Damn, well I can't relax here I think. I had meetings today and then my supervisor wanted to talk to me. His supervisor was there as well. Guess what! A write up for not sending an email to an employee about her performance. I had the deadline of this Monday, you know the horrible day, and I sent it Tuesday because I was so upset about my supervisor saying programs were cancelled. I felt I could not be professional in my tone while I was so stressed about my programs. But you know he said Monday and if it is Tuesday they have every right to do a write up. For the first time ever I am writing a response, it says that I should not be late except for extenuating circumstances and I think casually saying he is gong to cancel my programs is a highly stressful experience that is extenuating. I am not sure what else I want to write in the letter however.

Then they talked to me about a nice list of things, half of it was wrong. One was about time sheets for December camp days not being signed by staff. Well I asked the payroll person ahead of time about that since I would need to move my printer to the camp site I was at for 2 days and then bring it back. She said it wasn't necessary. I went over every time sheet with each staff so they saw the hours I was submitting. That was actually thinking AHEAD, not making a mistake. In fact everything camp related I have been well ahead of the game and teaching other people what to do.

Another was in doing a program with a brand new provider, which again I have never done before. They had that 'in trouble' tone with me over this. Apparently it is not a good idea to advertise and register for a class until the provider has finished all the paperwork because sometimes there are issues. Well that is something I wish someone (my supervisor) had told me when I first started to hire this company, I had no idea. So that is a failure in his training and support not in my work.

Yes I make mistakes, and in the last 2 weeks we have put out advertising for 26 after school clubs, responded to over 110 responses in the google form with personal emails, hired and started to train a new staff, and ran a 4 day camp short staffed every day. Not one word about those things, but a very detailed list of anything that I even possibly got wrong.

I talked to one of my former supervisors privately today, we had a meeting planned about some training we are dong together and she saw how upset I was. She is willing to be a reference for me, and she was very wise. It just seems like the change in the department to one that focuses on detailed accountability is no longer a good fit. It can sound like a bunch of BS, I mean I should just get everything right and on time, I just started out working for a department that emphasized caring, students, families and each other. It is just time to go no matter what, and I am angry, and all my insecurities are coming up, and that is hard to apply for jobs when you feel that way. She supported that it may be time, to not be scared, and shared positive stories. Still I am going to be busting my rear to just do the basics of my job and barely get into the job application work. I saw they laid off over 40 people in our district yesterday, I was hoping to just appreciate my job and not worry so much.