Practical strategies to cope with being alone?

[JaneV2.0]

Unless someone is glued to your side 24/7 you could still choke on something and die. Is the other person never supposed to go to work, or the corner store, or anywhere else without you?

Once you hit a certain age (60 in my state) you can move into an elderly housing complex with some support services.

My godfather died just this way; my SO's brother also died a preventable death. In both cases, their housemate was not home. I think of this occasionally (more so than I used to ) and keep my cell close at hand.

[ApatheticNoMore]

Yea have a cell phone on you and you can call 911, doesn't even have to be a smart phone for that. I often don't have an active cell (forget to pay the prepaid bill etc.) on me, so I don't really do this myself, but if you are worried it makes sense.

Most women will outlive their male partners (exacerbated if they marry older, but even if they don't women statistically live longer, there are of course many exceptions as well where the woman dies sooner, but statistically). So I think a lot of women know they will be facing life alone at some point.

I think you are as well positioned to do well financially as just about anyone is, yes there is a greater financial risk in being single, but I don't' think it really applies to you. I know Suzie Orman has written on taking care of oneself financially as a woman (which is much higher risk or poverty statistically than being a single man), so it is a plenty relevant topic for single women, but maybe some of it would apply to single men as well - haven't read it). But I think you personally are about as stable as anyone could be financially (I realize the wind is not at the middle classes back in general these days but given that ..). Stable government job, that will pay off loans as long as you can keep the job (sure there is some risk of this not working out, having to take a private sector job, and being stuck with loans), if you plan to stay where you are then likely ability to buy property where you live as it's not some ridiculous coastal bubble (ability to retire in Eucador or something if you DON'T plan to stay where you are), don't know if you have a pension but if so congrats as noone does these days, ability to save long term for retirement in retirement vehicles. I mean really short of actually being rich, that's as much security as anyone can achieve these days, married or single. There can be some short term economic security in being partnered (like it would prevent homelessness if one couldn't find work if that was a fear maybe - so maybe for the most extreme destitution - but I don't think it really goes much further than that, as economic insecurity is widespread these days - both of you might be fairly economically insecure and in fact with a government job you are likely to be the more economically secure partner in the relationship).

Socially whether or not having lots of non-partnership relationships suffices really depends on one's personality. For some people it works well, for others it doesn't work particularly well (but for everyone is better than total isolation if they don't have a partner).

[Simplemind]

When you are alone there is always the good old Heimlich maneuver using the back of a chair. I know that I will want/need connection if my husband goes before me. I will want co-housing or intentional community.

[ToomuchStuff]

As simplemind said, there is the self Heimlich maneuver.
The word cope, makes me wonder about your emotional status. As for the financial aspect, the first and most important step, is to get/be/stay out of debt. However you have argued against that and have done the same thing expecting a different result (more schooling). That in itself is a lot of baggage.
The closest I came to being married, was proposing to a gal who responded with she wanted to be a kept woman. She knows some of my friends/connections and thought I would be a stepping stone up. I have had several married friends say they were jealous of my being single, and single friends who said they were jealous of those that were married. You need to get happy and comfortable with yourself first. Stop trying to change others to fix you.

Not sure what logistical issues your dealing with as a minimalist, as you generally shouldn't be needing help moving furniture or building things. (especially as a renter)
You might need a chair, or counter for the Heimlich though.
I've had to get used to doing a lot (most things) myself. With older friends growing up, so much was at different stages. While I was the second one to buy a home, most of my friends were renting, getting married, and having kids. One day, I may again have a couch, but I will have to design it, as I have to be able to move it myself. Now so many friends are in different states, others travel, and most of those locally, are older and with their own medical issues, most of the help I obtain is by those in their 70's.

Welcome to life.

[dado potato]

I agree with Simplemind on the possibilities of intergenerational connected living in intentional communities and co-housing. If I were single again, I would scout out two developments in Colorado.
Nyland CoHousing, Lafayette (6 miles east of Boulder) 42 units.
Hartwood CoHousing, (3 miles NW of Bayfield) 24 units.

In the mean time I intend to keep working on Non-Violent Communicaton (NVC). NVC is beneficial whether I am first or second to pass. In adapting to Co-housing after owning a single-family home, NVC skills would be useful (for anybody, but especially for a person of riper years, who has a tendency to make friends more slowly than when a young fellow).

[Lainey]

UL,
have you considered becoming a Big Brother? I think you have a lot of empathy and knowledge that a boy would really benefit from, aside from them enjoying the company of an older male they could be pals with. And watching them blossom under your guidance could be very life-affirming.

[Ultralight]

Unless someone is glued to your side 24/7 you could still choke on something and die. Is the other person never supposed to go to work, or the corner store, or anywhere else without you?

