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Thread: Lopsided relationships?

  1. #31
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chicken lady View Post
    Also, I apparently have a different values system, because there have been times I found myself short on food or without housing and deliberately chose not to turn to public services because I have a family that would have helped me at a “price” I found unacceptable, and I see public services as a resource for those who have no other options. (Or “it is wrong for me to expect Alan to finance my ability to stand on my beliefs”)
    Topic drift...

    Let's keep on task here. haha
    I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand." -- Rodney Dangerfield

  2. #32
    Senior Member Williamsmith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ultralight View Post
    Topic drift...

    Let's keep on task here. haha
    My marriage is like a circular Venn Diagram. Yours can be too some day.

  3. #33
    Senior Member herbgeek's Avatar
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    Let's keep on task here. haha
    Right. The task at hand is UL trolling the rest of us. You keep telling us you're lonely etc, but then when we give concrete ideas on how you could make the situation different, you are flippant. Or have very quick reasons why nothing anyone suggests will work. And then you do it all the next week, and get us going again.

  4. #34
    Senior Member JaneV2.0's Avatar
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    I've been financially independent from a young age, and pretty quickly realized it wasn't fair to expect someone else to subsidize me. So far, I haven't had to approach Alan hat in hand, and I don't expect to. Works for me.

  5. #35
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by herbgeek View Post
    Right. The task at hand is UL trolling the rest of us. You keep telling us you're lonely etc, but then when we give concrete ideas on how you could make the situation different, you are flippant. Or have very quick reasons why nothing anyone suggests will work. And then you do it all the next week, and get us going again.
    I am not trolling you or anyone.
    1. I am going back to my shrink as I have not been there in months
    2. I noted I was dealing with the health issues, so I am working on those (I am finally cleared to exercise rigorously again, I have also committed to eating raw and/or steamed veggies every day, which I am doing like a champ, I am also going to my doctor appointments, etc.)
    3. I am broadening my preferences to include demographics I would have otherwise largely ignored
    4. I am actively seeking out at hobby that comes with frequent activity and built-in socializing because numerous people on here suggested this. But I don't think I will hit a home run when I first get to bat. It is likely going to take several at-bats.
    5. I am actively trying to dig myself out of this depression by cleaning up my dang apartment, cleaning my car, getting lunch or dinner with acquaintances, attending some atheist activities, calling old college and grad school friends to catch up, getting out for a little fresh air (even though it freezes my lungs), and so on.
    I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand." -- Rodney Dangerfield

  6. #36
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    UA, you misunderstood my comment. I was not teferring to marijuana, at all. I was thinking more along the lines of st johns wort, vitamin D, etc. Alternatively, you could have low thyroid, which has same symptoms. Google holistuc approaches to depression.

  7. #37
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mschrisgo2 View Post
    UA, you misunderstood my comment. I was not teferring to marijuana, at all. I was thinking more along the lines of st johns wort, vitamin D, etc. Alternatively, you could have low thyroid, which has same symptoms. Google holistuc approaches to depression.
    Which of those is evidence based (besides Vitamin D, which I take 1000 IU daily from November 1 until April 1)?

    The thyroid thing makes me wonder, as my mom had a thyroid disease.
    But my physicals and blood work come back normal. I have had high blood pressure for a few months now, which is worrisome. And I don't know why either...
    I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand." -- Rodney Dangerfield

  8. #38
    Senior Member pony mom's Avatar
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    I think UL has possibly never been totally head over heels in love. And perhaps The Minimalists are, which is why they've compromised a bit, according to UL. You have a mental list of wants and dealbreakers which could exclude your potential perfect partner. And, IMO, stay in relationships that don't feel right for you for too long because of the physical compatibility.

    The no kids rule is important, but so what if they're not so minimalist? People in love and in serious relationships can compromise and make it work. Women usually come with more stuff than men---get over it.

    I'm speaking as someone who hasn't been head over heels in love, but have loved someone in the past. He has come into my life again and although he's a great guy, adores me, and would probably change his life to fit into mine, I just don't get that "He's the one" feeling. In many ways, on paper he's great. But if that's what I followed, I wouldn't be happy with him.

    From other posts, I get the feeling that you haven't truly been in love with your recent gfs. As many posters have said, their partners are sometimes totally opposite from them, but they love them and it works. Life may not be exactly as they'd like, but they love each other.

    Gosh, I sound like a Hallmark card.

  9. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ultralight View Post
    Which of those is evidence based (besides Vitamin D, which I take 1000 IU daily from November 1 until April 1)?

    The thyroid thing makes me wonder, as my mom had a thyroid disease.
    But my physicals and blood work come back normal. I have had high blood pressure for a few months now, which is worrisome. And I don't know why either...
    No, I will not do your research for you. You really do need to help yourself. Everything anyone suggests, you immediately discount.

    Low thyroid can absolutely cause high blood pressure. Depending on your age, how thorough the doctor's evaluation was, whether or not thyroid testing was actually included in your blood work, which depends a lot on your doctor's philosophy - yeah, see, even the practice of medicine has many variables... Do your research. Help yourself.

  10. #40
    Senior Member SteveinMN's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zoe Girl View Post
    Yes Steve, I think WHY we choose something is more telling then WHAT the thing is. So I wouldn't write off someone with a large house and a nice car any more than I would write off someone with a small apartment and old car. Now I would steer clear of someone who talked constantly about how much or how little they had and why. Tell me about kayak and the activity more than the vehicle that carries it, new or old. Does that make sense?
    What you've written makes sense to me as a statement/concept. I'm still trying to figure out how it applies to what I wrote about UL's OP.

    My perception is that most of what I read in the OP centered on the "what" more than the "why". There was much recounting of salaries (or low hourly wages) and possessions and not nearly enough about things UL is unlikely to be able to know about the partnerships (since he really knows some things about only one half of each couple). The dynamics of the relationships are not available to him (as the dynamics of our own relationships are very rarely fully available to anyone else outside the relationship). My argument, if you will, is that UL is not being told about the activity behind the kayak; he's only writing that he sees the kayak. He doesn't know the import of the kayak or the vehicle carrying it.

    I know couples who own all the toys -- big house, electronic gadgets, fancy new cars, cabin, boat, jewelry. On the outside they look quite prosperous. But I know they're pretty much covering the debt payments and haven't saved a nickel for retirement. All the "ownership" and the willingness to spend money that way tells me something about them as people. But it does not illustrate to me what all that ownership means to the two of them; what needs it fills in the space of their partnership or their individual lives. The lack of knowledge can lead to very different views of what's going on. Not suggesting that's what's going on with UL's friends. It's just another example of comparing insides to outsides.
    If Americans expended even a fraction of the energy on civic engagement that we spend on consumer ideology, our democracy would be much healthier. Can you imagine people camping out to vote? -- Charles Roberts, Amherst, Mass., Nov. 25, 2006

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