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Thread: Practical strategies to cope with being alone?

  1. #211
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ultralight View Post
    I don't have disdain for kids. I am not parental, that is all.

    And just because a woman does not want more kids because she realizes how much work it is does not mean that she does not love her kid and care for it properly.

    For instance, after Harlan goes off to college it is very likely I won't adopt another dog -- at least for several years. Why? It is a lot of work, responsibility, and obligation.

    But every day I have with Harlan I appreciate. He is a great dog and in many ways my life revolves around him in joyful ways -- taking him on walks, having him run zoomies, etc.

    I actually don't think you have to buy into the family 100%. I know a few single moms who keep their mom life and their romantic life totally separate. They plan to launch their kids and then invest in a relationship (move in, marriage, etc.) Every woman is different. Not all expect a boyfriend to play house.
    Sorry if I offended. Maybe my points came across harsh.

    --Maybe "disdain" was not the right word. But you have been so "anti-kids" in these posts, I just wondered if the "anti-" is against kids, or against the thought of being responsible for one.

    --I like your analogy with Harlan. I feel the same about Nessie.

    --One interesting thing is how you used an impersonal pronoun to describe the kid ("it")

    --Maybe not 100%, but I really think you have to "pressure-test" (a business term I was exposed to way too frequently this week) a relationship with mom + child. But again, I do think you, personally, could ace that--as long as you are sincerely interested in the kid. It is very difficult for a kid to accept "an intruder" into the family--no matter how old they are. They don't go off to college and never look back at their previous family experience--the one "you" are usurping. In terms of the mom waiting until the kid is 18, yeah, that takes pressure off, but keep in mind the quote "blood is thicker than water."

    After all that, by all means go out and have a drink with Single Mom!!
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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  2. #212
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by catherine View Post
    Sorry if I offended. Maybe my points came across harsh.

    --Maybe "disdain" was not the right word. But you have been so "anti-kids" in these posts, I just wondered if the "anti-" is against kids, or against the thought of being responsible for one.

    --I like your analogy with Harlan. I feel the same about Nessie.

    --One interesting thing is how you used an impersonal pronoun to describe the kid ("it")

    --Maybe not 100%, but I really think you have to "pressure-test" (a business term I was exposed to way too frequently this week) a relationship with mom + child. But again, I do think you, personally, could ace that--as long as you are sincerely interested in the kid. It is very difficult for a kid to accept "an intruder" into the family--no matter how old they are. They don't go off to college and never look back at their previous family experience--the one "you" are usurping. In terms of the mom waiting until the kid is 18, yeah, that takes pressure off, but keep in mind the quote "blood is thicker than water."

    After all that, by all means go out and have a drink with Single Mom!!
    Yeah, you are probably right in the sense that me dating a woman with a kid will go nowhere.

    I will still have the drink with her. No harm in that. But I won't flirt or act romantic in any way with this woman.

  3. #213
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ultralight View Post
    Yeah, you are probably right in the sense that me dating a woman with a kid will go nowhere.

    I will still have the drink with her. No harm in that. But I won't flirt or act romantic in any way with this woman.
    I think I went overboard in the caution department... I don't feel you should curtail interest in single mothers--as I said, I had a stepfather who was awesome and he virtually saved my life in some ways. I was just pointing out the fact that even if children are relatively independent, they are still very much present in the relationship and probably always will be.

    I would still keep an open mind.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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  4. #214
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by catherine View Post
    I think I went overboard in the caution department... I don't feel you should curtail interest in single mothers--as I said, I had a stepfather who was awesome and he virtually saved my life in some ways. I was just pointing out the fact that even if children are relatively independent, they are still very much present in the relationship and probably always will be.

    I would still keep an open mind.
    Well, I have a friend who does not want kids and is not parental.

    He is dating a woman with a teenage daughter. He told the woman that he has "no interest in playing house or being a step-dad."

    She honors this and has made no expectations of him in the roughly 12 months they have been dating.

    There has been a variety of reactions to their arrangement. Women often say things like:
    "He needs to step up and be a real man and help take care of her daughter!"
    "She could do so much better! He doesn't even help take care of her daughter!"

  5. #215
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    This one is a real gem (though not all that uncommon).

