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Thread: Practical strategies to cope with being alone?

  1. #71
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    Maybe the Yanomami.

  2. #72
    Senior Member Gardenarian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ultralight View Post
    INFJ.

    Yours?
    INTJ.
    I can relate to a lot of what you are saying.
    A lot.
    My marriage is not ideal but dh is my only really close friend. It's just that he's a person, and people are difficult. If we hadn't married when we did (around 30 years of age) I would likely be very much on my own.

    I have generally preferred dogs to people, but they're not much good at the Heimlich.

    Imagining if I were single...I'd keep up a more active relationship with my sister. I might even go so far as to arrange a time to check in everyday (via text.) I'm 60, and female, so might have more health and safety concerns than you.

    Being secure financially - it's hard for me to imagine being single and being dependent on a job again. Yuck! I think my primary goal would be to own my own home, and then to shoot for FI.

    I would do whatever I could to maximize my health. I don't have anxiety or depression (much) but do have other health issues. Even with a partner, I belong to a gym (with all activities I get 2-3 hours of exercise a day) and try to eat well (a moving target nowadays.) I NEED this much exercise to keep on an even keel physically and psychologically.

    One activity I really enjoy is dance. I'm able to be with people doing something that brings me joy, but I don't actually have to talk to anybody. So I'd probably do more dance - and yoga, too.

    I haven't had great success with volunteering. The organizations are usually so inefficient that it drives me nuts, and I'm not much of a team player. I did enjoy volunteering at the local library but I was just on the Welcome Desk on my own. When the library offered me a part-time job, I knew I would get on fine with everyone. Very low key.

    I work mainly to get to know more faces in the community, and frankly, as a reference librarian, I get to be in charge of the conversation. Doesn't make me sound very nice...people can irritate the heck out of me, so I guess I'm better in this structured setting. If I were single, I would probably work more, and having a really GREAT job fit would be a necessity.

    I love love love where I live, and I would say my environment is at least 50% of my happiness - maybe 75%. Here, I feel like a naturally cheerful person. (Part of that might be getting older.)

    And, thank goodness for books.

  3. #73
    Senior Member Gardenarian's Avatar
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    Ooh, just read what you wrote about moving to the PNW. Moving to Oregon was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Beautiful - biking, hiking, swimming, skiing, world class cultural events...wish I'd moved here from the start.

  4. #74
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ultralight View Post
    Did I miss something?
    You saw the antecedent of "her" as your pink-haired angel, but Jane is referring to Dolezal and her autobiography.

  5. #75
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yppej View Post
    Is this your idea, or did your therapist espouse it?
    My idea. I told my therapist I did not want to take any drugs. I told her the reason. She respected this and suggested non-drug methods to deal with depression and anxiety, among them: problem-focusing coping (where you identify a problem and solve it), meditation, nature walks, eating more healthy foods, avenues to be more social in the hopes of making better friends, and some CBT stuff.
    I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand." -- Rodney Dangerfield

  6. #76
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gardenarian View Post
    INTJ.
    I can relate to a lot of what you are saying.
    A lot.
    My marriage is not ideal but dh is my only really close friend. It's just that he's a person, and people are difficult. If we hadn't married when we did (around 30 years of age) I would likely be very much on my own.

    I have generally preferred dogs to people, but they're not much good at the Heimlich.

    Imagining if I were single...I'd keep up a more active relationship with my sister. I might even go so far as to arrange a time to check in everyday (via text.) I'm 60, and female, so might have more health and safety concerns than you.

    Being secure financially - it's hard for me to imagine being single and being dependent on a job again. Yuck! I think my primary goal would be to own my own home, and then to shoot for FI.

    I would do whatever I could to maximize my health. I don't have anxiety or depression (much) but do have other health issues. Even with a partner, I belong to a gym (with all activities I get 2-3 hours of exercise a day) and try to eat well (a moving target nowadays.) I NEED this much exercise to keep on an even keel physically and psychologically.

