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Thread: Drunkenness, Dementia & Dysfunction in a Big Cloud of Cigarette Smoke

  1. #41
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Quote Originally Posted by razz View Post
    Tammy can add to this but I found in my counselling families in LTC re oral health issues that the kids felt way more stress than their parents. While the parents were simply coping with change, the kids were dealing with guilt, struggling trying to do their level best to meet the ideal expectations of care for parents, the financial stress of taking on another's monetary responsibilities, sibling power struggles, planning for possible termination of life and clearing out homes.
    Rosa and Tybee, you cannot do it all. Parents live with the results of their choices. Doing nothing is a choice that they make. Kids cannot correct or undo these choices in most cases.
    So many people simply cannot cope with planning for their demise. What are each of you doing to prevent this from happening in your life'e end?

    Now 74 years old, I expect to live for another 30 years, I hope that I have planned well with my downsizing, bringing all assets under one roof but properly managed, prepaid funeral, a legal updated will in my lawyer's office, an accountant doing my taxes for a very modest fee, living simply and actively with diverse interests in a quiet modest neighbourhood, alcohol and drug-free, talking to my kids weekly, happy and healthy.
    yes! That is the sphere of control trol we have, our own choices for where to live and aging out.

    Believe it or not, I regularly think about the mess someone would inherit if we both died. I think about the mess *I* would inherit if DH died. I have general plans for both, but that doesnt mean it woild be an easy task to take care of everything. Our financial i struments are not under one roof and that would be a mess even thpugh we have documented it all. We still have two financial insteuments that are NOT part of our trust, it is just too damn hard to make that happen. But we will soldier on and chip away at the goal of completing our trust.


    When I think about our deaths it is highly abstract and so it is not painful,
    I dont get upset. I am thinking about the practical aspects of it all.

    My own parents modeled good planning for end of life. They said they expected my mother to live a good 10 years beyond my father. She did. They paid for nursing home insurance for her. It came in handy. They said they would not be leaving any assets to us kids, dont plan on it! They left a nice amount after all but not a big amount. My mother moved two times frm our family hme, and each time it was into a smaller, more updated place and each time she got rid of tons of crap. Yay!

    There is a retirement apartment complex within a mile of here that draws me in. I am on their mailing list and they do aggressive marketing. It is across the street from my favorite city park, it is on a stretch of business area that has great restaurants. It is in an old pre-war building, and I love those buildings with their tiny closets and kitchens and their hgh ceilings. DH and I are going to their open house this month.

    It is possible that we move to Hermann, MO but retain a small apartment in St. Louis city. Maybe this retirement place is the best to move straight into without having an inbetween time apartment, who knows? It would be very hard for me to leave the city. There are other retirement places that I think of as “posh” and I like their grounds, but I hate the fact that they are all the hell the way out in suburbs.
    Last edited by iris lilies; 1-16-18 at 11:56am.

  2. #42
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Allowing elderly parents to make their own choices - sort of like allowing grown kids to make their own choices. It's all about boundaries.

  3. #43
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Quote Originally Posted by Tammy View Post
    Allowing elderly parents to make their own choices - sort of like allowing grown kids to make their own choices. It's all about boundaries.
    Parents who are legally competent can do whatever they wish; we were unable to convince mine to do something different, unfortunately, but perhaps it would have ended up in the same place.
    Since we were summoned by the medical authorities to start making decisions for them, we are helping them, supporting them, caring for them, loving them, and helping them stay together, and working with the hospital, t he social workers, the doctors, so that they remain safe. We are working on their house, even though we all live thousands of miles away. We are heartbroken at their circumstances and their suffering.

    Razz, I don't know if you were addressing Rosarugosa and me specifically about our plans for our own eventual end, or whether it was a general comment to all. If you were addressing me specifically, of course I have made other arrangements and plan to end out my days very differently than my parents, in order that my children not go through anything like this. I am glad that you have done the same.

  4. #44
    Senior Member rosarugosa's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Eastern Massachusetts
    Ah end of life plans, I suppose we should make some . . .
    At least we won't be a burden to our kids because we don't have any.
    We do have a small house with the bathroom on the first floor, and we're within walking distance to the center of town and decent bus service. We are mindful of our finances, and we would be good candidates for a reverse mortgage since we have no kids and our house is paid for.

  5. #45
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    My Mom planned very well. She moved into an apartment. As she aged she got rid of stuff. When it was apparent she was dying she got rid of most stuff even her pics after we took what we wanted. She stayed home until a week before she died which is what she wanted. She was tough and determined. A lesser person would not have made it alone at 90 and advanced cancer. She had paid for her funeral. She had written everything down including her own obituary, asked people to sing at the funeral and told them what to sing. It was important to her that she take everyone that came to a nice restaurant for lunch after the funeral. We were instructed to sell her car to pay for it. She was a remarkable woman.

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