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Thread: Drunkenness, Dementia & Dysfunction in a Big Cloud of Cigarette Smoke

  1. #31
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    I think this kind of situation is perfect for reverse mortgage -

  2. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tammy View Post
    I think this kind of situation is perfect for reverse mortgage -
    I was thinking that is true, if the money she gets could be used for nursing/cleaning/home health care.
    But what happens when and if she must go to assisted living. Do they just then sell the house? How does that impact the reverse mortgage.
    Catherine, why did you say the alcoholism might make the reverse mortgage not a good idea?

    Rosa, just because you want her to be able to stay in their house, and it seems the kindest thing, and you cannot expect her to change how she lives, etc., and she is alcoholic, does not mean it is going to end well for her staying in the house. that is what is happening with my parents, and now they can't go home from the hospital to the house, as hospital will not release them to an environment that is not safe for them.

    So while we also wanted them to be able to stay in the house, and knew things weren't going to change with them suddenty taking great care of themselves, and they are very old and wanted to die at home, it is not working well for them. Realistically they should have left 3 years ago...

    We are far away, all the kids, but you live 2 miles away rosa, and if your mil has a fall and injures herself, as my dad did, then things can change quickly as to how she can live in her current home. Not sure how the state will then react, as you live so close.

    We were told either get here and straighten this out for them, as they can no longer make reasonable decisions, even the one parent who is deemed competent ( and one is), or the state will take over and deem them self-neglect, and then they get put wherever the state wants to put them, and they can separate them and probably will.

    So not everyone is lucky enough to be able to die at home, even if it seems like that is what they want and are hellbent on doing.

  3. #33
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tybee View Post
    Catherine, why did you say the alcoholism might make the reverse mortgage not a good idea?
    That was before I knew she was 85. At first blush, I felt that a reverse mortgage would give her carte blanche to carry on with her ways and not give her any incentive to change. But now I think that a reverse mortgage might make it easier on everyone.

    So sorry about the difficulties you are facing, Tybee. It is very hard for all to face leaving home, especially if its not one's choice. My favorite aunt became a widow 3 years ago, and she told me that she wanted to stay where she was, in the home she raised her kids in, even though you can't leave the house without navigating treacherous steps, and she has severe osteoporosis.

    So they just recently relocated her to her son's house for good, and they sold her house. When I took her to lunch a few months ago, I detected her mind was slipping. I wonder if the move disoriented her, or if she was losing it anyway.

    I think people are lucky if they can die on their own terms.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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  4. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by catherine View Post


    I think people are lucky if they can die on their own terms.
    Amen to that, it is much to be prayed for. But sometimes, it does not happen. It is more likely to happen for Rosa's mil, I think, if she can get home health in there now, and not depend on the family members for the care.
    If my parents had been willing to do that, it might have worked the way they wanted.

  5. #35
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    These situations are so hard. It seems to be a common problem that people refuse to make any changes until some sort of emergency event happens (broken hip, fall, fire, accidental meds overdose, etc.). At that point, they then have to act quickly and with limited options due to the time constraints. To me, it seems like it would be so much better to accept reality and make changes earlier on your own schedule and with more choices, to get to a more supportable living situation before the point when one is actually entirely unable to take care of oneself. Lots of people would like to "die at home," which is fine but you have to realize that very frequently, you don't just go from being able to live on your own to peacefully dying in your sleep one night. You need to plan for that interim period where you are still alive but unable to care for yourself completely on your own. Possible dementia/alcoholism and sibling/money issues just make the whole thing that much worse.

    OP, I applaud your compassion and willingness to help, but also hope that you will be able to set boundaries and not make yourself unwell by trying to solve this complicated situation which has been decades in the making and is not your fault.

  6. #36
    Senior Member Teacher Terry's Avatar
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    I would get the reverse mortgage. Since she has live in help she may just be able to die there especially is she gets some home health assistance when she needs it. Realistically it does not sound like she will live much longer. You are a wonderful DIL!

  7. #37
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Tybee, that is a sad situation, that of your parents. And not much you can do about it if they arent going to allow you to help them find an alternative.

  8. #38
    Senior Member rosarugosa's Avatar
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    Tybee: I am so sorry since it sounds like you have double the trouble going on. Are both of your parents currently in the hospital?
    Mammalatte: You make some very good points. What a curious phenomenon in our society that we all sort of pretend that we aren't going to get older and frailer as we make our life decisions and living arrangements, and then other, often unappealing arrangements have to be made in crisis mode when something happens.

  9. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by rosarugosa View Post
    Tybee: I am so sorry since it sounds like you have double the trouble going on. Are both of your parents currently in the hospital?
    Mammalatte: You make some very good points. What a curious phenomenon in our society that we all sort of pretend that we aren't going to get older and frailer as we make our life decisions and living arrangements, and then other, often unappealing arrangements have to be made in crisis mode when something happens.
    Thanks Rosarugosa and IL. They are both currently out of the hospital and into rehab, with plans to move them from rehab to long term care as soon as they are strong enough. They have definitely entered that phase where control has been taken away from them as to whether they can go home or not (they can't, according to hospital, doctors, social workers) and now we are trying to help them adjust and cope with the new reality, while wrapping up their house without them being there, although my dad cannot quite get his head around that aspect of things, and my mother is so far gone mentally that she vacillates between thinking she is still home and that she is on a trip with my dad at a motel.

    We are in the phase of trying to wrap up their affairs, keep them safe, warm, and fed, and I cannot tell yet whether they will pass soon or go into ltc and hopefully, that we can move them to ltc closer to one of their children. I just don't know if my dad will make it that long, and it is a definitely in crisis mode.

    For at least 7 years we have been trying to get them to move in with us, have offered to move in with them, have been trying to get them home health, been trying to get them to come "visit" us and then let it evolve into a permanent situation--but now their health is so fragile that I could not even pull that off at this point. They need to be where they are.

    Rosa, I hope your mil does not get to this point. Although they did get to live as they wanted for as long as they possibly could, and that was certainly an achievement. They both wanted to die at home, they just could not quite pull it off.

  10. #40
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    Tammy can add to this but I found in my counselling families in LTC re oral health issues that the kids felt way more stress than their parents. While the parents were simply coping with change, the kids were dealing with guilt, struggling trying to do their level best to meet the ideal expectations of care for parents, the financial stress of taking on another's monetary responsibilities, sibling power struggles, planning for possible termination of life and clearing out homes.
    Rosa and Tybee, you cannot do it all. Parents live with the results of their choices. Doing nothing is a choice that they make. Kids cannot correct or undo these choices in most cases.
    So many people simply cannot cope with planning for their demise. What are each of you doing to prevent this from happening in your life'e end?

    Now 74 years old, I expect to live for another 30 years, I hope that I have planned well with my downsizing, bringing all assets under one roof but properly managed, prepaid funeral, a legal updated will in my lawyer's office, an accountant doing my taxes for a very modest fee, living simply and actively with diverse interests in a quiet modest neighbourhood, alcohol and drug-free, talking to my kids weekly, happy and healthy.
    As Cicero said, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”

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