Drunkenness, Dementia & Dysfunction in a Big Cloud of Cigarette Smoke

[iris lilies]

Tammy can add to this but I found in my counselling families in LTC re oral health issues that the kids felt way more stress than their parents. While the parents were simply coping with change, the kids were dealing with guilt, struggling trying to do their level best to meet the ideal expectations of care for parents, the financial stress of taking on another's monetary responsibilities, sibling power struggles, planning for possible termination of life and clearing out homes.
Rosa and Tybee, you cannot do it all. Parents live with the results of their choices. Doing nothing is a choice that they make. Kids cannot correct or undo these choices in most cases.
So many people simply cannot cope with planning for their demise. What are each of you doing to prevent this from happening in your life'e end?

Now 74 years old, I expect to live for another 30 years, I hope that I have planned well with my downsizing, bringing all assets under one roof but properly managed, prepaid funeral, a legal updated will in my lawyer's office, an accountant doing my taxes for a very modest fee, living simply and actively with diverse interests in a quiet modest neighbourhood, alcohol and drug-free, talking to my kids weekly, happy and healthy.

yes! That is the sphere of control trol we have, our own choices for where to live and aging out.

Believe it or not, I regularly think about the mess someone would inherit if we both died. I think about the mess *I* would inherit if DH died. I have general plans for both, but that doesnt mean it woild be an easy task to take care of everything. Our financial i struments are not under one roof and that would be a mess even thpugh we have documented it all. We still have two financial insteuments that are NOT part of our trust, it is just too damn hard to make that happen. But we will soldier on and chip away at the goal of completing our trust.

Anyway.

When I think about our deaths it is highly abstract and so it is not painful,
I dont get upset. I am thinking about the practical aspects of it all.

My own parents modeled good planning for end of life. They said they expected my mother to live a good 10 years beyond my father. She did. They paid for nursing home insurance for her. It came in handy. They said they would not be leaving any assets to us kids, dont plan on it! They left a nice amount after all but not a big amount. My mother moved two times frm our family hme, and each time it was into a smaller, more updated place and each time she got rid of tons of crap. Yay!

There is a retirement apartment complex within a mile of here that draws me in. I am on their mailing list and they do aggressive marketing. It is across the street from my favorite city park, it is on a stretch of business area that has great restaurants. It is in an old pre-war building, and I love those buildings with their tiny closets and kitchens and their hgh ceilings. DH and I are going to their open house this month.

It is possible that we move to Hermann, MO but retain a small apartment in St. Louis city. Maybe this retirement place is the best to move straight into without having an inbetween time apartment, who knows? It would be very hard for me to leave the city. There are other retirement places that I think of as “posh” and I like their grounds, but I hate the fact that they are all the hell the way out in suburbs.

[Tammy]

Allowing elderly parents to make their own choices - sort of like allowing grown kids to make their own choices. It's all about boundaries.

[Tybee]

Allowing elderly parents to make their own choices - sort of like allowing grown kids to make their own choices. It's all about boundaries.

Parents who are legally competent can do whatever they wish; we were unable to convince mine to do something different, unfortunately, but perhaps it would have ended up in the same place.
Since we were summoned by the medical authorities to start making decisions for them, we are helping them, supporting them, caring for them, loving them, and helping them stay together, and working with the hospital, t he social workers, the doctors, so that they remain safe. We are working on their house, even though we all live thousands of miles away. We are heartbroken at their circumstances and their suffering.

Razz, I don't know if you were addressing Rosarugosa and me specifically about our plans for our own eventual end, or whether it was a general comment to all. If you were addressing me specifically, of course I have made other arrangements and plan to end out my days very differently than my parents, in order that my children not go through anything like this. I am glad that you have done the same.

[rosarugosa]

Ah end of life plans, I suppose we should make some . . .
At least we won't be a burden to our kids because we don't have any.
We do have a small house with the bathroom on the first floor, and we're within walking distance to the center of town and decent bus service. We are mindful of our finances, and we would be good candidates for a reverse mortgage since we have no kids and our house is paid for.

[Teacher Terry]

My Mom planned very well. She moved into an apartment. As she aged she got rid of stuff. When it was apparent she was dying she got rid of most stuff even her pics after we took what we wanted. She stayed home until a week before she died which is what she wanted. She was tough and determined. A lesser person would not have made it alone at 90 and advanced cancer. She had paid for her funeral. She had written everything down including her own obituary, asked people to sing at the funeral and told them what to sing. It was important to her that she take everyone that came to a nice restaurant for lunch after the funeral. We were instructed to sell her car to pay for it. She was a remarkable woman.

[rosarugosa]

My sister & I have registered for a class at the local Community College on caring for those with dementia. Neither mother nor MIL has been diagnosed with dementia, but the early signs are there, and I can't imagine we won't pick up some useful knowledge.
I spent the day with my mom and we worked on a crossword puzzle for about 5 hours. Her neurologist said this type of activity would be good for her, and that she needed to challenge her brain, that it had to be something difficult for it to be therapeutic. It was heartbreaking just how difficult it was for her, and my mom used to be as sharp as they came. I ended up with a bit of a headache, (I found it challenging in a different way), but she was delighted and felt great about spending the time together and seeing that her "brain still works." I guess that made the endeavor worthwhile.

ETA: This is my mother I'm talking about here and not my MIL.

[sweetana3]

There is a great caregiving forum on city-data.com. I have followed two stories in particular and learned a lot about the disease and how to adapt and work with the issues.

[rosarugosa]

Thanks, Sweetana. I will check it out!

[saguaro]

These situations are so hard. It seems to be a common problem that people refuse to make any changes until some sort of emergency event happens (broken hip, fall, fire, accidental meds overdose, etc.). At that point, they then have to act quickly and with limited options due to the time constraints. To me, it seems like it would be so much better to accept reality and make changes earlier on your own schedule and with more choices, to get to a more supportable living situation before the point when one is actually entirely unable to take care of oneself.

My sisters and I ran into this with our parents. They were hell-bent on remaining in their own home and doing their own thing, which was understandable and worked....until it no longer didn't. Even then they would not hear of making any changes such as in home care even after my mother's last hospital release, in spite of strong recommendations from Mom's PTs/OTs that my folks do so. My mother declined pretty quickly over the course of 3 months and was mostly in the hospital during that time. She wanted to go home and most of all, my Dad, who was her primary caregiver (on paper only, in reality his daughters did the caregiving) wanted her home. She was released to home three times only to go back to the hospital within a couple of days. The final time she was at home, there was a crisis on my Dad's part and a fall on her part, so back to the hospital she went. After that, her doctor would not release her to home again and she had to go to a skilled nursing facility. Mom was extremely angry over being in the facility even though it was explained there was no choice anymore. She died two weeks later.

[rosarugosa]

I'm sorry Saguaro. These are such difficult situations to navigate.
I was talking with my MIL the other night, and she said she wants to live alone again and thinks she would be fine alone (in her vast story old house, although she cannot bathe independently, clean house, get laundry to/from the basement, etc). I mentioned that it might be good to put a small bath on the first floor, repurposing her front hall closet. She smiled at me and said, "oh no, I would never give up my hall closet!" This from a woman who has only been out of the house once since last August for an MD appointment. She needs the hall closet in her current circumstances just as much as she needs a unicycle. I guess we do get set in our ways.