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Thread: Lopsided relationships?

  1. #61
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    I am sorry.

  2. #62
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chicken lady View Post
    I am sorry.
    Thanks. I appreciate it. It has been over for a little longer than a year.
    I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand." -- Rodney Dangerfield

  3. #63
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    it may be why I am with my bf is we are actually very similar people, not clones really, but more like variations on a theme. It wasn't a checklist, it was more like in the movies, when you would quote some really obscure thing that almost only you would have any interest in (no not that was online anywhere or anything, nothing anyone could know about you) and the other person could answer, and it was like: oh my. That type of serendipity. Well and I really liked some traits. And mostly it is sustained by enjoying each others company.

    I would be the last person that would ever say I am good at relationships (I don't even know if this will last ...). I am much more an authority on what doesn't work. I'm kind of an expert on that as I've mostly done the single thing. And looking for head over heels in love is definitely something that doesn't work, because all it leads to is wondering if there is something else out there, and dumping the person your with for that mirage (and it is a mirage) repeatedly. I'm actually somewhat sympathetic to arranged marriages, the complete opposite. I think we learn to love people, and that arranged marriages do assure that everyone has someone (but really suck if you *already* have someone and have to do the arranged marriage instead!).
    If you want something to get done, ask a busy person. If you want them to have a nervous breakdown that is.

  4. #64
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    My Dd married fairly young. Only a few of her friends are married or seriously partnered, and most of them do not come from families where the marriages are still mostly intact. she got in a conversation with one of them where the friend said “I don’t know. I just keep wondering if I would be happier with someone else.” And Dd said “you would be.” And the friend was shocked: “What?!” Dd: “for a while. And then you’d just have a new set of issues. If you think this is going to be fun all the time, you’re crazy.”

    my kids have decribed my relationship this way “mom and dad don’t like any of the same things (exaggeration) but mom likes dad, and dad likes mom, so it works for them.”

  5. #65
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    We do like many of the same things, and delight in spending time together. I think both of us feel lost without the other. I think the word lopsided implies a lot of judgments that I don't want to make--if it works for the folks involved and they are happy, then who am I to judge?

  6. #66
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chicken lady View Post
    My Dd married fairly young. Only a few of her friends are married or seriously partnered, and most of them do not come from families where the marriages are still mostly intact. she got in a conversation with one of them where the friend said “I don’t know. I just keep wondering if I would be happier with someone else.” And Dd said “you would be.” And the friend was shocked: “What?!” Dd: “for a while. And then you’d just have a new set of issues. If you think this is going to be fun all the time, you’re crazy.”
    Definitely some good insight there.
    I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand." -- Rodney Dangerfield

  7. #67
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Something else worth mentioning on this thread: "Spark" and "Chemistry."

    I have gone on some dates with women and while they check off most things on my list the dates were boring and the conversation was slow and dull. There was not much flirting or laughing.

    I have then politely declined these women after a date or two because I thought: "There is no spark" or "We don't have a chemistry."

    But after reflecting for the past few weeks I have realized that I will go on dates or meet women with whom I have lots of spark and chemistry, the conversations are lively and fun, and we laugh a lot.

    But! These women with who I have so much spark are totally not relationship material to me. They have some real deal breaker issues or dysfunctional personalities.

    So what I am thinking is that maybe these women who seem dull or boring are worth really digging deeper into and getting to know more. Perhaps when they open up they'd be more fun. Perhaps spark and chemistry are overrated and determination and stick-to-it are more important.

    Thoughts?
    I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand." -- Rodney Dangerfield

  8. #68
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    Give it a try. What you’re doing isn’t working.

    i am possibly the most aggravating woman dh has ever met. As you know, I am a hoarder. If dh didn’t have a piano and a roll top desk, he could pack everything in this house that matters to him in his car. (Not the tools in the workshop though) But for him, the rollercoaster ride matters. For you, it isn’t enough.

    so, over time, we have come closer over the things that didn’t matter as much - compromises! Work arounds, even changes in ourselves!

    it is totally possible that given a comfortable, compatible place to start you could fan a warm glow into a flame.

    Also - you can go out and have “fun” with your friends and come home happy to a person who is happy to see you and glad you are happy. Been doing it for years.

  9. #69
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ultralight View Post
    So what I am thinking is that maybe these women who seem dull or boring are worth really digging deeper into and getting to know more. Perhaps when they open up they'd be more fun. Perhaps spark and chemistry are overrated and determination and stick-to-it are more important.

    Thoughts?
    You really should try reading The Road Less Traveled. It's not perfect, but there's good stuff in it if you keep an open mind.

  10. #70
    Senior Member JaneV2.0's Avatar
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    I'm sure I've scuttled a few solid relationships because the chemistry wasn't there. As a young woman, I was scandalized when a co-worker remarked that she wouldn't bother with someone she didn't want to sleep with, but I grew to agree with her, for the most part.

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