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Thread: Practical strategies to cope with being alone?

  1. #121
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LDAHL View Post
    So was Stalin. I think much of the world's misery is the result of people trying to replace gradual, hard-earned cultural evolution with the imposition of some shiny new looks-good-on-paper social theory they thought up last week. That's why I'm a conservative.
    Unfortunately, the status quo doesn't change for the better without incredible sacrifice by visionary people. That's why I'm a liberal.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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  2. #122
    Simpleton Alan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LDAHL View Post
    I think much of the world's misery is the result of people trying to replace gradual, hard-earned cultural evolution with the imposition of some shiny new looks-good-on-paper social theory they thought up last week. That's why I'm a conservative.
    True that!
    "Things should be made as simple as possible, but not one bit simpler." ~ Albert Einstein

  3. #123
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    When I lived in Dayton I had these two friends. We'll call them Frank and Lee.

    Frank was a depressive and had been since his teen years. You think I get the blues? Frank was a virtuoso who could rattle off a bazillion reasons. And he would really cling to things, ruminate over them, many, many of them.

    Lee said once: "I think when you are born fate or genetics or whatever throws you a ball of depression. And generally you carry it for life. When I was born the ball of depression they threw at me was the size of a tennis ball. Something bad happens, I will feel bad for a little while then move on. But when Frank was born they threw a jumbo beach ball sized ball of depression to him."

    I know Frank was worse off than me, especially since he killed himself a couple summers ago.


    Lee is still kickin' though -- he smiles, laughs, plays music, and is social with the best of them. And he has had some tough times, like when his wife died several year back. Lee is resilient.
    Frank was not resilient.

    I am perhaps between the two.

  4. #124
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ultralight View Post
    When I lived in Dayton I had these two friends. We'll call them Frank and Lee.

    Frank was a depressive and had been since his teen years. You think I get the blues? Frank was a virtuoso who could rattle off a bazillion reasons. And he would really cling to things, ruminate over them, many, many of them.

    Lee said once: "I think when you are born fate or genetics or whatever throws you a ball of depression. And generally you carry it for life. When I was born the ball of depression they threw at me was the size of a tennis ball. Something bad happens, I will feel bad for a little while then move on. But when Frank was born they threw a jumbo beach ball sized ball of depression to him."

    I know Frank was worse off than me, especially since he killed himself a couple summers ago.


    Lee is still kickin' though -- he smiles, laughs, plays music, and is social with the best of them. And he has had some tough times, like when his wife died several year back. Lee is resilient.
    Frank was not resilient.

    I am perhaps between the two.
    That's tough, so tough.

    My 28 yr old DIL's first husband wrapped a plastic bag around his head and killed himself the day after she told him she was marrying my son. I get angry when I think about the suffering he caused his family including her.

    My father killed himself more slowly. He went from having a wonderfully intelligent, loving family, devoted wife and 4 kids and living in a house he built with his two hands to dying at age 43, homeless in the Bowery, from alcoholism.

    When my DIL and I had a more intimate moment, I told her that not everything in nature thrives. There's no explanation for why some people are resilient, as you said, UL, and why others opt out of their existence.

    I'm happy that you have more of Lee than Frank in you.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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  5. #125
    Senior Member SteveinMN's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tammy View Post
    "likes the idea of being the companion of a morose, moody, glass empty and dry as the Mojave kinda guy, you should probably cultivate the joys of solitude. Or any joy at all."

    I think that is what Steve was getting at. I would be afraid to commit to you simply because you would want me to be your psych nurse all the time. 
    Just for the record, that quote is not mine.

    My main thrust is that (at least in our society) we all get to re-create our lives based on how we react to what's around us. Notions, goals, and priorities can and do change. Nothing wrong with that. Once a notion or goal or priority no longer serves an individual, though, it should be re-evaluated and the possibility of discarding it at least a possibiiity.

    If being a part of a committed LTR has that much priority for UL, then the barriers to forming such a relationship need to be determined and some existing notions/goals/priorities changed or eliminated. If being part of a committed LTR does not have a higher priority than life as it is now, then there's no need for change. Or for wishing things were different. Or for lamenting the situation.

    In UL's case, if depression is keeping him from even getting to the point at which he could consider what to change to form an LTR, then the notions, goals, and priorities he's using to address his depression need to be evaluated first. Doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result? The odds of that happening are incalculable.
    Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. - Booker T. Washington

  6. #126
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    Imagine pouring yourself a glass of milk to discover it is spoiled after you take a drink.
    But instead of throwing it out you put it back in the refrigerator and the next day take another drink expecting it to taste good. But it is spoiled and you keep repeating this over and over expecting a different result.

  7. #127
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    Ain't no two ways about it. I am in a real funk.

    I appreciate the ideas, suggestions, and thoughts.

  8. #128
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    Quote Originally Posted by catherine View Post
    That's tough, so tough.

    My 28 yr old DIL's first husband wrapped a plastic bag around his head and killed himself the day after she told him she was marrying my son. I get angry when I think about the suffering he caused his family including her.

    My father killed himself more slowly. He went from having a wonderfully intelligent, loving family, devoted wife and 4 kids and living in a house he built with his two hands to dying at age 43, homeless in the Bowery, from alcoholism.

    When my DIL and I had a more intimate moment, I told her that not everything in nature thrives. There's no explanation for why some people are resilient, as you said, UL, and why others opt out of their existence.

    I'm happy that you have more of Lee than Frank in you.
    I am sorry to hear about those tragedies in your family. You are right, it is tough. That is an understatement.

    As for Frank, none of his closest friends blamed him for committing suicide. We all knew it was what was best for him. We do wish there had been a more humane way for him to do it. And we all miss the heck out of him. Because at his best he was so funny and insightful. But he was terminally mentally ill with profound depression.

    As for whether or not I am more like Frank or more like Lee, who really knows. I think I am somewhere between them. I know I am not a very resilient person. And what resilience I have seems to fade with each passing year. The older I get, the less fight I have in me. Perhaps this is natural.

  9. #129
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    Quote Originally Posted by LDAHL View Post
    So was Stalin. I think much of the world's misery is the result of people trying to replace gradual, hard-earned cultural evolution with the imposition of some shiny new looks-good-on-paper social theory they thought up last week. That's why I'm a conservative.
    gobbledygook

  10. #130
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    I have been reflecting a great deal on this discussion, the suggestions and ideas therein, along with my responses.

    One thing that I think is absolutely correct and worthwhile is your suggestion to find a meaningful hobby or pastime, one that involves a fair amount of socializing in a way that builds a relationship (goes beyond chit-chat).

    Some of you all have provided examples from your own lives (scuba or gardening, for instance).

    I noted some examples from my colleagues or from acquaintances (rock climbing, sky diving, fantasy football).

    My conclusion is that you all are correct. I need something like this. So I am keeping my eye out for something that appeals to me. And to be honest, I am keeping my eye out for things that don't necessarily appeal to me but also don't repulse me either. haha

    Here are some of the ideas I have considered:
    -Table top gaming (Settlers of Catan, Railroad Tycoon, etc.)
    -Dog rescue volunteering
    -Community gardening (I already did this with no success, so I remain a little dubious)
    -Rock climbing (they are building a rock wall a couple blocks from my apartment building
    -Book club (find one or even start one)
    -Movie club (this could be an atheist thing as I strongly suspect matinee and dinner outings would be popular).
    -Yoga
    -Tai Chi

    Of course, as I mentioned earlier I am dealing with some health issues at the moment. So that is my first priority. If I can get well, then finding a meaningful and social hobby is next on the list.

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