such as bars and parties, people from Seattle tend to mainly interact with their particular clique.^[4]One author described the aversion to strangers as: "people are very polite but not particularly friendly."^[5] In 2008 a peer-reviewed study published in Perspectives on Psychological Science found that among all states, Washington residents ranked 48th in the personality trait extroverted.^[6]

Yes, WA people are very introverted. It is very hard to make friends in the PNW, especially if you are new to the area. My friend in OR tells me it is the same there.

[ApatheticNoMore]

Well the insular may not be so good, but very introverted seems like a MAJOR PLUS in my book. Not having to pretend to be an extrovert because the culture actually groks introverts, but just being able to be an introvert around introverts, sounds very good to me.

[JaneV2.0]

Well the insular may not be so good, but very introverted seems like a MAJOR PLUS in my book. Not having to pretend to be an extrovert because the culture actually groks introverts, but just being able to be an introvert around introverts, sounds very good to me.

I've never lived anywhere but the PNW, but I'm very comfortable here, for that reason and others. Perhaps you and the SO could look for jobs here? Companies are hiring...

[profnot]

Here are some of the ideas I have considered:
-Table top gaming (Settlers of Catan, Railroad Tycoon, etc.)
-Dog rescue volunteering
-Community gardening (I already did this with no success, so I remain a little dubious)
-Rock climbing (they are building a rock wall a couple blocks from my apartment building
-Book club (find one or even start one)
-Movie club (this could be an atheist thing as I strongly suspect matinee and dinner outings would be popular).
-Yoga
-Tai Chi

I suggest you create some profiles of women you would be interested in.
Age, geographic area, likes, dislikes, interests, values, children, etc - as complete a picture as possible.

Then make a list of what these women do outside work. Hobbies, volunteer contributions, etc - anything which tells you where women you are interested in hang out.

Then go to where they hang out. Prioritize the venues / events with more women than men, such as yoga. (Delete rock climbing and gaming from your list.)

To learn where women you like hang out, ask, ask, ask. Ask your female co-workers, ask the mothers and aunts of these women, ask sisters, ask them to ask other women, etc. Ask women.

I give speeches on how to attract new volunteers to non-profit groups. I've been using these recruiting techniques with great success for many years.

Find out where the people you want are - then go there.

When you talk to women, discuss their interests, not yours. The conversations are not about you. Listen to them. You will soon learn if you are interested.

Women love it when men listen.

Good luck!

[Tybee]

This is such great advice, profnot. If I were suddenly single and wanted another guy, I would immediately get another horse and start riding Western and hang around the quarterhorse set. Or the draft horse set--because I like these things, and I like the guys who like these things. I met my husband through mutual interests of music. I got lucky because he also likes draft horses as much as I do.
But mutual interests are the way to go.