Think about the odds here. Okay, sure. 24/7 is not realistic. Heck, I probably would not want that. I like solitude sometimes (markedly more than most people).

But let's say it is 8/7. This reduces my odds of being alone when I choke on my salmon fillet.

Also: I like be there for someone else too. It feels good to help someone else feel and be more secure.

[Ultralight]

If i remember correctly, this won't work for you. But I believe I am never alone. I believe God wants the same thing with us that he wanted with Adam and Eve. To walk with us in the garden. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." I also have a church family that will be there if at some point my family isn't.

The God option is not on the table. My brain just does not work that way. But thank you, I know your suggestion comes from a good place and I appreciate that.

[Ultralight]

Loneness and solitude are different. Choking is a real wakeup call that I have faced as is tripping down my stairs. It seems to come down to facing one's fears and organizing solutions. A friend, counsellor at a shelter, once advised that she would rathe be alone than in a bad relationship.

What do I do? Senior groups are so depressing at times that I avoid them.

I live in a neighbourhood that includes all generations and greet them every day as I walk my dog. I see life expressed in so many ways. I get greetings waved from cars and doorways as I walk by. I know that each person I greet with warmth, I am giving her/him the gift of worth and validation that I am needing.

I am responsible for my mental health so - need to be outdoors daily, talk to someone every day, join a creative group, maintain my home in a desirable condition, plan my day or week, schedule time daily for metaphysical meditation and always watch my thinking. If the dark seems to be knocking at my mental door, I consciously count my blessings and things for which I am grateful and dismiss the invader. 'Pity parties' do try to invade periodically but I am getting much better at detecting and rejecting them.

Probably the most challenging is finding and acknowledging one's own worth and value. i realized fairly recently that another person never could do this for me. It is my responsibility, always has been. My response is that life is a precious gift - am I sharing my gift or hoarding it?

Very interesting thoughts here. Much to consider...

[Ultralight]

Steve: Thank you for the thoughtful responses and for sharing your experiences. Let me ask some follow-ups...

When my first wife and I divorced, one idea I had to be okay with was the possibility that I would never again be married or in a committed long-term relationship. That didn't preclude any relationship and there was no guarantee that a LTR would end up being that long-term. But I had to be okay with that.

How did you reach this state of mind?

I was. So, too (unbeknownst to me) was my current wife. She divorced her first husband when their kid was two and set in for almost two decades of single-parenthood. She dated here and there but no relationship lasted longer than 6-7 months until I appeared. My longest relationship before DW was three years.

Can you tell me how you all met and how courtship went in the beginning?

Both of us kept busy with life. We both had careers which engaged us -- and sometimes demanded quite a lot of us. We both had friends and family with whom we could share dinners and holidays and movies and who could help out if we needed to move furniture or we needed a ride home from the repair shop. We reciprocated for those friends, too. Both of us volunteered about 8-10 hours a month, which exposed us to new people and experiences. We had other hobbies, too -- reading, antiquing, travel -- on which we spent what time we had left. We married not because we wanted someone around but because even the good lives we had were better with each other in it. Neither one of us ever regrets it.

I have hobbies -- fishing in the spring (though not as much as I used to), plenty of reading, watching foreign films, trying new ethnic restaurants, more reading, etc.

My family consists mostly of my sister and BIL. But they have a one year old and their own lives -- so their interactions with me are limited. I go over there at least once a week for a half hour or hour visit. They love Harlan, so I take him over there too.

But my relationship with my parents is very troubled.

My platonic friendships have all fizzled out over the years -- moving to different places, lifestyle changes, relationship changes, etc. These things take a toll on friendships from childhood and friendships from college.

I don't have even one friend I can really count on. The friends I have are more like acquaintances who I get dinner with once a month.

Here's what I see (please correct me if I'm wrong): I see someone who isn't happy with his primary daily activity (his job) and really doesn't have enough burning passion to work at moving into another line of work. I see someone who is quite introverted and not willing at all to play the social game with others. I know you have a few very firm rules about who you want to even date in the hopes of forming a LTR. I don't read about friends; merely acquaintances. I may have missed posts about volunteering more than once in a while. I read about a dog and a fishing hobby and a burgeoning interest in travel, but that you don't/can't engage in those hobbies enough.

You are mostly right above. But I am relentlessly social. I go to atheist dinners, potlucks, discussions, canoeing trips, bike rides, and so forth. I volunteer at a support group for people who have left cults and fundamentalist religions. I volunteered for quite a while at a couple bike co-ops.

But I cannot seem to make a single close friend.

You live an ascetic life that doesn't seem to leave you engaged or happy. So what do you want to change about it?

Minimalism made me happier -- noticeably. This is a big reason I won't give it up.