Practical strategies to cope with being alone?

[Ultralight]

So what do you think is the show-stopper here? Do you see a pattern in how you form relationships with others that just isn't sustainable over the long term? And, if the desire for very close friendship or even an LTR/marriage is strong enough, what are you willing to change (compromise on) to help make that happen?

Lots of intriguing insights in your full reply. I am glad to here things went well for you and your wife, especially since it was online.

The show-stopper is usually me not wanting kids. Minimalism is another one, but that is usually after finding someone who does not want kids or who is willing to give up their plan to have kids in order to have a life partner (this is more common of women in their late 30s as they feel the writing is on the wall and they should take what they can get).

[Ultralight]

My theory about forming close friendships is that you need to have a core interest that attracts a lot of people, and then you work within the interest or organization to further its goals and in that role,you make friends along the way and you hook up with people who share your values, not only that core value, but secondary ones.

I agree with you. I think that this is a reason that atheism in an of itself has not created any real friendships. Atheism is merely a lack of belief, though many atheists share certain cultural affinities (left-leaning politics, Star Trek, Dr. Who, etc.), it is not enough of a glue to stick friends together.

I see others with friends. A guy a work has a fantasy football league. He and his friends live for this game! They drink and eat and socialize all around this activity.
Another coworker is a rock climber. She has lots of friends she climbs with. They even take trips to other places to climb in the wild. She actually has two big sets of friends because she skydives too, and has a tight-knit group of skydivers she is friends with.

I have thought about taking up some hobby in the hopes that I would make friends. But no social hobby speaks to me...

[Yppej]

But my relationship with my parents is very troubled.

Here is the root of the problem. Have you gone for counseling?

As Iyanla says, to see who you are today look at your foundation (family of origin).

[Ultralight]

Here is the root of the problem. Have you gone for counseling?

I went for 4 years.

As Iyanla says, to see who you are today look at your foundation (family of origin).

Tell me more.

[Yppej]

You learn how to be a man by how your father behaves. You learn how to be in a relationship by how your parents interact with their significant others. Patterns repeat themselves unless you discover them and actively work to change them.

Were either of your parents judgmental? Hard to please? Did they suffer from diagnosed or undiagnosed anxiety disorders that led them to have rigid thinking? Were they emotionally absent or afraid of commitments? Did your father feel that the main thing he could contribute to a relationship is a paycheck?

[Ultralight]

You learn how to be a man by how your father behaves. You learn how to be in a relationship by how your parents interact with their significant others. Patterns repeat themselves unless you discover them and actively work to change them.

Were either of your parents judgmental? Hard to please? Did they suffer from diagnosed or undiagnosed anxiety disorders that led them to have rigid thinking? Were they emotionally absent or afraid of commitments? Did your father feel that the main thing he could contribute to a relationship is a paycheck?

My parents have been married since 1968. They were high school sweethearts.

Sure, I guess my parents are judgmental. More so than other people? I don't know.

My mom has really bad anxiety and depression. My dad has had some really bad bouts of depression too.

My dad was not especially emotional, but he certainly was not a paycheck dad. He taught me to fish, took me to martial arts classes, and we watched Nova and Star Trek together.

[Yppej]

You have inherited the anxiety. Anxiety disorders are characterized by rigid thinking such as I can only own 200 objects. It has also led to unrealistic expectations in a partner.

You have a tendency towards depression. You have low self-esteem and have said the only reason a woman would want you is for your paycheck or to support her children from a previous relationship.

It's too bad the 4 years of counseling did not lead you to a point where you can be happy. Maybe medication would help.

[Ultralight]

You have inherited the anxiety. Anxiety disorders are characterized by rigid thinking such as I can only own 200 objects. It has also led to unrealistic expectations in a partner.

I may have inherited it, or maybe I learned it; or maybe both.

Uh... actually my click-point is somewhere between 150 and 250. 200 is a good number though. A lot of it depends on hobbies or if I am living alone, and so forth.

Are my expectations really all that unrealistic?

You have a tendency towards depression. You have low self-esteem and have said the only reason a woman would want you is for your paycheck or to support her children from a previous relationship.

I have been depressed since the summer of 1979. Low self-esteem? I dunno about that. I would say it is more average or reasonable levels of self-esteem. I know I am a fairly bright guy -- well-read, slightly above average sense of humor, and I have accomplished a handful of things in life.

It's too bad the 4 years of counseling did not lead you to a point where you can be happy. Maybe medication would help.

At this juncture I am still quite against medication.

[Tradd]

I agree with you. I think that this is a reason that atheism in an of itself has not created any real friendships. Atheism is merely a lack of belief, though many atheists share certain cultural affinities (left-leaning politics, Star Trek, Dr. Who, etc.), it is not enough of a glue to stick friends together.

I see others with friends. A guy a work has a fantasy football league. He and his friends live for this game! They drink and eat and socialize all around this activity.
Another coworker is a rock climber. She has lots of friends she climbs with. They even take trips to other places to climb in the wild. She actually has two big sets of friends because she skydives too, and has a tight-knit group of skydivers she is friends with.

I have thought about taking up some hobby in the hopes that I would make friends. But no social hobby speaks to me...

I scuba dive. I'm quite passionate about it and also work hard at it. My social circle has expanded in a major way. A lot of stuff feeds into diving. I'm a history buff and have been very into Great Lakes shipwrecks for a quarter-century. I read a lot about the topic. I dive some of the wrecks I've read about (and will do others as I advance and get more training). In order to dive, I needed to be more fit, and I *really* need to be in be shape. I started off swimming 350 yards a year ago today, going twice a week. As of today, I'm doing 2000 yards (more than a mile) at least 3 times a week, and doing some light weights at home. I'm also doing pool dives once a month over the winter (3 hour sessions) and working my butt off on certain things. I got past a number of fears to do diving.

I took this up a year ago in October at the age of 47. Friends continue to be astonished. I'm much more active than I have ever been. I feel great. I'm single with no guy and no prospects of a guy. I'm fine with it. In fact, unless a guy was a diver, I wouldn't want to date him, as he would probably not appreciate how much I dive from April through October. It's one of the best things I've ever done for myself.

Have you nothing like this?

Diving is not a cheap hobby, and it's very gear intensive.

[Ultralight]

I scuba dive. I'm quite passionate about it and also work hard at it. My social circle has expanded in a major way. A lot of stuff feeds into diving. I'm a history buff and have been very into Great Lakes shipwrecks for a quarter-century. I read a lot about the topic. I dive some of the wrecks I've read about (and will do others as I advance and get more training). In order to dive, I needed to be more fit, and I *really* need to be in be shape. I started off swimming 350 yards a year ago today, going twice a week. As of today, I'm doing 2000 yards (more than a mile) at least 3 times a week, and doing some light weights at home. I'm also doing pool dives once a month over the winter (3 hour sessions) and working my butt off on certain things. I got past a number of fears to do diving.

I took this up a year ago in October at the age of 47. Friends continue to be astonished. I'm much more active than I have ever been. I feel great. I'm single with no guy and no prospects of a guy. I'm fine with it. In fact, unless a guy was a diver, I wouldn't want to date him, as he would probably not appreciate how much I dive from April through October. It's one of the best things I've ever done for myself.

Have you nothing like this?

Diving is not a cheap hobby, and it's very gear intensive.

This is really great! I am very glad to hear you have found this.

My father was a diver and made many trips to Florida to go diving. He loved it and was really into it for about 15 or so years.

I don't have anything like what scuba is to you.