    One activity I really enjoy is dance. I'm able to be with people doing something that brings me joy, but I don't actually have to talk to anybody. So I'd probably do more dance - and yoga, too.

    I haven't had great success with volunteering. The organizations are usually so inefficient that it drives me nuts, and I'm not much of a team player. I did enjoy volunteering at the local library but I was just on the Welcome Desk on my own. When the library offered me a part-time job, I knew I would get on fine with everyone. Very low key.

    I work mainly to get to know more faces in the community, and frankly, as a reference librarian, I get to be in charge of the conversation. Doesn't make me sound very nice...people can irritate the heck out of me, so I guess I'm better in this structured setting. If I were single, I would probably work more, and having a really GREAT job fit would be a necessity.

    I love love love where I live, and I would say my environment is at least 50% of my happiness - maybe 75%. Here, I feel like a naturally cheerful person. (Part of that might be getting older.)

    And, thank goodness for books.

    Okay, I think you might really get me on a lot of this.

    I prefer dogs too, often.

    When I get sick (which unfortunately happens sometimes) I will email my sister and tell her. Then I will check in each day. I say: "If you don't hear from me for 24 hours, call the coroner to remove the body and come over and get Harlan." haha
    Gallows humor, I suppose. But there is a sliver of seriousness to it.

    Financial security. Yes, I know. I am way behind. Though in some contexts I continue to make progress.

    As for maximizing my health, I agree this is a top priority. It really should be THE priority. My intention is to rage against my unhealthy habits. I fight them, I really do. Sometimes I win battles, sometimes I lose. But I need to win more.

    That is great that you have dance! It sounds like a hobby that fits you well.
    I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand." -- Rodney Dangerfield

  7. #77
    Senior Member JaneV2.0's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yppej View Post
    Maybe the Yanomami.
    Hahaha!

  8. #78
    Senior Member JaneV2.0's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by iris lilies View Post
    How can there possibly be any woman in the world who has no preconceived notion of U.S. life?
    I suppose there's that.

  9. #79
    Senior Member SteveinMN's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ultralight View Post
    I told my therapist I did not want to take any drugs. I told her the reason. She respected this and suggested non-drug methods to deal with depression and anxiety, among them: problem-focusing coping (where you identify a problem and solve it), meditation, nature walks, eating more healthy foods, avenues to be more social in the hopes of making better friends, and some CBT stuff.
    Four years of therapy and I don't know how long since it ended (if, in fact, it has).

    To quote a famous therapist on TV, "How's that workin' for ya?" Seriously, are you seeing progress -- commensurate with your investment in time and energy -- in addressing your anxiety and depression?
    If Americans expended even a fraction of the energy on civic engagement that we spend on consumer ideology, our democracy would be much healthier. Can you imagine people camping out to vote? -- Charles Roberts, Amherst, Mass., Nov. 25, 2006

  10. #80
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    therapy very seldom works on the real causes of one's problems:

    1) circumstances. If these can't be changed or one has absolutely ruled out changing them therapy is useless here. If they can be changed and there is some desire to change them therapy is actually BEYOND useless as it tends to not want to focus on changing actual circumstances of one's life but only changing one's thoughts toward one's circumstances.
    2) actions, therapy might give some encouragement to changing actions. Changing actions might be enough for simple phobias, complex phobias are more difficult. Changing actions can be a useful approach but noone needs therapy for that really. Might be helpful if one literally has no other emotional support in life.
    3) temperament, therapy isn't going to change one's basic temperament very much. Meds might some for some people.
    4) human condition: therapy isn't going to help with the human condition - death of loved one's, fear of one's own death etc.. It's probably less useful for this than all the various thought systems one can study that over time have addressed them, as therapy can twist natural things like grief over death of loved ones etc. into weird things they aren't if it tries too hard to "analyze" them.
    If you want something to get done, ask a busy person. If you want them to have a nervous breakdown that is.

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