    "I am tired of doing for everyone else all the time and settling. I want an attractive, hard working, loving, kind, considerate, selfless man!
    Apparently I need to be more specific about what I'm looking for:
    ATTRACTIVE is above, so please don't waste my time otherwise. I'm not trying to be a snob, but I'm really busy and just don't have time for overweight, old, unattractive guys.
    That being said, I don't care about age as long as you're decent looking. I'm not expecting Brad Pitt, but would like to have at least an average looking man!"

  6. #216
    Senior Member herbgeek's Avatar
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    This one is a real gem (though not all that uncommon).
    How is this significantly different from what you've posted YOU want?

  7. #217
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by herbgeek View Post
    How is this significantly different from what you've posted YOU want?
    "I am an avid reader, fisherman, and rescue dog enthusiast. I live simply and enjoy minimalism.


    I have gotten into traveling recently -- just a backpack and a plane ticket is my style. In the past couple years I have gone to Israel, Cuba, Jordan, Argentina, and Uruguay. I have also been to England, Spain, Costa Rica, Canada, Aruba, and Portugal. My next trip is either Iceland or Panama!


    I love all kinds of music -- yacht rock, disco, funk, folk, outlaw country, and so on.


    I am looking for a serious relationship that will lead to a life partnership. What I value most in a significant other are empathy, a sense of humor, shared values, and a mutual physical attraction.


    Talk to me about travel, your dog, or any book you're reading."

  8. #218
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ultralight View Post

    "I am tired of doing for everyone else all the time and settling. I want an attractive, hard working, loving, kind, considerate, selfless man!
    Apparently I need to be more specific about what I'm looking for:
    ATTRACTIVE is above, so please don't waste my time otherwise. I'm not trying to be a snob, but I'm really busy and just don't have time for overweight, old, unattractive guys.
    That being said, I don't care about age as long as you're decent looking. I'm not expecting Brad Pitt, but would like to have at least an average looking man!"

    Let's rewrite this and switch the genders around to see how it sounds. lol

    "I am tired of taking care of my own business. I don't want to settle. I want an attractive, hard working, loving, kind, considerate, selfless woman!
    Apparently I need to be more specific about what I'm looking for:
    SEX & HOT is above, so please don't waste my time if you are not sexy & hot. I'm not trying to be a jerk, but I'm really busy and just don't have time for overweight, old, unattractive women.
    That being said, I don't care that much about age as long as you're an okay-looking woman. I'm not expecting Scarlet Johansson, but would like to have at least an average looking woman!"

    Wouldn't a guy who said this be considered a complete and total a-hole? lol

  9. #219
    Senior Member herbgeek's Avatar
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    I'm talking about what you've said you want, not what you publicly post on your dating profile. You've been pretty clear that you will not date a fat woman. You've mentioned a preference for black women. You have very specific preferences on habits and interests. How is that different from someone indicating their preferences on appearances?

  10. #220
    Senior Member SteveinMN's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ultralight View Post
    Wouldn't a guy who said this be considered a complete and total a-hole? lol
    The "a-hole quotient" is measurable in both genders.

    The profile you quoted is similar to ones which warned me (when I was reading on-line dating profiles) to think at least twice before initiating contact with the writer. I didn't want to play the game of "do I qualify based on criteria which are totally subjective? How old is "old" and what constitutes "unattractive"?". This person obviously has not had her expectations met in the past so she has become pretty blunt about getting what she wants. I know people on dating sites are "aspirational" but how does one know if one is "too" unattractive? Time magazine? Hot or Not? Committee of one? But, as mentioned, that train runs in both directions.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ultralight
    Women often say things like:
    "He needs to step up and be a real man and help take care of her daughter!"
    "She could do so much better! He doesn't even help take care of her daughter!"
    It was clear to me when I was dating women with kids was that (in almost all cases) the kids already had fathers. Especially with the teenagers, who were largely independent (didn't need help eating or getting dressed or doing homework), I would be another adult in their lives but not their dad, with his input on education, financial participation, etc. Not that I couldn't model successful adult behavior or help out or take an interest in their lives, but my position would be different and it would be up to the child to decide how much of a role I played in their life.

    If this friend has been okay with this situation for a year of dating, it's no one else's business how much of a "dad" role the guy takes or wants. They end up dating him; they can establish the rules.
    Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. - Booker T. Washington

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